"Openly Broken" My Story Part 1

Openly Broken

I am a black woman.

I am strong.

Regal.

Always confident.

It took me almost thirty minutes to find the place.  I almost gave up a dozen or so times. The voice in my mind kept telling me to just turn around.  This was a waste of time. But I kept moving forward. When I arrived I sat in the parking lot and cried.  It was such a beautiful day. I could be doing almost anything else but this. I could be almost anywhere else but here.  But that was the problem. Lately I couldn’t do anything. The effort it took to pull the covers off of me in the morning was exhausting.  When the sun peaked through my curtains in the morning I wanted the day to be over. But I remember the day when a new day meant a new beginning.  But things had changed. No, I needed this. I needed to be here.  I had tried everything else, hadn’t I?

I am a black woman.

I am strong.

I have soft hard-working hands that can do almost anything.

I have a sharp mind.

I was over an hour early.  I don’t know why but I felt like I needed time to prepare myself.  I needed to prepare to finally be honest.  I had to prepare myself not to smile and appear to be happy.  I realized that I’d had my whole life to practice how to smile when I wanted to cry, laugh when I wanted to scream, and just cover up my true feelings.  I realized that the face I showed the world and even myself was a mask.  I cried harder.  Heaving sobs escaped my mouth and my body shook.  

I am a black women.

I am strong.

I am strong with or without.

I look my strongest when I am alone.

A grey car pulled in and a casual dressed woman got out of the car.  She walked casually and confidently to an office door labeled one with something hanging from a hook that couldn’t quite see from where I was parked.  I was instantly jealous.  She probably didn’t have a care in the world.  She woke every morning to her perfect house, husband and kids and drove leisurely to her perfect job.  Her biggest concern was probably traffic and if the weather would ruin little Timmy’s softball game on Saturday.  What could she do for me?

I am a black woman.

I am strong.

But I am alone.

I waited for a few minutes after she had went in to finally wipe the remaining tears off of my face.  I checked my hair and make-up in the mirror. I sprayed on few pumps of my perfume, slipped out of my flats into my heels and got out of the car.  The walk to her office from where I was parked seemed so long. My feet felt very heavy and every step took so much effort. I had to think about every step.  I ignored the shouts in my head to retreat. By the time I reached to door I had sweated through my favorite suit blouse combo. I knocked because I didn’t know rather I could just enter.  I didn’t hear anything but I waited. A few moments later the door opened and I was greeted with the warmest smile and sincerest eyes.

When she walked me into her office I followed her in to a smaller office where she allowed me to choose where I would be most comfortable to sit.  She sat directly across from me.  I realized that the whole entire room was set up that way.  No matter where I sat she would always be directly in front of me.

I was glad the place had a homey feel.  There were pictures on the wall that represented something from just about every religion or culture.  I guess she wanted whoever came here to feel comfortable and represented. The array of religious items made me more uncomfortable because it told me nothing about her.

I am a black woman.

I am strong.

Always knowing what to say.

I have an understanding ear.

I was glad she was a she.  I was glad she was white. I don’t think I could have sat before a black woman preparing myself to tell her how weak I am.  How I’m not strong enough these days to keep it together. A white woman would be more understanding to this. I thought. A moment or two after I had sat a rush of emotion engulfed me.  How did I get here? Why am I here? I don’t belong here. My palms began to sweat.  I had to take several deep breaths.

We sat staring at each other for a moment or two too long for my taste.  She smiling. Me fighting the urge not to smile back as to not appear to be okay and the urge to burst into tears all at the same time.  It was like going to the doctor’s office after feeling sick for days only to get there and feel better and have to sort of pretend to be sicker than you actually feel at the moment.  Or taking your car to the mechanic only for your car to suddenly stop making the noise it had been making for over a month. It drives you kind of crazy.

All of a sudden I felt ridiculous.  I felt better. Like talking about me was a waste of time.  Maybe it was just a fluke. Maybe I just needed to pray harder, fast longer, or read more of my Bible.  This was just a test. I should make more of an effort to be in church on time.  Stay for all three services instead of two.  Make it to early Morning Prayer. Maybe I was listening to too much non-gospel music.

