Untitled Poem by guest poet Chiquita Hyche

I’m broken n i don’t know how to heal myself.

I cry to myself every night.

Like i really want the pain to go away but i know I’m hurting for a reason .

When will it stop tho.

I have learned so much from this pain but y is it still hurting so much .

The older i get the deeper the wound gets.

What am i doing wrong.

I just want it to go away.

Rejection has become apart of me n the feeling is indescribable.

I feel like I’m not wanted.

My daddy put a spell on me.

Every nigga i meet reminds me of him.

They want me then they leave me.

Like i don’t know how much of this i wanna take.

I’m looking for love in all the wrong places but i don’t know how the right places look.

I’m using so many outlets to numb the pain but it just won’t go away.

I just want it to go away.

Even if it doesn’t go away give me something that’s worth going through the pain.

Right now i just don’t know.

But its Gods plan right??

Chiquita Hyche is a good friend, poet, and nail tech.

Sun Kissed Shoulders-- A poem by Tonisha N.

Sun Kissed Shoulders

It's something that I must get off of my chest when it comes to the softness of my black sistas.

We have allowed ourselves to become stone.

We have buried our emotions so deep within ourselves that most times we aren't sure if we have any.

We have been indoctrinated to believe that as a black women we feel no pain, but we do.

We feel it our bones every waking moment, we feel it in our heavy eyelids, we feel it in the soles of our feet, wee feel it deep within our spirit!

Yet, we NEVER speak about it.

We never allow our emotions to manifest themselves into tears to cleanse the soul.

Instead, we continue to bury them in liquor bottles, weed blunts, between sheets, and church pews!

We allow ourselves to be silent sufferers then have the audacity to be angry when no one ask "Sis, you okay?"

We faithfully answer with the centuries old rhetoric of "Yeah, girl, just tired."

We say it to convince others but most importantly ourselves.

We say it as if the woman that looks like you, walks like you, speaks like you, and have endured the same struggles as you can't see pass that soulless "Yeah, girl, I'm just tired."

It's like if we allow our emotions to seep through our pores we somehow become vincible.

We are afraid of humanness.

We are afraid to show our weaknesses because at every twist and turn they've been thrown back into our faces.

Still it's a must that we do it because the softness of our souls are in jeopardy.

The sun can't penetrate the essence of who you are if you're afraid of it.

Bask in your humanness, allow the sun to kiss your shoulders so that the magic that you were born with in your bones becomes so powerful that your descendants can be whomever they choose without fear or judgment.

Written by Tonisha N.

What is Depression? Part II- Responses

Responses from last Thursday's Live Instagram Therapeutic Session

Last Thursday's Live Therapeutic Session was epic.  I invite everyone that reads this post to join me on my Openly Broken Instagram page this and every Thursday for a live therapeutic session.  It was such a blessing to me and based on the responses I know that it was a blessing to everyone that participated as well.  I want to personally thank all of those who shared of their knowledge and their pain.  The topic of Depression, Mental Illness and how it effects the African American woman and the African American community is a much needed conversation today.

I would like to share with you some of the amazing responses and comments I received during the last session.  The topic was "What is Depression" and to narrow it down a little we discussed how it looks in the African American woman.  I'm so grateful and thankful to all of the counselors that joined the conversation to give some knowledgeable answers.  Please visit the supporters page to check out the counselors that joined the session.

"We all need someone to be there for us"

@tanya_kylie

I reached out to a lot of women that joined my page, hoping that they would be willing to share, what I definitely know to be some of the most intimate thoughts and feelings ever.  The response was overwhelming.  These ladies really opened up and became vulnerable for the sake of each other.  It was beautiful. 

"Invest in your health"

Ladonna N. Butler

Counselor

As African American women it is sometimes very difficult to find the time and money or the value in investing in our mental health.  For so long I did not even recognize a need for this type of self-care.  It wasn't until I was virtually unrecognizable to myself that I began to see a therapist.  That moment changed my entire life.  I firmly believe that if you are African American you need counseling (period)!  We go through so much, much more than a lot of other races, especially living in America.  Many of our communities are riddled with violence and drugs.  Not to mention the never ending drama we are exposed to and sometimes involved in.  These things along with life's ups and downs and unexpected turns it can be challenging knowing how to navigate through all of that and maintain healthy relationships with ourselves and others.  

