Staying Connected when Depressed is EVERYTHING!!!

Stay Connected!

Stay Connected!  I know, it's so easy to say but when you're depressed it can be the hardest thing to accomplish.  I know this all to well now, but there was a time when I didn't know what was wrong with me.  Why were there times when I could easily be the life of the party and a social butterfly but then other times I was withdrawn, anti-social and someone that couldn't even get out of bed?

According to the American Psychiatric Association, depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.  Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed.  It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person's ability to function at work and at home.


When you are facing depression the most natural thing to do is stay to yourself.  It is also the most dangerous thing that you can do.  Some signs of depression include:

• Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
• Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
• Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
• Loss of energy or increased fatigue
• Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., hand-wringing or pacing) or slowed movements and speech (actions observable by others)
• Feeling worthless or guilty
• Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
• Thoughts of death or suicide

Being in a depression is like being in a heavy fog.  You can't see or think clearly.  There have been times where I missed important appointments and deadlines.  It's important that you have someone in your life that you can turn to during these times.  This is not the job for everyone.  I know that in these situations we generally turn to family and close friends and if they are willing you can try it out but I definitely suggest that you really give it some thought and consider the following.

1. Does this person understand what Depression is and the signs of it?
    Having someone in your life that understands what depression is and the signs of it keeps you      from having to explain it to them all the time.  And sometimes when you're going through a depressive episode you may not even recognize it so it's good to have someone who is familiar with your "normal" behavior so that they can see when you've changed.

2. Have they experienced Depression before or currently dealing with Depression?
    It's good to have someone in your corner that understands what depression is and that                recognizes the signs, however, it may not be the best decision to have your go-to person        someone who deals with depression.  You may find yourself in need of some help but you're partner may be in need of help themselves.  And you don't really wanna see two people depressed--it's soooo depressing (j/k)!!!!!!

3. Are they judgey (judemental)?
I'm sorry but you have to consider this.  Do you get comments like--maybe you just need to get out and meet someone... or are you sure you're depressed or is it that "time of the month"?  I can go on and on.  If the person your considering to be your go-to person--think again!  During this time you really don't need someone that just "don't get it"  you need someone that will be empathetic but not enable you.

4. Are they willing?
This is an emergency situation.  This is no time for a flaker.  The person has to be willing to listen, to talk at all sorts of inconvenient hours, to show up and be prepared for a fight--because of course you're not going to want to get out of bed, brush your teeth, and bathe willingly!

I've personally found that when I force myself to get up and get out of the house--even if it's to the grocery store I immediately feel better.  It doesn't mean that I don't crawl right back in bed the moment I get home but you really have to pick your battles.  I try not to let a day go by without me at least getting out of the house.

I also will only pick up the phone for certain people.  These people I know that when I talk to them they will pray for me, make me smile or laugh, come drag me out the house or encourage me in some way to start making moves.  These people are important because they help sometimes help the fog clear faster or at least guide you through it.



References:
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression

Join me every Thursday on
 Instagram @openly.broken
9pm EST
Live Talk Session

Find Your Happy Place/Mental Injuries

Find Your Happy Place...And Linger!

I've recently realized how much time I've spent in the past focusing on the negative things.  It's either I'm anticipating something bad, or experiencing something bad or reflecting on something bad.  It feels like a never-ending negative cloud is constantly hovering over me threatening me with heavy rain and showers.  

Today, I realized that I do have rare moments of pure happiness and the reasons for my happiness are not at all tied to money, material possessions or other people--they come solely from gratitude.  I've decided that I don't spend entirely enough time in these moments and they are often too far in between.

But today I gave myself permission to really enjoy it.  I wanted to relish in it and for the moment to linger as long as possible.  Of course, I recognize that the weather eventually changes (it was nice and warm and sunny the other day--today it's wet, dark and dreary) but that's life.

I just want to enjoy the sunny days to the fullest and not let the threat of rain eclipse my moment to enjoy the shine!

Mental Injuries

It's so important that we seek help after experiencing trauma of all kinds!  You will be suprised at what can alter your state of mind.  If you've ever been in an abusive relationship--you should seek counseling.  If you've lost a close friend or family member--you should seek counseling.  If you've had to move abruptly for whatever reason--you should talk to someone (with a level head and common sense) or yes, seek counseling.  

As African-Americans we've been in survival mode for so long--only focusing on working and paying bills and making sure food is on the table, and lights are on, and transportation, and the very basics of caring for ourselves.  In the past it was very easy to brush a lot of issues under the rub because we had bigger things to worry about.  

Well, now we have time.  We now have to go back and start addressing some issues that we left unattended.  So many children (girls and boys) have been sexually abused by family, friends of family, boyfriends, step-fathers, pastors, or people that were suppose to be a protector---and these things have never been addressed!