“So, how are you feeling today,” she calmly asked slowly enunciating and emphasizing each word.

My eyes immediately filled with tears.  I hate it when people ask me questions like that.  It made me realize that even on my happiest day there is always something wrong.  Some unspoken, unrealized sadness that sits in the corner of my mind that I have chosen (for that day) to not give my full attention too.  

This at least allows me a temporary relief or was it that finally someone had asked me, the strong, independent, I can do it all by myself I don’t need anyone’s help, as long as I got King Jesus, am I okay and how am I feeling.

 I figured that people don’t usually ask that question unless they had a motive or angle or just nosy. My daddy (God rest his soul) always told me, “no one is going to give you anything for free, everything comes with a price.” Rarely had I found this not to be true.  But this was one of those rare moments. Now all I had to do was find the strength to finally be honest. This simple question, I realized had been answered falsely for so long that it was very confusing.

“Well actually all of a sudden I feel okay,” I said jokingly.  We both smiled. “But, uh lately,” I swallowed hard. “I haven’t quite felt myself.” My first of many tears began to fall uncontrollably.  Here I was with so much to say but nothing to say all at the same time. “I’ve been sad lately,” was all I could muster.  

I am a black woman.

I am strong.

I have large warm open outstretched arms ready to hold you.

I have large breasts soft as pillows ready for you to lie your heavy head upon.

A picture in my mind formed of me in my bed still in my pajamas in the middle of the day.  That picture turned into a movie. A movie I replayed over and over again. A movie of me in bed day after day, not wanting and not having the strength to even bathe.  I went days without getting out of bed for anything unless I had to.

My kids would knock on the door come in and climb into bed with me.  They would lie there heads on my chest and ask me what’s wrong. I would whisper a horsed Mommy doesn’t feel well.  It was true. I didn’t know what was wrong. I just knew I didn’t feel good. I didn’t feel like myself. Thoughts exhausted me.  Like the thought of getting up and going to the restroom, or the thought of eating. All of those simple things took so much effort and energy that I just didn’t have.  

“I feel tired all the time.  I don’t want to get out of bed.  I guess I just feel alone,” I hadn’t realized that my voice had trailed off until she cleared her throat to speak again. “Tell me about what’s going on in your life right now,” she said.

I am a black woman.

I am strong.

I have big beautiful lips that spread into a smile as I pour my wisdom and soft kind words into your life.

I smirked because there was a time when I loved to tell people about my life.  I was, in my opinion, always doing or planning to do something exciting. For the past 4 years I had been trying very hard to receive my bachelor’s degree.  I worked very hard. I had a lot to prove to a lot of people including myself. I needed to show them that I was not a failure and that I could finish something I started.  But here I was one semester from finishing and I had run out of financial aid and hope. At this point I was very exhausted of school and really did want to quit but then that would prove everyone right.  I was a failure.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Mental Note: The Company You Keep & the Place Where You Sleep

Now more than ever I realize how the company you keep plays a significant role in your mental health.  First of all, if you have a mental health issue I would encourage you to seek help from a "trusted" therapist or spiritual counselor. 

Secondly, I would take inventory of the people that's in your life.  Are they negative?  This may take some time and observation to find out.  How does this person respond to life on a daily basis? 

Everybody has moments of frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, but this shouldn't be a every day or every week occurrence.  Being in the presence of or listening to or talking to negative people is very toxic.  And if you're "ill" you cannot be in a toxic environment and expect healing. 

We understand this in the physical world, which is why hospitals are so clean and often cold.  They've created an environment for healing and getting well.  You cannot get well physically in a toxic, and unclean environment.  In a hospital there are a lot of restricted areas.  Every body can't just step into any room or location. 


There are certain areas where there are restrictions and only people that are authorized are aloud in these areas.  Do you know why?  Because they know how to behave around a sick person.  They know the right clothes to wear to protect themselves and the sick person.  They know how to stay clean.  They understand the messiness of the sick. 

