The fight is never over!

Everyday the sun rises and my eyes flicker open there is a tiny feeling of dread that rushes over me. It's a new day.  This used to make me smile.  The thought of a new day brought hope.  For a brief moment every day the thought of a new day makes my stomach spin.  Why?  I honestly don't know and I wont pretend I do.  I wish I could go back to being hopeful and happy for no reason at all, but I'm realizing everyday that I don't get that opportunity to just go back.  I have to evolve.  I have to find a new happy and a new normal.  I have to accept things that have happened and the things that are happening now and find peace in that.

Appearances can sometimes be our worst enemy.  I've had so much practice pretending to be happy...you know smiling, laughing, responding to the words that come out of other people's mouths, but the moment I'm alone I feel exhausted and it's only then that I realize it was all a charade. It takes great effort to break a habit. You first of all have to realize that you have a bad habit.  Once you realize that you have a habit you then have to find the will to "want" to break that habit.  Just because you know something is bad for you doesn't mean that you immediately want to stop doing it. Sometimes you've done something for so long that you don't even realize when you're practicing a bad habit.

I was comfortable with hiding my hurt.  I didn't realize I did this until I was severly depressed.  Now that I know I do this I don't just magically do what's right and what's best. Everyday is a fight.  It's a fight to express when I'm really hurting.  It's a fight to not smile when I'm hurting.  It's a fight admit to someone that they've hurt my feelings or let me down in some way.  I still feel the need to let everyone think that I am stronger than what I truly am.