"It's so easy to pass our stress to others without realizing it"

@tanya_kylie

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and they were venting to you and then afterwards you recognize that you have this anxious feeling?  Have you ever noticed that you may have been a little "snappy" with the next person you came in contact with?  I've noticed that a lot lately.  I don't think I knew to look for it at first but one day I realized that after I got through talking to someone about a heated situation I ended up arguing with someone very close to me.  I later wondered if I hadn't had that earlier conversation would I have gotten into an argument later.  I honestly don't know but what I've learned to do is this: pray. Whenever I've been exposed to a negative emotion and I realize that it's affecting me, I pray and ask God for peace.  Especially during this time in my life where I find myself vulnerable and exposed it is so important to stay protected.

I believe African American women have a great deal of unspoken pressure on us that further exacerbates feelings of sadness.  There are great expectations posed on us both internally and externally.  

Essence of Life Counseling

"We often lack self awareness...and insight."

Essence of Life Counseling

"Sometimes we don't allow ourselves to feel all of our emotions. #superwomansyndrone"

Ladonna Butler

"We constantly carry that weight on our shoulders and we are ridiculed when we even think about putting it down."

Shaquania Walker

I almost fell out of my seat when I read this comment from my personal spiritual counselor Shaqaunia Walker.  That weight.  What is that weight that we are always carrying?  Is it the weight of being perfect all the time?  Is it that weight of making sure that everyone else's need is taking care of all the time?  Is it that weight of being "super woman"?  This is a topic we will have to dedicate the full hour to one day very soon.  

"But we need to be aware of our kryptonite...lack of self care, microaggressions, unhealthy relationships, etc.."

LaDonna Butler

"Do a self exam every morning and every night.  Set a time to focus on who you are aside from the roles you have."

Essence of Life Counseling

One of the last things we talked about last Thursday was "self-care".  I suggested journaling.  Writing is a big passion for me.  It comes very easy to me so of course I find myself writing during the worse moments of my life.  It is a great release and I also get to go back an examine my personal thoughts.  Journaling also gives you the opportunity to be very honest.  You can write exactly how you feel without the fear of letting anyone else down or feeling guilty.  In my journal I can truly be myself.  I encourage you to try it.  

"Remember Queens need rest too."

LaDonna Butler

"Telling others and ourselves that we're fine is a defense mechanism...It also displays a lack of trust and constant displays of being let down.  We can't/won't open up to anyone.  Especially me."

One of the guest speakers @princess_empowerment stated that, "we don't protect our emotions."  And I had to agree with her.  For so long I did not protect my emotions nor did I attempt to protect my mental state and because of that I allowed so many unhealthy things into my personal space.  When we allow that, it changes us.  She went on to say that, " we suppress our feelings and trauma and (just) keep going."  It's a cycle of brokenness.  And in this cycle you can't "support yourself, your children or your family."

"Openly Broken" by Guest Blogger Chiquita Hyche

Openly Broken

written by Chiquita Hyche

This is something that cant be fixed.
I've been beat, battered, and bruised.
Physically, mentally and emotionally.
I'm hurt, I'm torn, I'm a mess.

As I far as life I don’t even know where to start with picking up these broken pieces.
I'm in a place where I cant even feel the pain anymore.
I'm numb to it.

I'm immune to it.
It really ain't no healing for it.
I really thank God above because if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t even be here to feel any of it.
I ask myself often, whats my purpose.
Like really whats my purpose? Outside of family and friends, nobody really loves me..got love for me or wants to love me?
Whats wrong with me?
They just want what was taken from me.

Everybody loves stolen goods.
Its valuable but its stolen so u ain't really gotta work for it.
I mean at this point how could you know your worth.
Its hard forcing a feeling that ain't really there.
I swear I wanna love myself so bad.
But its hard.
How can i?
I'm tired of pretending.
Where do I start.

They say just cry to ease the pain but the tears are just recycled bags of hurt.
I cant get rid of it.
I wake up in night sweats wishing that the dreams I have were nightmares.
Only to wake up to say that it was once as reality.
Even though those realities are no more I still feel them.
I still see them they wont go away.
These scars they wont go away.

I'm asked often am I okay.
Yes is the only answer I have.
I mean I am.
I'm alive right?
What I thought would break me in pieces, held every piece of me I have left together, what I thought would kill me gave me every inspiration to want to live.
After all the hurt after all the pain, after the regrets, after the rejection, after the self hate, after everything that I thought would be a reason to want to leave this earth.
I realized that its okay to live life openly broken..

Chiquita Hyche is a 28-year-old born in Jackson, MS.  She moved to Florida when she was 11 years old.  Since being here she's experienced so much. In those experiences she has learned that writing has helped her get through them.  Chiquita is a nail technician in Jacksonville, Fl.  She is also attending school to become a Pharmacy Technician.  