If I break my arm I don't just go on with life.  I go to the doctor and my arm is examined and I'm given an x-ray to determine the location of the break and then someone comes and bandages my arm up so that it can set right and I can have full function of my arm in the future,

The same should be done for the mental injuries that occur in our lives.  When we are hurt or traumatized we must see someone so that we can heal properly and be at 100% functionality in the future,

Mental Health is just as important as Physical Health!

What is Depression? Part II- Responses

Responses from last Thursday's Live Instagram Therapeutic Session

Last Thursday's Live Therapeutic Session was epic.  I invite everyone that reads this post to join me on my Openly Broken Instagram page this and every Thursday for a live therapeutic session.  It was such a blessing to me and based on the responses I know that it was a blessing to everyone that participated as well.  I want to personally thank all of those who shared of their knowledge and their pain.  The topic of Depression, Mental Illness and how it effects the African American woman and the African American community is a much needed conversation today.

I would like to share with you some of the amazing responses and comments I received during the last session.  The topic was "What is Depression" and to narrow it down a little we discussed how it looks in the African American woman.  I'm so grateful and thankful to all of the counselors that joined the conversation to give some knowledgeable answers.  Please visit the supporters page to check out the counselors that joined the session.

"We all need someone to be there for us"

@tanya_kylie

I reached out to a lot of women that joined my page, hoping that they would be willing to share, what I definitely know to be some of the most intimate thoughts and feelings ever.  The response was overwhelming.  These ladies really opened up and became vulnerable for the sake of each other.  It was beautiful. 

"Invest in your health"

Ladonna N. Butler

Counselor

As African American women it is sometimes very difficult to find the time and money or the value in investing in our mental health.  For so long I did not even recognize a need for this type of self-care.  It wasn't until I was virtually unrecognizable to myself that I began to see a therapist.  That moment changed my entire life.  I firmly believe that if you are African American you need counseling (period)!  We go through so much, much more than a lot of other races, especially living in America.  Many of our communities are riddled with violence and drugs.  Not to mention the never ending drama we are exposed to and sometimes involved in.  These things along with life's ups and downs and unexpected turns it can be challenging knowing how to navigate through all of that and maintain healthy relationships with ourselves and others.  

"It's so easy to pass our stress to others without realizing it"

@tanya_kylie

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and they were venting to you and then afterwards you recognize that you have this anxious feeling?  Have you ever noticed that you may have been a little "snappy" with the next person you came in contact with?  I've noticed that a lot lately.  I don't think I knew to look for it at first but one day I realized that after I got through talking to someone about a heated situation I ended up arguing with someone very close to me.  I later wondered if I hadn't had that earlier conversation would I have gotten into an argument later.  I honestly don't know but what I've learned to do is this: pray. Whenever I've been exposed to a negative emotion and I realize that it's affecting me, I pray and ask God for peace.  Especially during this time in my life where I find myself vulnerable and exposed it is so important to stay protected.

I believe African American women have a great deal of unspoken pressure on us that further exacerbates feelings of sadness.  There are great expectations posed on us both internally and externally.  

Essence of Life Counseling

"We often lack self awareness...and insight."

Essence of Life Counseling

"Sometimes we don't allow ourselves to feel all of our emotions. #superwomansyndrone"

Ladonna Butler

"We constantly carry that weight on our shoulders and we are ridiculed when we even think about putting it down."

Shaquania Walker

I almost fell out of my seat when I read this comment from my personal spiritual counselor Shaqaunia Walker.  That weight.  What is that weight that we are always carrying?  Is it the weight of being perfect all the time?  Is it that weight of making sure that everyone else's need is taking care of all the time?  Is it that weight of being "super woman"?  This is a topic we will have to dedicate the full hour to one day very soon.  

"But we need to be aware of our kryptonite...lack of self care, microaggressions, unhealthy relationships, etc.."

LaDonna Butler

"Do a self exam every morning and every night.  Set a time to focus on who you are aside from the roles you have."

Essence of Life Counseling

One of the last things we talked about last Thursday was "self-care".  I suggested journaling.  Writing is a big passion for me.  It comes very easy to me so of course I find myself writing during the worse moments of my life.  It is a great release and I also get to go back an examine my personal thoughts.  Journaling also gives you the opportunity to be very honest.  You can write exactly how you feel without the fear of letting anyone else down or feeling guilty.  In my journal I can truly be myself.  I encourage you to try it.  

"Remember Queens need rest too."

LaDonna Butler

"Telling others and ourselves that we're fine is a defense mechanism...It also displays a lack of trust and constant displays of being let down.  We can't/won't open up to anyone.  Especially me."