I often compare our mental state to our physical state because there are so many similarities.  When you are sick, you can't have other sick people around you because how are you going to get better.  You can't get well in an unstable environment. 

A hospital is a controlled environment.  You have to be in a controlled environment when you're trying to heal mentally.  You cannot be in a place where someone'e moods will change at the drop of the hat.  It's too much of a toxic situation for healing to take place. 

Some of us have gone through various things in our life that have caused us to become vulnerable to certain diseases--(dis-ease)-- cancers (toxins that spread) and dysfunctional behaviors.  In order to get better or to get healing you must change your environment. 

Nothing will get better in a messed up environment.  I sometimes think about trying to get clean in a swamp.  It really doesn't matter how much soap I use in the swamp, I will never get clean. 

NOTE: Remember Who You Are!

I recently re-watched the movie Black Panther and I noticed something that I hadn't before.  In one of my favorite scenes where T'Challa fights M'Baku, it looks like T'Challa might lose the fight, but he says his full name and finds strength that appears to come out of nowhere.  He defeats his foe.


Why did he say his name?  I believe it was to remind him of who he is.  So what's in a name?  I've had moments like this before where I've said "hey, I'm Candace, I don't have to deal with this or live like this anymore. 

What do you think about when you say your name?  What comes to your mind?  When you're in a battle you don't have the time to try to figure it out.  It is during the time of peace and quiet that you have the time to decide who you will be. 

Sometimes I've thought about my name and I didn't like it.  And that's because I didn't like me.  I didn't like who I had become.  But I had to remember who God told me and showed me who I was.  This gave me the faith to know that is was possible to change.  And once I knew that I could change I sought out the wisdom and knowledge so that I could know the steps to change.

So, now when I face battles that seem like I should lose, I remind myself of who I am, where I've been and what I've learned, and somehow, someway I find the strength to keep fighting until I win!

Remember who you are!!!

"These Are My Confessions" (transparent moment)

Walking has become a big part of my daily routine. It gets me out in the fresh air, it helps me stay healthy and it gives me the opportunity to gather my thoughts. Some of my best ideas have come from having alone time and being able to clear my mind. Well, I decided to turn the camera on and just start talking and really expressing my true and honest thoughts. Be prepared...there are more to come!!

Affirmations and Honesty part 2

Untitled Poem

Untitled Poem by guest poet Chiquita Hyche

I’m broken n i don’t know how to heal myself.

I cry to myself every night.

Like i really want the pain to go away but i know I’m hurting for a reason .

When will it stop tho.

I have learned so much from this pain but y is it still hurting so much .

The older i get the deeper the wound gets.

What am i doing wrong.

I just want it to go away.

Rejection has become apart of me n the feeling is indescribable.

I feel like I’m not wanted.

My daddy put a spell on me.

Every nigga i meet reminds me of him.

They want me then they leave me.

Like i don’t know how much of this i wanna take.

I’m looking for love in all the wrong places but i don’t know how the right places look.

I’m using so many outlets to numb the pain but it just won’t go away.

I just want it to go away.

Even if it doesn’t go away give me something that’s worth going through the pain.

Right now i just don’t know.

But its Gods plan right??

Chiquita Hyche is a good friend, poet, and nail tech.

Untitled poem by Chiquita Hyche

You say it's selfish of me to take my own life
Well I think it's selfish of you to want me in pain
I don't think you really understand how bad I just want the pain to go away
I'm tired of feeling like this
Every time I close my eyes
I relive every moment that put me in pain in the first place
My mind be playing these games with me
It's telling me to leave
It's telling me to stay
But if I stay the pain won't go away
I often question myself--What's the purpose?
Why am I here?
Am I here to endure more pain?
I keep battling with these demons that I just want to get away from
I pray
I cry
I pray
I cry
The drinking only makes me forget my pain momentarily
I really don't know if things are getting better
or am I just use to it
I just want it to go away
Why me???
I mean it is...
but hey who else is living my life?
Me...
but these are just my thoughts from a broken soul

Chiquita Hyche is a poet, nail tech, and a long time friend. Follow her on Instagram @naildbyjuicy

"I NEED TO VENT!"