I AM...A Strong Black Woman!

I am a strong black woman.
I don't want to be.
Don't believe the hype.
I need to be.
I have to be in order to survive in this world.
If I'm not I will be gobbled up and then  regurgitated, my remains a visual aid used as an example to others that will come after me.


I am a strong black woman.
I don't choose to be.
I don't want to be.
I have to be,

I don't claim the title with pride.
I don't shout it with arrogance.
I don't say it so you'll tremble with fear.
It's not a strike against the black man's manhood.

I wasn't strong until I had to be.
This is about survival.

They don't love me.
They don't love this strong black woman,
The men don't.
The sons don't.
The daughters don't.
The others won't.

Most days I don't.
I can't love pain. And my pain has produced strength.

Untitled Poem by Candace Smith

We us…all of us women.

 We make up one woman, with one voice.

 We are one. 

One shape.

  One color.

 Black. 

Our individual shades and curves make up one body. 

Just as the body has many curves and grooves with fades of shades of a pallet of brown.

We are different.

 We each serve a purpose.

 But we are one.

We have one plight. 

One cry.

 One voice. 

Are we heard. 

We are confused because we each say something different.

No one has to kill us because we kill ourselves.

 Our body (because we are one body) fight each other. 

The cells that were created to protect turn on each other and attack. 

We, if united would be very strong. 

But we are not.

Exert from "Openly Broken"

“So, how are you feeling today?”  She calmly asked slowly enunciating each word.

My eyes immediately filled with tears.  I hate it when people ask me questions like that.  It made me realize that even on my happiest day there is always something wrong.  Some unspoken, unrealized sadness that sits in the corner of my mind that I have chosen (for that day) to not give my full attention to.  This at least allows me a temporary relief. 

I saw a post the other day on Facebook from one of my friends.  I have a lot of Facebook friends so no I don't know them all personally.  I usually just quickly scroll through and I honestly only really stop for funny meme's or videos or inspirational posts but as I was scrolling I stopped on one woman's post.

Her first words were: "I am not superwoman."  She stated her name and announced that she had been secretly dealing with depression.  She also stated that as of today she would be seeking help and asked humbly for prayers from her Facebook friends.

I sat and stared at her post for awhile.  I was comforted by it and I thought to myself: this is how it should be.  Why did it take a huge declaration to get someone to say that?  So many people I have come to realize at some point deal with depression.  Why are we not more forthcoming about this?

We don't care about announcing to anyone that hey I have the worst headache ever?  But we cant announce, not even to our closest friends and family if we're dealing with depression without feeling some kinda way about it.

Her first words echo in my head over and over " I am not superwoman."  I think that as black women we have to first realize this about ourselves and then slowly make everyone else see this as well. This whole "superwoman", "independent", "long as I got king Jesus" mentality has us often times exhausted, frustrated, unhappy, unhealthy and just plain out miserable.

We are often times portrayed in such extreme measures that it's almost nonhuman and definitely not realistic.  Black women are on one side of the coin: lazy, big-mouthed, overbearing, uneducated, oversexed, ghetto...and the list goes on and on.  But on the flip side we are said to be so strong, independent, nurturing, motherly, faithful...etc.  There's no middle ground and these words are so strong.  We are not allowed room to be vulnerable. We don't allow ourselves to freedom to be vulnerable and we definitely don't allow this from each other.  We are always expected to have it together, suck it up, look our best and so on.

This little blog doesn't do this subject justice which is why I am working on the second part to Openly Broken which will be more of a research project on the subject of depression and African American women and how it affects us mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well as how it effects us social in regards to our families and communities.

I'm looking for women that will come forward and be very open and honest on the subject and bring forth a fresh look.

This is a huge undertaking!  It's still in the planning and research stage.  I'm acquiring funding for this.  I'm hoping for a full year to devote to this project so hopefully it can be released by 2017.
My gofundme account will be up and running very soon and I've applied for some grants.  This is a very exciting and scary time in my life but I am definitly praying for the best.

I am looking for women and men to come forward and volunteer.  If you would like to be apart of my team or be interviewed and share your story you can email me openly.broken@gmail.com.  You can also donate to this movement by using my paypal @ phatabulous09@yahoo.com.

Donate button coming soon!  And don't forget to purchase your copy of Openly Broken for just $5.00.

Stay tuned for more information and future blog posts.

