Nicki vs. Cardi | Why are y’all shocked???

Of course a lot of the talk and conversations regarding Cardi B and Nicki Minaj New York Fashion Week fight has died down but I found myself still thinking about some underlying similarities between these two women and myself. 

This past week every time I scrolled through my various social media platforms I found several posts regarding these two women.  The comments were deep and the conversations was heavy.  Some women were going in screaming I hate seeing Black women portrayed in this light.  While others were immersed in the drama screaming #teambardigang or #teambarbs, going hard for their favorite female rapper.

It seems as if Cardi B's gang can clearly see the sneaky barbs orchestrating cold and calculated moves to mess up her name and bag.  But the barbs feel as if Cardi hasn't paid her dues enough to even be in the same league as Nicki. 

I honestly could care less which side you fall on.  I don't necessarily have a side.  I enjoy some of both of their music however they don't represent my aesthetic. I share moments with their music that remind me of my past self  and the woman I look to hide from the world.

After reading and viewing some of the other first responders (blogs, news outlets, vlogs) and  scrolling through social media I feel like a lot of us has forgotten one very important thing.  And that is-- that these two women are human beings just like you and me.  Sometimes we are so busy judging others that we forget how we are exactly the same way. 

I will be honest and maybe even the first to admit this but sometimes it's hard to see your friend winning especially when you're not.  And, in most cases its not that you don't want to see them win.  No, it's not that.  It's just that seeing them win really shows you how much you're losing.  And that's okay too.  How you handle these particular set of feelings says a lot about who you are as a woman.

If you are a woman who responds to other women's success with jealousy, spitefulness, being vindictive and petty and picking her apart and pointing out every flaw--You have the problem, not her!

If you are a woman who responds to other women's success by not being able to acknowledge her success without pettiness and some way of making her look insignificant than--You are the problem not her.  Recognizing another woman's success does not take away from your own and I honestly feel like we forget that.  We shine the brightest when we shine together!

I really dislike it when people say things to me like, "Oh, yea I seen your lil blog!"  "Oh, I heard about your lil magazine" and "I see where you say you starting a little company"  Excuse You! I have decided that the next person that does this I will politely say thank you, but there's actually nothing (little) about anything that I do!  It's VERY big to me!

I think it's hard sometimes to be really good at something or very successful for a long time and then all of a sudden there's a new person.  A person whose younger, prettier, doing it just a little bit bigger, or getting a little bit more attention than you to come on the scene.  It's hard.  But it doesn't have to become something that is TOXIC.

When we harbor those feelings of jealousy, and resentment and we make moves that will ensure our success by taking down our rivals or competition we only hurt ourselves.  You will reap what you sew.  Whatever seeds of evil you plant for others will find its way sprouting up in your front or backyard.  And I say backyard because sometimes God don't allow everyone to see the Hell you secretly going through all because you've plotted against or talked against and down on someone. 

What if we all decided to just stay in our lanes and do the best with what we have and give it our best shot encouraging each other along the way.  I'm not saying we all have to work together side by side singing Kumbaya, my Lord.  No, but we can at least decide to respect one another.  Make a pact with ourselves and say I'm not going to speak ill of my sister, my friend, my co-worker, my church member or whoever we're working beside. 

These two women can decide that they don't ever wanna be on a track together.  There's nothing wrong with that.  It would be nice though but it would really have to be genuine because sometimes our best singers come together and they sound good and the video looks good but you can't really figure out why it's not as great as others and it really does have a lot to do with chemistry and how they vibe together.  If they are not getting along a lot of times you can easily tell, especially when you compare it to others where you can see the love.

"I NEED TO VENT!"

The other day I was an emotional wreck.  I was so frustrated by a conversation that I had with someone very close to me.  I hung up the phone in a completely different mood than when I first answered it.  Don't you just hate it when that happens?  Don't you just hate it when you finally wake up on the "right" side of the bed and you're feeling good and actually getting something done only to have it ruined by a phone call.