The other day I was an emotional wreck.  I was so frustrated by a conversation that I had with someone very close to me.  I hung up the phone in a completely different mood than when I first answered it.  Don't you just hate it when that happens?  Don't you just hate it when you finally wake up on the "right" side of the bed and you're feeling good and actually getting something done only to have it ruined by a phone call.

I'll be honest, some days the phone rings and I look at my caller ID and continue to let it ring.  I only do it when I know the person calling is calling with a bunch of negative energy--ready to unleash it on me.  I have to prepare "mentally" and "emotionally" for those types of phone calls.  I pray and put on the whole entire "armor of God."

Read: Love is Not Proud
Watch: Daddy Issues Part 2

But this particular day I got tricked.  I was feeling so good, without thinking I answered and before I knew it I was sucked into a conversation I hadn't planned or prepared for.  I started the conversation comfortably in my chair but by the end of it I was on my feet pacing the room, adrenaline rushing and heart racing.  My voice was scratchy and horsed from being raised.

I hung up the phone and plopped back down in my chair exhausted and feeling like I had literally been in a physical fight.  I had so much energy and anger and honestly I wasn't finished saying everything I wanted to say so I picked up the phone to dial a friend that I knew would listen and be understanding.

I almost couldn't wait to get my good friend on the phone.  We all have that one friend that is willing and ready to listen to us pour out the latest gossip, frustration, anger or tears.  I'm one of those friends.  I will grab me a glass of wine, a snack and settle in like it's a movie!

As I was scrolling to find their number, mind racing with all of the things I planned to say I abruptly put my phone down.  I didn't really want to do this because I knew where it would lead me.  You see this was my cycle--my routine--I get upset I call someone to vent.  I talk for hours saying all of the things I really wanted to say and planned on saying to the actual person but honestly it never got done--and I was tired of it.

READ: FAKE LOVE
WATCH: CAN HAVING A MAN/BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP HELP MY DEPRESSION?

Stop venting and not correcting.  Venting is a temporary fix.  Sometimes venting causes more

problems then they solve.  There's nothing wrong with venting to a close friend or confidant but we have to be very careful that we don't use it as a crutch to avoid dealing with the actual situation.

A venting moment is suppose to be just that--a moment!  It's suppose to be an opportunity to give you a chance to calm down.  Let out all of your emotional stuff--anger, sadness, tears--and give you the chance to talk it out and find a way to express your feelings to the actual person you have a problem with correctly.

Venting is not meant to be an excuse to talk about somebody behind their back but never address the actual issue with the actual person you've offended or are offended by!  We form cliques, friendships, and unhealthy bonds and alliances with people out of frustrated moments.

Social psychologist Brad J. Bushman, who teaches at Ohio State University and has researched aggression and coping said that "Research clearly shows that venting increases rather than decreases stress... People say that venting feels good, but the good feeling doesn't last, and it only reinforces aggressive impulses."

So instead of calling someone to vent I decided to take a brisk walk.  I used this time to think about the entire conversation, but instead of just focusing on my side and my thoughts and my feelings I made myself be objective and actually try to understand the other person's point of view.  Let me just say this--it was not easy!

In the end I recognized where the other person did have some valid points.  I waited another day just to be sure that I was completely calmed down and I called the person back.  I apologized for raising my voice and not really listening and then I brought up the points they made that really did make sense but I was too upset to listen to.  I also brought up the points they made that didn't make sense to me or that I was totally against and I finally got the chance to explain them and why.  This made a big difference!  I felt heard and so did the other person.

READ: "BLAME"
WATCH: "STOP TRYING TO PLEASE PEOPLE"

In the end, none of us was 100% right but our relationship is better because we talked it out and came to a compromise and now we have a better way of communicating.  When I think about all of the relationships that have been ruined by the lack of communications I get a sick feeling in my stomach.  It's happened too many times in my life and I'm really tired of it.

But I'm learning that difference of opinions doesn't have to be the reason for an argument, tension, and frustration if its addressed and worked through.  I know that we all have moments where we are so frustrated and filled with emotions that we just gotta vent--and that's okay.  It only becomes a problem when we use these moments to talk about someone behind their back without ever addressing the actual issue.