Candace

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Upcoming Events & Announcements

Happy New Year!!! I am so excited about everything that is in store for Openly Broken for 2016.  Please stay tuned because there is so much more to come.  You can now view my video blog or vlog on YouTube.  Just type "Openly Broken" or you can go to Phatmag09.  You can also go to my Facebook page for all video's and other posts.

OPENLY BROKEN PROMO VIDEO

The Thin Line Between: Faith & Fear Part 1

Part 1

For so long my life has been an emotional roller-coaster for what I thought was a lot of different reasons.  But during this time in my life of self-examination I have come to discover that it has all boiled down to the fight in my life with my faith vs. my fear.

At times I realize my faith can be so high and at others my fear levels peak.  This has created a somewhat bi-polar type lifestyle and attitude that has left me drained and often times very confused.  One example that comes to mind are the times that I have gone to church and heard a great word of encouragement given by the pastor.  I leave church feeling so excited about life and ready to take on any and every challenge that may come my way.  But by mid-week I am like a totally different person.  I realize that like the body that can be on a sugar-high so can my mind and my spirit.  But like all sugar highs you can and will come crashing down.  It is only with a well-balanced and nutritious  diet that you avoid these highs and lows.  

So how do I avoid these highs and lows of experiencing extreme fear and faith?  I can honestly say that I am still in search of this answer, but lately I've noticed a difference in my life.  Even recognizing that I experience these highs and lows has somewhat helped.  It's impossible to fix a problem when you don't even recognize that you have one.  So, the first step in solving this problem has been in just recognizing that I have an issue.  

The next thing I noticed is the things that trigger the highs and the lows.  I noticed that there are certain things that happen in my life consistently that gives me a high feeling and that is "expectation".  For example when someone new walks into my life promising to be this or do that I am filled with so much hope for whatever they are promising I don't even allow myself to recognize that I could get disappointed.  So when I am disappointed the disappointment is so great I am extremely low.

So, how do I avoid this?  Well, I have come to recognize that NO ONE can be my "all" or fulfill my "all" in my life.  Recognizing this or the fact that they are human and can disappoint me helps me not to be so disappointed if they do let me down.

The one thing I never want to do is lose hope. I love being and feeling hopeful.  I cannot imagine life without hope.  But I have noticed that life and certain disappointments has a way of sucking the hope right out of you.  I'm trying to find a balance these days between remaining hopeful and being cautious.  

I want to keep my faith and I don't want to allow fear to stop me from doing this.

Putting On

I thought that this picture would be a cool way to illustrate my point very well.

I think we all have those days where we don't feel our best physically and mentally and we find ourselves "putting on" a smile when we want to frown and laughing when we want to cry. The difference is when this becomes a habit.  When we find ourselves doing this everyday.  When
"putting on" becomes the norm.

I think for me I found myself doing this so much and with so many people until I really couldn't tell who was who.  Who was the real me?

The sad part is, is that it got to where I didn't even know when I was doing it.  Sometimes I actually felt like I was being myself but I really wasn't.  I lost track of my true feelings.

There were moments when I felt okay enough to share a little bit of my true self but the truth was so far beyond my own recognition.  I couldn't even recognize that I was depressed or that something was wrong.  Putting on and then feeling sad because an every day thing.  It was my life.

What happens when WRONG=RIGHT?

Depression became the normal.  When I would come home I took that Candace off and felt exhausted.  In the morning when I put that Candace on I hated it.  I hated being "happy" and smiling because of how it made me feel afterwards, but sadly I didn't know why.  I just felt like this is what I had to do to get through the day.  This was what was expected of me.

How to show the real me?  The real me.  The real me was non-existent.  She had disappeared one day without my realizing it and was replaced with this false person.  This unrealistic person.

One thing for sure is that you cannot "put on" the same clothes and wear them day after day without some wear and tear showing up.  Eventually holes appear, stains, wrinkles, they even began to smell.  The holes eventually showed what I tried to cover.  The stains and wrinkles revealed my true self.  I began to not be able to hide the real Candace anymore and that created a problem.  So when I couldn't hide myself in public anymore I just never wanted to show my face.

Openly Broken

Exert

 "I realized that I’d had my whole life to practice how to smile when I wanted to cry, laugh when I wanted to scream and just cover up my true feelings.  I realized that the face I showed the world and even myself was a facade, an imitation of what I wished I was."

Exert and my 1st "Openly Broken" Discussion

 

"I am a Black Woman.

I am Strong.

Regal.

Always Confident."