I'll be honest, some days the phone rings and I look at my caller ID and continue to let it ring.  I only do it when I know the person calling is calling with a bunch of negative energy--ready to unleash it on me.  I have to prepare "mentally" and "emotionally" for those types of phone calls.  I pray and put on the whole entire "armor of God."

Read: Love is Not Proud
Watch: Daddy Issues Part 2

But this particular day I got tricked.  I was feeling so good, without thinking I answered and before I knew it I was sucked into a conversation I hadn't planned or prepared for.  I started the conversation comfortably in my chair but by the end of it I was on my feet pacing the room, adrenaline rushing and heart racing.  My voice was scratchy and horsed from being raised.

I hung up the phone and plopped back down in my chair exhausted and feeling like I had literally been in a physical fight.  I had so much energy and anger and honestly I wasn't finished saying everything I wanted to say so I picked up the phone to dial a friend that I knew would listen and be understanding.

I almost couldn't wait to get my good friend on the phone.  We all have that one friend that is willing and ready to listen to us pour out the latest gossip, frustration, anger or tears.  I'm one of those friends.  I will grab me a glass of wine, a snack and settle in like it's a movie!

As I was scrolling to find their number, mind racing with all of the things I planned to say I abruptly put my phone down.  I didn't really want to do this because I knew where it would lead me.  You see this was my cycle--my routine--I get upset I call someone to vent.  I talk for hours saying all of the things I really wanted to say and planned on saying to the actual person but honestly it never got done--and I was tired of it.

READ: FAKE LOVE
WATCH: CAN HAVING A MAN/BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP HELP MY DEPRESSION?

Stop venting and not correcting.  Venting is a temporary fix.  Sometimes venting causes more

problems then they solve.  There's nothing wrong with venting to a close friend or confidant but we have to be very careful that we don't use it as a crutch to avoid dealing with the actual situation.

A venting moment is suppose to be just that--a moment!  It's suppose to be an opportunity to give you a chance to calm down.  Let out all of your emotional stuff--anger, sadness, tears--and give you the chance to talk it out and find a way to express your feelings to the actual person you have a problem with correctly.

Venting is not meant to be an excuse to talk about somebody behind their back but never address the actual issue with the actual person you've offended or are offended by!  We form cliques, friendships, and unhealthy bonds and alliances with people out of frustrated moments.

Social psychologist Brad J. Bushman, who teaches at Ohio State University and has researched aggression and coping said that "Research clearly shows that venting increases rather than decreases stress... People say that venting feels good, but the good feeling doesn't last, and it only reinforces aggressive impulses."

So instead of calling someone to vent I decided to take a brisk walk.  I used this time to think about the entire conversation, but instead of just focusing on my side and my thoughts and my feelings I made myself be objective and actually try to understand the other person's point of view.  Let me just say this--it was not easy!

In the end I recognized where the other person did have some valid points.  I waited another day just to be sure that I was completely calmed down and I called the person back.  I apologized for raising my voice and not really listening and then I brought up the points they made that really did make sense but I was too upset to listen to.  I also brought up the points they made that didn't make sense to me or that I was totally against and I finally got the chance to explain them and why.  This made a big difference!  I felt heard and so did the other person.

READ: "BLAME"
WATCH: "STOP TRYING TO PLEASE PEOPLE"

In the end, none of us was 100% right but our relationship is better because we talked it out and came to a compromise and now we have a better way of communicating.  When I think about all of the relationships that have been ruined by the lack of communications I get a sick feeling in my stomach.  It's happened too many times in my life and I'm really tired of it.

But I'm learning that difference of opinions doesn't have to be the reason for an argument, tension, and frustration if its addressed and worked through.  I know that we all have moments where we are so frustrated and filled with emotions that we just gotta vent--and that's okay.  It only becomes a problem when we use these moments to talk about someone behind their back without ever addressing the actual issue.