The next time you find yourself in a moment of frustration or whatever and you feel like you need to vent try this first:

1. Go for a brisk walk
2. Write about the situation in a journal
3. Pray or meditate

REFLECTION TIME: Now, once you've calmed down re-play the situation.  DON'T do this if you're still angry.  Do this only after you've calmed down.  Actually think about the situation and think about what the other person said.  Be honest with yourself and then really examine how you feel.

ADDRESS THE ISSUE: If the relationship is worth the time and effort call them back or agree to meet in person (in a public place if needed) and invite a mutual friend, someone who will stay objective and wants the best for both of you.  Addressing the issue is the most important thing to do.  Unresolved issues will often leave residue.  Stress, anxiety and even panic attacks are a result of unresolved issues--they haunt you and eat up your time and mental space.  Addressing the issue will lesson if not alleviate those symptoms.

I know that venting may seem like the most natural thing to do but it just may not be the best thing to do in every case.  Also be careful who you vent to.  Make sure that person is going to advise you to do the right thing and not stir up more trouble.

BLACK WOMEN--HOW WE CONTRIBUTE TO THE CYCLE OF ABUSE

I know you probably read the title to this and rolled your eyes.  I know you're probably like--here we go again.  Another person ready to dog out the black woman!  Well, thanks for clicking anyway.  And if you continue reading you will see that although some of my words may sting a little bit but it is the sting of truth.

So, a little while ago I wrote about Intimate Partner Abuse.  As black people this is so prevalent in our relationships we don't even recognize it.  And no I'm not just talking about physical abuse, although this is a big deal.  I'm talking about verbal abuse, mental and emotional abuse and financial abuse.  Now, there may be a small population of women thinking to themselves, "I've never been abused" and you may be right but look around.  What about your friends, family members, co-workers, church members, and neighbors--I promise you won't have to look hard to find someone that has dealt with abuse on some level.

As I explained in my last post, "Why Don't You Just Leave Him?--Domestic Violence in the Black Community" When I was younger I used to watch those Lifetime movies all the time where the husband beat his wife, and I always asked myself "why don't she just leave him?".  As I got older and I begin to see some of my friends and peers be involved in abusive relationships I begin to ask the same question.  I really didn't understand.  It wasn't until I found myself involved with someone who I thought was PERFECT that I slowly started to understand the complicated dynamics of abusive relationships.

With Black women it is slightly different.  We see a lot more violence and abuse than other groups of women.  In fact, "statistics show that Black women are two and half more likely to be murdered by men than their white counterparts.  Black women also experience significantly higher rates of psychological abuse--including humiliation, insults, name-calling, and coercive control--than do women overall." It is because of this that in some cases we are more accepting of violence.

Being in an abusive relationship changes you.  I never realized how much it could change you until it was to late.  First of all let me say this: If you've been in an abusive relationship I suggest that you take the time to see a therapist.  A lot of times we as Black people go through major life changing traumatic events and never take the time to talk to anyone about it.  We end one abusive relationship only to enter another relationship without taking the time to check up on our mental health.

If you seek out help first before entering another relationship you can express things such as, how being in an abusive relationship changes your life.  It does--and we have to acknowledge that.  We cannot change what we don't take the time to acknowledge.

When I think about an abused person I'm reminded of how an abused dog behaves.  A dog that has been starved of affection, food, and beaten and yelled at, and berated-- is a changed dog.  Even if it gets a new owner it still doesn't change the fact that it was once abused.  A rescued dog is either timid or aggressive.

This is how we as women behave sometimes in new relationships if we were once abused and now

find ourselves with new partners, friends or boyfriends.  We're jumpy so every time the new flame makes a move that reminds us of the abusive partner we will either cower or become defensive.

Sometimes we can turn into the abusers.  Abuse comes in many forms--physical, emotional, financial and sexual.  Although women can most definitely fall into every last one of these categories I would like to especially talk about emotional abuse.