 

These were the first words that I wrote when I thought of myself before.  These words echoed in my mind.  These words represented the ghost of Candace past.  They haunted me because they no longer represented me and I began to question if they ever did.


I remember the first time it was ever suggested to me that I go see "someone".  The someone being a psychiatrist.  I was immediately offended.  I felt like that person had slapped me in the face.  To suggest that me: Candace, needed to see a psychiatrist.  That suggested so much.  That said to me that "I'm crazy" that meant that "something was wrong with me." 


I was in denial about it until I sat down to talk with a lady that same friend suggested I go see.  I detail my encounter with this lady in "Openly Broken" and needless to say I no longer feel the same way I do as I did before.


But the question I pose today is why was it so offensive to me at the time?  Why was it so far fetched in my mind to need help...mentally?  And furthermore, why did needing help create a negative list of words that stained the back of my mouth?


According to "African American Women and Depression" an article written by Nia Hamm:

"Because mental health is a taboo subject in the African-American community, Black people are less likely than other groups to even acknowledge it as a serious problem. 

African American women tend to reference emotions related to depression as “evil” or “acting out.” They cite research providing evidence of communities holding on to long legacies of secrets, lies and shame originating from slavery. 

Avoiding emotions was a survival technique, which has now become a cultural habit for African-Americans and a significant barrier to treatment for depression. As a result, Black women are more likely to deal with the shame many feel about poor mental health and depression in much of the same way by avoiding the emotional toll it takes on them.

Not only do a troubling number of African-Americans not understand depression to be a serious medical condition, but the stereotype of the strong Black woman leads many African-American women to believe that they don’t have the luxury or time to experience depression. Some even believe it is only something White people experience. 

Through the ideal of the strong Black woman, African-American women are subject not only to historically rooted racist and sexist characterizations of Black women as a group but also a matrix of unrealistic interracial expectations that construct Black women as unshakable, unassailable and naturally strong."

This was my first article on African American women and depression and it took me a couple of hours to get through it.  No, not because it was a long study filled with useless data, and undecipherable and dense information.  It was because my eyes blurred from tears.  Every sentence made sense to me.  Every word connected with me and explained apart of me.  I read and re-read this article and I often refer to it when writing to different organizations enlisting their help in the community. 

I do feel strongly that I am not the only woman that feel this way or experience this in a much greater way.  However, I do understand reasons why it may feel like its not okay  to come forward, say something or do something.  The friend I was so offended by I thank today because now I am on the road to re-discovering Candace.

I will definitely discuss this further and in more detail throughout the life of this blog.

Candace

The Purpose...

Ok. So honestly I've been avoiding writing anything on this page because honestly I am still getting used to who I am these days.  Every time I think about the Candace I use to be (happy, hopeful, fun, enjoying life--good and bad) and compare her to the Candace I am now (angry, bitter, breaks down every five minutes, crying all the time) I get so frustrated with myself.  I don't even want to deal with it.

Well that's sort of the purpose of this blog.  It is a place where I am ( and you are if you choose) force to deal with yourself and an issue called DEPRESSION. Something I've heard a lot about throughout the years.  I've probably experienced a time or two in my life but never at this magnitude.  I've been forced to look into it and found out some very interesting things.

Things like:

1. Roughly 20 million people in the United States suffer from depression every year.
2. 1 in 4 young adults will suffer an episode of depression before age 24.
3. Women are 2 times as likely to suffer from depression than men.
4. People who are depressed are more prone to illnesses like colds than non-depressed people.
5. Continuous exposure to violence, neglect, abuse, or poverty may make people who are already susceptible to depression all the more vulnerable to the illness.

And there is so much more:  There are some interesting facts when it comes to Depression and African-American Women but I will deal with that in another post.  I  will say this however:

Disclaimer

This blog will be mostly dedicated to African-American women dealing with depression.  Why? Well, first of all I am African-American.  I can't really talk about something I know nothing about.  Secondly, studies have shown that:

"Black women are among the most undertreated groups for depression in the nation, which can have serious consequences for the African-American community."

Studies have also shown that African American women are the least likely to seek treatment for various reasons one of which is religion.  But that is another topic for another day.  But we will explore all of these things on this page.

So my purpose is not to exclude one group.  Everyone! Man women boy and girl are free to discuss their dealings with depression.  But my main focus will be with African-American women for reasons I've previously discussed.

So, now that that is out of the way.  I will also say that I've realized that I cannot expect you the reader to participate honestly if I don't.  This won't be easy for me but every time I write something on here I do tend to be as honest as possible.



Tampa, FL. Book Signing and Reading Event!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!