The next time you find yourself in a moment of frustration or whatever and you feel like you need to vent try this first:

1. Go for a brisk walk
2. Write about the situation in a journal
3. Pray or meditate

REFLECTION TIME: Now, once you've calmed down re-play the situation.  DON'T do this if you're still angry.  Do this only after you've calmed down.  Actually think about the situation and think about what the other person said.  Be honest with yourself and then really examine how you feel.

ADDRESS THE ISSUE: If the relationship is worth the time and effort call them back or agree to meet in person (in a public place if needed) and invite a mutual friend, someone who will stay objective and wants the best for both of you.  Addressing the issue is the most important thing to do.  Unresolved issues will often leave residue.  Stress, anxiety and even panic attacks are a result of unresolved issues--they haunt you and eat up your time and mental space.  Addressing the issue will lesson if not alleviate those symptoms.

I know that venting may seem like the most natural thing to do but it just may not be the best thing to do in every case.  Also be careful who you vent to.  Make sure that person is going to advise you to do the right thing and not stir up more trouble.

Untitled Poem by Tonisha #day17 #28daysofselflove

Reddened eyes
Up all night
Baby in one arm
Briefcase in the other
Strolling down the street
“Hey bitch, can I have your number?”
Hold up, pause,
“Is that how you speak to your mother?”
The language that drips from your lips is so vile for this woman of color


It gots to be that black girl magic that keeps us from going under
It’s wicked how we’re rejected and disrespected because of our melanin
Yet, you have those of the lighter persuasion trying to
Walk like us
Talk like us
Look like us
Be like us
But they can’t
See, they can’t relate to this struggle

This chocolate skin
Baby, it wasn’t always in
And this kinky hair
Doused in relaxers and flatirons
Taking care of your kids with nothing but peanut butter in the fridge
Let’s not forget little Amy receiving that position that you’ve earned
Being taught to watch your mouth to persevere that man’s ego
Ergo, I must be little miss submissive in order for him to be attentive

But, sweetheart, listen
Everything has an expiration date
And those days and times are over
Exude that black girl magic that lies within
Snatch those bandages off and let them wounds heal

It’s okay to be soft
It’s alright to reveal
Let go of that hurt
So that you can begin to live
My name is not “bitch, hoe, slut, or ayo ma”
Call me by my name or don’t call me at all!

Tonisha is a poet that will grace this blog frequently.  Her work mirrors the expressions of this blog and I welcome her voice and talent. 

Sun Kissed Shoulders-- A poem by Tonisha N.

Sun Kissed Shoulders

It's something that I must get off of my chest when it comes to the softness of my black sistas.

We have allowed ourselves to become stone.

We have buried our emotions so deep within ourselves that most times we aren't sure if we have any.

We have been indoctrinated to believe that as a black women we feel no pain, but we do.

We feel it our bones every waking moment, we feel it in our heavy eyelids, we feel it in the soles of our feet, wee feel it deep within our spirit!

Yet, we NEVER speak about it.

We never allow our emotions to manifest themselves into tears to cleanse the soul.

Instead, we continue to bury them in liquor bottles, weed blunts, between sheets, and church pews!

We allow ourselves to be silent sufferers then have the audacity to be angry when no one ask "Sis, you okay?"

We faithfully answer with the centuries old rhetoric of "Yeah, girl, just tired."

We say it to convince others but most importantly ourselves.

We say it as if the woman that looks like you, walks like you, speaks like you, and have endured the same struggles as you can't see pass that soulless "Yeah, girl, I'm just tired."

It's like if we allow our emotions to seep through our pores we somehow become vincible.

We are afraid of humanness.

We are afraid to show our weaknesses because at every twist and turn they've been thrown back into our faces.

Still it's a must that we do it because the softness of our souls are in jeopardy.

The sun can't penetrate the essence of who you are if you're afraid of it.

Bask in your humanness, allow the sun to kiss your shoulders so that the magic that you were born with in your bones becomes so powerful that your descendants can be whomever they choose without fear or judgment.

Written by Tonisha N.