One of the guest speakers @princess_empowerment stated that, "we don't protect our emotions."  And I had to agree with her.  For so long I did not protect my emotions nor did I attempt to protect my mental state and because of that I allowed so many unhealthy things into my personal space.  When we allow that, it changes us.  She went on to say that, " we suppress our feelings and trauma and (just) keep going."  It's a cycle of brokenness.  And in this cycle you can't "support yourself, your children or your family."

What is Depression? An Introduction to how Depression directly relates to African American women

Depression is a mental illness that's very prevalent in the African American community.  Do you know what depression is and what it looks like in our community?  It's more than just having a bad day.  It's more than a sad feeling.  It is a serious illness with major side effects.  

According to psychiatry.org Depression is defined as:

Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.  Depression causes feeling of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed.  It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person's ability to function at work and at home.

There are a few words and phrases that I highlighted in the definition of depression taken from the psychiatry.org website. The first word that jumped out at me was "disorder".  To have a disorder is to be in a state of confusion.  One thing that I noticed while dealing with depression is that a lot of times I would not be able to identify how I was feeling.  I would be okay one minute and then the next minute I would be crying.  One minute I would be okay and then the next minute something would happen and then I would be filled with a feeling or rage. And all of this would be happening and I could not explain to you why.  

Sometimes our mental state can be in so much pain until there is a numbness.  

Have you ever been in a bad accident or experienced a trauma so bad that you couldn't feel anything?  That's an example of what's happening to us mentally sometimes.  Sometimes we experience great traumas in our lives and it is so terrible that we are left numb in our emotions.

According to psychiatry.org depression "negatively affects the way you feel, think, and act."  Because our mental states has so much to do with the way we feel, which changes the way we think and therefore changes the way we act, it is imperative that we take it seriously.  Within the African American community there is hardly any talk of getting help mentally.  We often times will stay on top of regular scheduled check-ups for our physical bodies.  We will also maintain an awesome relationship with God and attend church regularly ensuring that our spiritual self is well, but we often neglect to get check-ups for our mental health.  This is needed just as much, if not more, to ensure that we stay healthy physically and spiritually.  If we are not "okay" or healthy in our minds we cannot stay healthy in our bodies and our spiritual lives.  These things are all connected.  

As African Americans we are often facing great challenges.  Challenges that no other race in America has to face.  As African American women we are often expected to place our self-care on the back burner for the sake of other things and other people-- children, family, friends, spouses, significant others, jobs, achieving success, making money, maintaining our outward appearance--this is not healthy nor is it helping us in the long run. 

According to NAMI.org Depression is defined as:

Depressive disorder, frequently referred to simply as depression, is more than just feeling sad or going through a rough patch.  It's a serious mental health condition that requires understanding and medical care.  Left untreated, depression can be devastating for those who have it and their families.

Now, Nami.org (National Alliance on Mental Illness) states that Depression is "more than just feeling sad".  This is the point I would like to raise using their definition:  There is a huge difference between I'm having a bad day, or I'm just sad today and depression!  Depression changes you!  You are so confused in your emotions on a daily basis that your behavior has drastically changed.  You are not yourself!  You begin to do things that you've never done before.  It's very noticeable if we take the time to really look.  Sometimes friends and family will notice and ask you about it but sometimes because you are so numb you won't recognize it.  You have to really take time to investigate your feelings and unscramble your thoughts.  This is not something you want to do alone.

Think about it, when you break a bone, you don't just go to church.  You don't just pray.  You don't just talk to a friend or go to your mommy.  You go to a professional.  You go to a doctor.  

When we have traumatic experiences we have to go get a check up for our mental wellness.

Nami.org goes on to say that " Depression...left untreated, can be devastating for those who have it and their families. The people around us feel the effects of our mental instability. As African Americans it can be very easy to dismiss this (depression and other mental illness) as something not necessary for life, but I beg to differ.  I state to you that your mental health is just as important as your physical health and your spiritual health. 

 Even our physical health requires check ups and we attend church regularly to ensure that we are in right standing with God.  Our mental health requires regularly scheduled check-ups!  It's mandatory for the African-American. We are not healthy mentally!  We are often the victims of violence, and witness it often within our communities and race. Domestic violence is very prominent in many relationships in the Black community.  

Abuse comes in many forms- physical, verbal, sexual, financial-- and it is also an issue in a lot of our homes.  A lot of African Americans are suffering from PTSD. Our children are suffering tremendously mentally.  They as well should receive regularly scheduled check ups.  Especially if their behavior changes dramatically.  We trust our doctors with their physical bodies, and we should also trust psychiatrist, counselors to ensure that we are healthy mentally.

According to NIMH.org Depression is defined as:

Depression (major depressive disorder or clinical depression) is a common but serious mood disorder.  It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working.  

What are mood disorders? 