"Emotional abuse is an attempt to control, in just the same way that physical abuse is an attempt to control another person.  The only difference is that the emotional abuser does not use physical, hitting, kicking, pinching, grabbing, pushing, or other physical forms of harm.  Rather the perpetrator of emotional abuse uses emotion as his/her weapon of choice."

Most of the time, as women, we are not aware of how we can be emotionally abusive.  Sometimes our feelings of insecurity translates as cheating and then we may falsely accuse men of cheating, blame them for our own personal unhappiness, constantly check voice and text messages.  "The accusations, the blame, and the constant checking up are forms of emotional abuse."

It took me awhile to see and understand the ways in which we as women can play a role in the cycle of abuse.  I had to look very closely at my past actions after I left my abusive partner.  Things that I noticed was a lot of yelling (which is not technically abuse because everyone yells in the heat of an argument), "but screaming at someone hysterically in an emotional verbal assault is considered to be emotional abuse."

The danger in continuing in this destructive cycle is that it is never-ending.  Emotional abusers continue to berate, verbally bash, and criticize everyone they become romantically involved with.  But it doesn't just stop there--emotional abusers affect the lives of everyone around them--their children, friends, family members, co-workers...etc.

I hear Black women being described as loud, aggressive, over-bearing, not really good listeners and the list goes on and on, but when you think about all of the things we have to endure.  We are constantly criticized for everything.  We are criticized for things other races are praised for--it's unfair but it's facts!  I can honestly say that this may be where a lot of frustration comes from with Black women.

The problem with this is sometimes when you have a lot of anger or frustration stored up it comes up and out at the wrong time and the wrong place.  It's like the wounded and abused dog example--the dog may end up getting a better and loving owner who may get attacked just for helping.  This happens a lot of times when we leave one abusive relationship and then get into another one.  That new person has every intention of treating us better but because we've been hurt, mistreated and yes abused we may come off as abusive ourselves. 

The moral of the story is this: we each have to evaluate ourselves and ask ourselves why "we" ended up in abusive relationships, and why did we stay? 

Staying Connected when Depressed is EVERYTHING!!!

Stay Connected!

Stay Connected!  I know, it's so easy to say but when you're depressed it can be the hardest thing to accomplish.  I know this all to well now, but there was a time when I didn't know what was wrong with me.  Why were there times when I could easily be the life of the party and a social butterfly but then other times I was withdrawn, anti-social and someone that couldn't even get out of bed?

According to the American Psychiatric Association, depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.  Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed.  It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person's ability to function at work and at home.


When you are facing depression the most natural thing to do is stay to yourself.  It is also the most dangerous thing that you can do.  Some signs of depression include:

• Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
• Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
• Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
• Loss of energy or increased fatigue
• Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., hand-wringing or pacing) or slowed movements and speech (actions observable by others)
• Feeling worthless or guilty
• Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
• Thoughts of death or suicide

Being in a depression is like being in a heavy fog.  You can't see or think clearly.  There have been times where I missed important appointments and deadlines.  It's important that you have someone in your life that you can turn to during these times.  This is not the job for everyone.  I know that in these situations we generally turn to family and close friends and if they are willing you can try it out but I definitely suggest that you really give it some thought and consider the following.

1. Does this person understand what Depression is and the signs of it?
    Having someone in your life that understands what depression is and the signs of it keeps you      from having to explain it to them all the time.  And sometimes when you're going through a depressive episode you may not even recognize it so it's good to have someone who is familiar with your "normal" behavior so that they can see when you've changed.

2. Have they experienced Depression before or currently dealing with Depression?
    It's good to have someone in your corner that understands what depression is and that                recognizes the signs, however, it may not be the best decision to have your go-to person        someone who deals with depression.  You may find yourself in need of some help but you're partner may be in need of help themselves.  And you don't really wanna see two people depressed--it's soooo depressing (j/k)!!!!!!

3. Are they judgey (judemental)?
I'm sorry but you have to consider this.  Do you get comments like--maybe you just need to get out and meet someone... or are you sure you're depressed or is it that "time of the month"?  I can go on and on.  If the person your considering to be your go-to person--think again!  During this time you really don't need someone that just "don't get it"  you need someone that will be empathetic but not enable you.