Mood disorders are a category of illnesses that describe a serious change in mood.  Illness under mood disorders include: major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder (mania-euphoric, hyperactive, over inflated ego, unrealistic optimism), persistent depressive disorder (long lasting low grade depression), cyclothymia (a mild form of bipolar disorder), and SAD (seasonal affective disorder).

Ladies, this is a huge topic for us to discuss.  We are often called "moody."  This is not always due to our menstrual cycle.  Sometimes this can be from a disorder.  And what is a disorder?  A disorder as we've previously discussed, is confusion.  Our moods are confused.  This sometimes causes us to lash out or be extra sad and sensitive.  This is what causes us to cry all the time, or feel tired and uninspired in our lives.  We sometimes go on the "highs" (mania) filled with inspiration and zest and then all of a sudden we experience this sudden drop, its a "low"(euphoric).  During this time we become tired and lazy.  We don't really want to do anything, including the things that we love and normally do.  Some of these things are spending time with family, going out to social events including church.  During these times we often lose jobs, friends, end relationships, switch churches, get behind on bills, drop out of school and just simply give up on commitments made during our mania moments.  And these disorder are very tricky.  Some of theses waves of moods last days, weeks, months and years.  You can go a length of time in a mania stage and then go a different length of time on a low wave.  This is why seeing a therapist or counselor is important.  They can help you find out why you're experiencing the extreme levels of moods.  

Many people may read this article and laugh and say, "it's not that serious" or "I'll just pray" or some may even say, " I have my friends and family as my support system" and to that I say, It is not enough!  It is very serious.  Prayer is great, but it's not enough.  You don't just pray for a broken leg.  You pray and then you go to a doctor for their professional help. The same goes with our mental health.  You are not capable of fixing your own bones when they break.  You rely on a doctor to take x-ray's and interpret the information and then to properly diagnose and treat.  We are going through major life changes and witnessing traumatic events daily and we NEVER get help!   In the African American community there are some of us are walking around on crutches trying to help carry someone else's baggage. As women we are caregivers and its very easy for us to put our emotional needs to the side for our families but we are no help to them when we are unhealthy mentally.  

Some of us have experienced loss in a great way.  Some of us have endured years of mental, emotional and physical abuse.  It is during these times that a counselor or therapist is needed most.  When we are experiencing other major events in our life such as break-ups, fall-outs, financial crisis, any encounter with violence or sexual assault we need to seek help.  Some of our children have been molested for years.  They have no one to talk to that can help them navigate through their emotions, fears, disappointments and everything else that comes with experiencing that kind of pain.   A counselor can help them get through that with as little scarring as possible.  

References:

Mood Disorders. (2015, July 09). Retrieved November 01, 2017, from http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/mood-disorders

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression

“NAMI.”NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness, www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Depression.

"Openly Broken" by Guest Blogger Chiquita Hyche

Openly Broken

written by Chiquita Hyche

This is something that cant be fixed.
I've been beat, battered, and bruised.
Physically, mentally and emotionally.
I'm hurt, I'm torn, I'm a mess.

As I far as life I don’t even know where to start with picking up these broken pieces.
I'm in a place where I cant even feel the pain anymore.
I'm numb to it.

I'm immune to it.
It really ain't no healing for it.
I really thank God above because if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t even be here to feel any of it.
I ask myself often, whats my purpose.
Like really whats my purpose? Outside of family and friends, nobody really loves me..got love for me or wants to love me?
Whats wrong with me?
They just want what was taken from me.

Everybody loves stolen goods.
Its valuable but its stolen so u ain't really gotta work for it.
I mean at this point how could you know your worth.
Its hard forcing a feeling that ain't really there.
I swear I wanna love myself so bad.
But its hard.
How can i?
I'm tired of pretending.
Where do I start.

They say just cry to ease the pain but the tears are just recycled bags of hurt.
I cant get rid of it.
I wake up in night sweats wishing that the dreams I have were nightmares.
Only to wake up to say that it was once as reality.
Even though those realities are no more I still feel them.
I still see them they wont go away.
These scars they wont go away.

I'm asked often am I okay.
Yes is the only answer I have.
I mean I am.
I'm alive right?
What I thought would break me in pieces, held every piece of me I have left together, what I thought would kill me gave me every inspiration to want to live.
After all the hurt after all the pain, after the regrets, after the rejection, after the self hate, after everything that I thought would be a reason to want to leave this earth.
I realized that its okay to live life openly broken..

Chiquita Hyche is a 28-year-old born in Jackson, MS.  She moved to Florida when she was 11 years old.  Since being here she's experienced so much. In those experiences she has learned that writing has helped her get through them.  Chiquita is a nail technician in Jacksonville, Fl.  She is also attending school to become a Pharmacy Technician.  

Let Me Be Clear...Why not include all races!!!!

Let me make this absolutely clear! The purpose for this blog is not to exclude other races that deal with depression.  That is NOT my intent.  I specifically dedicate this blog to African American women dealing with depression simply because there is not enough time and energy put towards this issue on any level.

For the most part, I've grown up not really hearing the word depression unless it was on T.V or spoken about in some abstract way.  For me, depression meant sad.  My interpretation of Depression was "having a bad day."  When someone told me they were depressed I expected them to be able to tell me why.  And the "why" was usually, a loved one died, a bad break-up, or something unexpected happened in their life which caused them to be sad for a period of time.

These types of depression that I understood usually lasted up to six months.  I don't think I ever encountered anyone that verbally expressed to me feeling of depression without a reason, and the feeling never lasted greater than six months.

In different scenarios in my life where I've expressed feelings of sadness I was met with a look of suprise.  If there was any concern it was a curious concern.  They needed to know the cause of the feeling so they can offer words or services that would make my feelings change.  Whenever I couldn't express why I woke up sad for no reason I was met with a little confusion.

There always had to be a reason.  It was always fixable.  And when the person saw that there was no easy or simple solution, I was told to pray.  "Rebuke that feeling and send it back to the pit of hell from whence it come."  Honestly, I still very much believe in this power to cast down negative feelings and emotions, but there must be an action performed.  Depression will never just go away on its own.

My relationship with God is without a doubt one of my strongest methods of dealing with depression. But what He has revealed to me is that simply praying for the bad feeling to go away "at that particular moment" is not enough.  I had to dig a little deeper.  I'm still digging.

Even now as I address this need, (because it is a need for African American women to recognize certain things going on in their minds, bodies and spirit) I feel like new ground is breaking.

I AM...A Strong Black Woman!

I am a strong black woman.
I don't want to be.
Don't believe the hype.
I need to be.
I have to be in order to survive in this world.
If I'm not I will be gobbled up and then  regurgitated, my remains a visual aid used as an example to others that will come after me.


I am a strong black woman.
I don't choose to be.
I don't want to be.
I have to be,

I don't claim the title with pride.
I don't shout it with arrogance.
I don't say it so you'll tremble with fear.
It's not a strike against the black man's manhood.

I wasn't strong until I had to be.
This is about survival.

They don't love me.
They don't love this strong black woman,
The men don't.
The sons don't.
The daughters don't.
The others won't.

Most days I don't.
I can't love pain. And my pain has produced strength.

Untitled Poem by Candace Smith

We us…all of us women.

 We make up one woman, with one voice.

 We are one. 

One shape.

  One color.

 Black. 

Our individual shades and curves make up one body. 

Just as the body has many curves and grooves with fades of shades of a pallet of brown.

We are different.

 We each serve a purpose.

 But we are one.

We have one plight. 

One cry.

 One voice. 

Are we heard. 

We are confused because we each say something different.

No one has to kill us because we kill ourselves.

 Our body (because we are one body) fight each other. 

The cells that were created to protect turn on each other and attack. 

We, if united would be very strong. 

But we are not.

Anger's Wrath

I woke up angry today!

But it wasn't an anger from today.

I planned my anger for today...yesterday.

I was so ready to be angry today that I prepared for it yesterday.

I thought about how I would feel tomorrow and I meditated on those feelings all night.

I simmered in my angry juices.

When I woke up this morning I forgot to notice all of the things I had to be thankful for because of that one thing that made me angry yesterday.

Unfortunately, the anger didn't come alone.

With it came sadness, a heaviness that weighted me down longer than I wanted, a gray cloud that hung over my head and fogged my vision preventing me from seeing, thinking and feeling clearly.

I wrote these words the other day when I realized that I'd wasted an entire day being angry about something.  It doesn't matter what it was or who caused it.  I'm only responsible for my thoughts and my actions.  

Anger is a natural emotion.  When something happens to me that I don't like I have the option of several emotions, one of them being: anger. This emotion however should not be a lasting one.  It is not an emotion worth holding on to for very long.  Happiness is an emotion worth investing in. Happiness should be planned out, purposeful, meditated on and fought for.  Not anger.  

I'm starting to realize that every emotion travels with a few companions.  Anger hangs out with sadness and a heaviness.  It's hard to be angry for an extended period of times because no one wants to be angry.  It is very easy to become angry but it takes great effort to remain in that state of mind.  

In order to do so you would have to constantly remind yourself over and over why you are angry. You have to relive the instance that brought about that emotion.  

I did this.  I purposefully re-played an image, a conversation and certain action in my mind over and over again and when I realized that I wasn't doing this I put energy and effort into making sure that every available moment I had be used visualizing this.