4. Are they willing?
This is an emergency situation.  This is no time for a flaker.  The person has to be willing to listen, to talk at all sorts of inconvenient hours, to show up and be prepared for a fight--because of course you're not going to want to get out of bed, brush your teeth, and bathe willingly!

I've personally found that when I force myself to get up and get out of the house--even if it's to the grocery store I immediately feel better.  It doesn't mean that I don't crawl right back in bed the moment I get home but you really have to pick your battles.  I try not to let a day go by without me at least getting out of the house.

I also will only pick up the phone for certain people.  These people I know that when I talk to them they will pray for me, make me smile or laugh, come drag me out the house or encourage me in some way to start making moves.  These people are important because they help sometimes help the fog clear faster or at least guide you through it.



References:
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression

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Love or Insecurity? by guest blogger Jessica Hugo

"Hi, my name is Simeon" he said, moving over to Ella's table as he pulled out a seat opposite her, in a restaurant. "May I sit with you please"? he asked smiling sheepishly, showing off his slightly yellow and well-arranged dentition. 

She paused for a moment, lifting her face slowly from the floor to his shoes, to his well-tailored trouser and shirt and then she looked up and caught his smile. She was smitten.

Ella was a beautiful young lady who worked as an administrative officer, in a small company opposite the restaurant. She usually went there for lunch when the office assistant was too busy to get her food in time. She had just graduated from the university and was hoping to get into a serious relationship, while equally building her career.

As she gazed at the good looking, well-dressed young man standing tall opposite her, she couldn't hesitate to accept. "Oh..yes please" she said wittingly, urging him on. She was curious to meet this handsome dude who walked boldly to her table, to sit with her.

Few minutes later, she was giggling, they were both laughing out loud as they enjoyed their lunch together. He ordered for the exact meal, she was eating.

Simeon was a new engineer transferred from a branch of his company in Nice, France to the head-office in Paris which was just beside Ella's office in Champs Elyseè's street, Paris. He was relatively new and was yet to make new friends. Spotting a beautiful young lady as he walked into the restaurant eating quietly alone that day, he decided to take his chance. It worked as he was certain Ella would fall for his advances. He watched her laugh hysterically to his every joke and noded with wide smiles.

They hung out more often, shared life experiences and goals, and a month later, became an item.

"I love you Ella", He proclaimed every now and then and would often shower her with lots of expensive gifts and attention. He'd take her on various baecation treats in different cities and never hesitated to call her, his. It was all romantic and ooey-goey. He packed on a lot of PDAs. He seemed calm and caring, She loved him genuinely and enjoyed every moment spent with him. He was a quiet gentleman, who was in love.

Three months down the line, things began to change. Simeon always found fault in Ella. From the way she dressed, to the way she said 'hi', to the way she loves to express herself. It first started as a mild criticism, then to sarcasm and heavy anger explosions. He'd try to belittle her and called her several demeaning names. But Ella was 'gracious' and tried to live to please Simeon by meeting his 'standards'. She wanted peace.

She felt he needed to be shown more love and constant reassurance and that she was always going to be there for him. She began to live by his rules and she felt by doing these, it would please him and make him less angry.

She was wrong!.

She wouldn't communicate with her male colleagues at work because Simeon thought they were all going to date her. She stopped hanging out with her friends except Simeon approved and he would bombard her with questions over the phone afterwards or when ever next they see, on every detail of the outing. She was literally walking on eggshells. He imagined every man out there was there to flirt with or date her. She made excuses for his behaviors because she felt he was in love.

Ella was hardly a social butterfly but Simeon would question her every move. He was jealous and possessive and would demand to know (and give approval) before she goes anywhere. He wasn't only distrustful of Ella but also distrustful of others in general including himself. He was always suspicious of people's intent and thought everyone out there wanted to take advantage of him.

She was in constant battle to please him. He was beginning to shrink and pressure her to live the way he wants. And she was unknowingly encouraging that by changing herself to suit his selfish demands regardless of how it made her feel. No, it's not because he doesn't like the way Ella looks, but because he doesn't want other people to like the way she looks so he'd try to control her by asking her to change her clothes, complain about her wearing makeup, etc. He wanted to make her look the way he thinks she should look.