When I reflected back on my actions I was astonished by my own behavior.  I did not realized that  I was capable of doing this.  I truly feel that this is another piece of the puzzle.  This is just one of the contributing factors to my depression.  My own ability to allow myself to focus on a negative occurrence in my life for an extended period of time.  

Another thing I noticed was that even when something happened that made me feel a little better, such as seeing a funny meme on Facebook or watching commercial on T.V, or hearing a song that lightened my mood, I would not allow it to manifest itself.  I didn't want it to make me laugh or alter my angry mood.

I was determined to be angry.  

The one thing that this has taught me is that if I can be determined to be angry.  I can be determined to be happy.

I waited a few days before initially posting about this just so that I could do a little experiment.  I wanted to see if it happened again, (me getting angry) just to see if I could do things a little different.

Now when I say angry I don't just simply mean something like being cut off in traffic or getting your order wrong at a restaurant or something like that.  I mean when someone does something so infuriating that you think you will never forgive them, that's the type of anger I'm talking about.

I didn't know how long I would have to wait I just knew I would at least test this on a situation that upset me or made me mad.  But I did run into a situation that I was very angry and little more so hurt. 

Initially, I didn't even think about this.  I was so angry, of course the only thing I could think about was the offense.  But as time went on I realized that I was doing the same thing.  I kept re-living the situation causing me to keep getting more angry and for an extended period of time.

After days went by I was exhausted and ready to give up.  I was frustrated because of this on-going hopeless feeling I had but I knew I wasn't hopeless and neither was my situation.  It was in that moment that I decided to stop being angry and get back to living.  So I did.

I've decided that I will do my best to try and put this into practice each and every time because my happiness is so precious and it is worth the fight.  It is worth remembering the good things over the bad always.  I want to spend as much time being happy...NO MATTER WHAT!

Stay Positive!

"Finally brethern, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy meditate on these things."

-Philippians 4:8

I realize that some of my reader's may not be spiritual and even if you are you might not share in my faith but during my morning devotion time I ran across a familiar passage of scripture in the Bible which basically says, stay positive.  Focus on the good things in life.  I don't care how small it is, magnify it and hold on to it for dear life.

Honestly, sometimes this is all I have to get me through the day.  When I walk outside and feel the sun shining bright on my face I embrace it and take time to realize that I didn't have to be alive to have this moment.  When I'm scrolling through Facebook and run across a funny video or meme I laugh my best and loudest laugh.  I'll even think about it throughout the day just to keep laughing. And when it's no longer funny to me I smile at the fact that I just had a great laugh because just last year I couldn't find one reason to smile, laugh or be happy.

And even though I am no longer that Candace I realize that it doesn't take much to get back there so if I have just a glimmer of hope or something good to focus on I hold on to it for dear life.  Now, I don't want to be unrealistic and act like bad things and bad feelings don't surface because they do all the time everyday but I'm learning to spend less time meditating on those things and more time embracing the good ones.

The Fight Is Never Over--Video Blog Post!

The fight is never over!

Everyday the sun rises and my eyes flicker open there is a tiny feeling of dread that rushes over me. It's a new day.  This used to make me smile.  The thought of a new day brought hope.  For a brief moment every day the thought of a new day makes my stomach spin.  Why?  I honestly don't know and I wont pretend I do.  I wish I could go back to being hopeful and happy for no reason at all, but I'm realizing everyday that I don't get that opportunity to just go back.  I have to evolve.  I have to find a new happy and a new normal.  I have to accept things that have happened and the things that are happening now and find peace in that.

Appearances can sometimes be our worst enemy.  I've had so much practice pretending to be happy...you know smiling, laughing, responding to the words that come out of other people's mouths, but the moment I'm alone I feel exhausted and it's only then that I realize it was all a charade. It takes great effort to break a habit. You first of all have to realize that you have a bad habit.  Once you realize that you have a habit you then have to find the will to "want" to break that habit.  Just because you know something is bad for you doesn't mean that you immediately want to stop doing it. Sometimes you've done something for so long that you don't even realize when you're practicing a bad habit.

I was comfortable with hiding my hurt.  I didn't realize I did this until I was severly depressed.  Now that I know I do this I don't just magically do what's right and what's best. Everyday is a fight.  It's a fight to express when I'm really hurting.  It's a fight to not smile when I'm hurting.  It's a fight admit to someone that they've hurt my feelings or let me down in some way.  I still feel the need to let everyone think that I am stronger than what I truly am.

Tampa Florida "My Journey to Exodus" and "Openly Broken" Book Review! September 5th 2015

On Saturday September 5th 2015 I held my first book reading and review.  It's always gut-wrenching doing things for the first time.  It took a lot of time and planning and of course there were a few bumps in the road but such is life.  I enjoyed every second of it.

We started at exactly 5pm with a welcome by yours truly.  After that the Creator of The Exodus Project and "My Journey to Exodus: How my pain produced promise" Xaviera "Zay" Bell

took the front to talk about how she got started with the project, her reason for inviting others and the future. 

Next up was author Latoya Perry another Exodus Pioneer.  She was a little nervous (we all were) but she quickly warmed up and began to speak about her story and what it entails. 

I'm sorry but there will be no spoilers.  If you want to know more you will have to buy and then read your own copy! LOL!

Last but not least it was my turn.  I must admit I had been nervous the entire week leading up to the event.  It's something about knowing you have to stand in front of a crowd.  I felt butterflies every time I thought about it.  But you know what, when my time came the words just flowed.

After we all had spoken we enjoyed a great dance by one of my fellow church members at Kingdom Bible Christian Church.  This young lady is very talented and blessed by God.  The first time I saw her dance on Easter Sunday I was in tears.  I was very glad to run into her again a few Sunday's ago and very pleased she decided she would dance for this event.  She did an awesome job to Jessica Reedy's "Better". 

There is so much more to come.  Right now, an event is in the works for St. Petersburg, Fl. and Jacksonville, Fl. dates to be announced.  If you have any questions or would like me to come speak at your event please email me at openly.broken@gmail.com or if you would like to learn more about The Exodus Project you can reach Xaviera Zay Bell at exodus_project@outlook.com.  You can find links on this page to purchase your book.

A New Year's Revelation

The new year always brings new hope for me.  I know everyone is ranting and raving about not doing the whole "new year new me" thing.  But why not?  Why not make a dedication to do things differently and better? This is the perfect time to examine your life and look for ways to improve things in it.

This time last year was probably the first year that I did not feel hopeful.  I can't even remember what I did last New Year's that's how insignificant it was to me.  I had never experienced that before last year.  I wonder if going through depression had anything to do with that?

Depression rocked me to my very core.  It made me an entirely different person.  I was unrecognizable and I don't ever want to be that person again.  This is why I have made it my business to bring awareness to it.  Because I wasn't myself during this time it effected everyone around me including my kids.  They suffered too.  They didn't get the Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year's they deserved because of what I was going through.  I don't want that for them ever again.

I don't really have a New Year's Resolution but I have made some decisions.  I've decided to enjoy life no matter what!  I used to feel like I had to always have it together and everything had to be a certain way in order for me to be happy.  I am so happy that I don't feel this way anymore.  Things can be crazy in my life and it be okay.

This is more than a resolution its a revelation.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Upcoming Events & Announcements

Happy New Year!!! I am so excited about everything that is in store for Openly Broken for 2016.  Please stay tuned because there is so much more to come.  You can now view my video blog or vlog on YouTube.  Just type "Openly Broken" or you can go to Phatmag09.  You can also go to my Facebook page for all video's and other posts.

OPENLY BROKEN PROMO VIDEO

The Thin Line Between: Faith & Fear Part 1

Part 1

For so long my life has been an emotional roller-coaster for what I thought was a lot of different reasons.  But during this time in my life of self-examination I have come to discover that it has all boiled down to the fight in my life with my faith vs. my fear.

At times I realize my faith can be so high and at others my fear levels peak.  This has created a somewhat bi-polar type lifestyle and attitude that has left me drained and often times very confused.  One example that comes to mind are the times that I have gone to church and heard a great word of encouragement given by the pastor.  I leave church feeling so excited about life and ready to take on any and every challenge that may come my way.  But by mid-week I am like a totally different person.  I realize that like the body that can be on a sugar-high so can my mind and my spirit.  But like all sugar highs you can and will come crashing down.  It is only with a well-balanced and nutritious  diet that you avoid these highs and lows.  

So how do I avoid these highs and lows of experiencing extreme fear and faith?  I can honestly say that I am still in search of this answer, but lately I've noticed a difference in my life.  Even recognizing that I experience these highs and lows has somewhat helped.  It's impossible to fix a problem when you don't even recognize that you have one.  So, the first step in solving this problem has been in just recognizing that I have an issue.  

The next thing I noticed is the things that trigger the highs and the lows.  I noticed that there are certain things that happen in my life consistently that gives me a high feeling and that is "expectation".  For example when someone new walks into my life promising to be this or do that I am filled with so much hope for whatever they are promising I don't even allow myself to recognize that I could get disappointed.  So when I am disappointed the disappointment is so great I am extremely low.

So, how do I avoid this?  Well, I have come to recognize that NO ONE can be my "all" or fulfill my "all" in my life.  Recognizing this or the fact that they are human and can disappoint me helps me not to be so disappointed if they do let me down.

The one thing I never want to do is lose hope. I love being and feeling hopeful.  I cannot imagine life without hope.  But I have noticed that life and certain disappointments has a way of sucking the hope right out of you.  I'm trying to find a balance these days between remaining hopeful and being cautious.  