Amidst these, he was also caring and very affectionate and would often act in a way that suggests Ella was his entire world. He'd often use emotional blackmail and guilt- trip moves to try to control Ella. It was as if he was in constant fear that he may lose her. She got manipulated to think she wasn't good enough, and he blamed her for  everything. EVERYTHING!!! The more she tried to impress him, the more she lost herself and the more depressed she became. He was insatiable and was never going to change. He was an insecure man in love.

Wait!

 You see, there's absolutely no wrong in feeling a bit of occasional jealousy with a partner. But when it becomes a constant that it begins to emotionally drain you, watch it! Men who are insecure are usually abusive.

They may appear all sweet and romantic and caring and all that jazz until it gradually begins to turn to sweet obsession.

            6 SIGNS OF AN INSECURE MAN

1. At first, he dotes you with so much compliments on your looks and appearance. He believes it's exotic. But as time goes by, he would begin to dictate how you dress.

 "You don't need to wear lipsticks"..."you don't need to wear figure-hugging dresses"...Etc. In his mind, he strongly believes you're trying to dress up to attract other men. Even though you love him with all your heart, he constantly doubts your integrity.

Please note: It's not your fault that he feels insecure. He's probably been ever that way long before he met you. A man who loves you will trust you without trying to change you. He'd always want his partner to look best in her appearance not for the sake of other men but to feel happy and confident from the inside.

2. They constantly guilt-trip or try to blackmail you emotionally.

He'd accuse you of having an affair with literally everyone you come across with, including co-workers or business partners, just to coerce you and keep you ' in check'. This is due to their low self esteem. Somehow, somewhere in their minds, they believe they're not fit for you and that you're busy in search of a better partner.

Please note: INSECURE men are vulnerable in their thoughts and play a lot of mind games. Be ready to explain and explain and explain some more for nothing!

3. They're possessive and overly protective. 

They can cut you out from making new friends or even hanging out with your old friends. This is because they get jealous that you can be having fun without them. They always want to be a part of everything you do. They always want to cling to you and would sometimes even make you to cancel on work or other important appointments just to be with them. Whenever you're apart, they believe you're trying to cheat on them.

Please note: Obsessions turn into emotional abuse which is a serious sign of insecurity.(red flag)

4. They usually become stalkers. 

They'd stalk your social media, keep an eye on your cell phone, and sometimes follow you around without your knowledge. They'd badge into your office or home uninvited and unannounced just to 'check' on you.

Please note: There's something creepy about being stalked. It is even a criminal offense in most developed countries.

5. Their moods largely depend on their partners. 

I admit it's okay to be sensitive about the mood of your partner. Atleast to know how s/he feels and try to make them feel better. With an insecure partner, it largely depends on you. If you're happy and loving towards him or her, s/he's happy and in a good mood too. However, if you aren't all lovey-dovey to validate your affection for him or her, s/he becomes sad and depressed and this puts pressure on you to always try to put yourself in a good mood in order to make him or her happy.

Please note: Happiness is an inside job. It shouldn't depend on things or anyone.

6. They don't take criticisms too well. 

No one loves to be criticized I know! But constructive criticism isn't something really bad. If you decide to discuss some traits about him which you don't like, it rarely ends well and he would use it against you. Instead of listening to the concerns you've raised and reflect inwardly, he turns it around on you. He never takes the blame and you're always at fault.

A little space of your own every now and then is required if you find yourself in any such situation. You can also seek professional assistance. Just ask yourself... Is this love or insecurity? You are not responsible for anyone's insecurity. Just know that insecurity can be overcome only when a person recognizes they're insecure and consciously take steps to do something about it.

What are your thoughts? Don't forget to follow me on IG: @jessicahugoinspire and twitter: @jessyaijay.

Jessica Hugo.

Bio: Jessica Hugo is a writer and a published author, she's the founder of http://jessicahugoinspire.com , a blog centered on personal development. 

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