I want to keep my faith and I don't want to allow fear to stop me from doing this.

Putting On

I thought that this picture would be a cool way to illustrate my point very well.

I think we all have those days where we don't feel our best physically and mentally and we find ourselves "putting on" a smile when we want to frown and laughing when we want to cry. The difference is when this becomes a habit.  When we find ourselves doing this everyday.  When
"putting on" becomes the norm.

I think for me I found myself doing this so much and with so many people until I really couldn't tell who was who.  Who was the real me?

The sad part is, is that it got to where I didn't even know when I was doing it.  Sometimes I actually felt like I was being myself but I really wasn't.  I lost track of my true feelings.

There were moments when I felt okay enough to share a little bit of my true self but the truth was so far beyond my own recognition.  I couldn't even recognize that I was depressed or that something was wrong.  Putting on and then feeling sad because an every day thing.  It was my life.

What happens when WRONG=RIGHT?

Depression became the normal.  When I would come home I took that Candace off and felt exhausted.  In the morning when I put that Candace on I hated it.  I hated being "happy" and smiling because of how it made me feel afterwards, but sadly I didn't know why.  I just felt like this is what I had to do to get through the day.  This was what was expected of me.

How to show the real me?  The real me.  The real me was non-existent.  She had disappeared one day without my realizing it and was replaced with this false person.  This unrealistic person.

One thing for sure is that you cannot "put on" the same clothes and wear them day after day without some wear and tear showing up.  Eventually holes appear, stains, wrinkles, they even began to smell.  The holes eventually showed what I tried to cover.  The stains and wrinkles revealed my true self.  I began to not be able to hide the real Candace anymore and that created a problem.  So when I couldn't hide myself in public anymore I just never wanted to show my face.

Openly Broken

Exert

 "I realized that I’d had my whole life to practice how to smile when I wanted to cry, laugh when I wanted to scream and just cover up my true feelings.  I realized that the face I showed the world and even myself was a facade, an imitation of what I wished I was."

Exert and my 1st "Openly Broken" Discussion

 

"I am a Black Woman.

I am Strong.

Regal.

Always Confident."

 

These were the first words that I wrote when I thought of myself before.  These words echoed in my mind.  These words represented the ghost of Candace past.  They haunted me because they no longer represented me and I began to question if they ever did.


I remember the first time it was ever suggested to me that I go see "someone".  The someone being a psychiatrist.  I was immediately offended.  I felt like that person had slapped me in the face.  To suggest that me: Candace, needed to see a psychiatrist.  That suggested so much.  That said to me that "I'm crazy" that meant that "something was wrong with me." 


I was in denial about it until I sat down to talk with a lady that same friend suggested I go see.  I detail my encounter with this lady in "Openly Broken" and needless to say I no longer feel the same way I do as I did before.


But the question I pose today is why was it so offensive to me at the time?  Why was it so far fetched in my mind to need help...mentally?  And furthermore, why did needing help create a negative list of words that stained the back of my mouth?


According to "African American Women and Depression" an article written by Nia Hamm:

"Because mental health is a taboo subject in the African-American community, Black people are less likely than other groups to even acknowledge it as a serious problem. 

African American women tend to reference emotions related to depression as “evil” or “acting out.” They cite research providing evidence of communities holding on to long legacies of secrets, lies and shame originating from slavery. 

Avoiding emotions was a survival technique, which has now become a cultural habit for African-Americans and a significant barrier to treatment for depression. As a result, Black women are more likely to deal with the shame many feel about poor mental health and depression in much of the same way by avoiding the emotional toll it takes on them.

Not only do a troubling number of African-Americans not understand depression to be a serious medical condition, but the stereotype of the strong Black woman leads many African-American women to believe that they don’t have the luxury or time to experience depression. Some even believe it is only something White people experience. 

Through the ideal of the strong Black woman, African-American women are subject not only to historically rooted racist and sexist characterizations of Black women as a group but also a matrix of unrealistic interracial expectations that construct Black women as unshakable, unassailable and naturally strong."

This was my first article on African American women and depression and it took me a couple of hours to get through it.  No, not because it was a long study filled with useless data, and undecipherable and dense information.  It was because my eyes blurred from tears.  Every sentence made sense to me.  Every word connected with me and explained apart of me.  I read and re-read this article and I often refer to it when writing to different organizations enlisting their help in the community. 

I do feel strongly that I am not the only woman that feel this way or experience this in a much greater way.  However, I do understand reasons why it may feel like its not okay  to come forward, say something or do something.  The friend I was so offended by I thank today because now I am on the road to re-discovering Candace.

I will definitely discuss this further and in more detail throughout the life of this blog.

Candace