Love or Insecurity? by guest blogger Jessica Hugo

"Hi, my name is Simeon" he said, moving over to Ella's table as he pulled out a seat opposite her, in a restaurant. "May I sit with you please"? he asked smiling sheepishly, showing off his slightly yellow and well-arranged dentition. 

She paused for a moment, lifting her face slowly from the floor to his shoes, to his well-tailored trouser and shirt and then she looked up and caught his smile. She was smitten.

Ella was a beautiful young lady who worked as an administrative officer, in a small company opposite the restaurant. She usually went there for lunch when the office assistant was too busy to get her food in time. She had just graduated from the university and was hoping to get into a serious relationship, while equally building her career.

As she gazed at the good looking, well-dressed young man standing tall opposite her, she couldn't hesitate to accept. "Oh..yes please" she said wittingly, urging him on. She was curious to meet this handsome dude who walked boldly to her table, to sit with her.

Few minutes later, she was giggling, they were both laughing out loud as they enjoyed their lunch together. He ordered for the exact meal, she was eating.

Simeon was a new engineer transferred from a branch of his company in Nice, France to the head-office in Paris which was just beside Ella's office in Champs Elyseè's street, Paris. He was relatively new and was yet to make new friends. Spotting a beautiful young lady as he walked into the restaurant eating quietly alone that day, he decided to take his chance. It worked as he was certain Ella would fall for his advances. He watched her laugh hysterically to his every joke and noded with wide smiles.

They hung out more often, shared life experiences and goals, and a month later, became an item.

"I love you Ella", He proclaimed every now and then and would often shower her with lots of expensive gifts and attention. He'd take her on various baecation treats in different cities and never hesitated to call her, his. It was all romantic and ooey-goey. He packed on a lot of PDAs. He seemed calm and caring, She loved him genuinely and enjoyed every moment spent with him. He was a quiet gentleman, who was in love.

Three months down the line, things began to change. Simeon always found fault in Ella. From the way she dressed, to the way she said 'hi', to the way she loves to express herself. It first started as a mild criticism, then to sarcasm and heavy anger explosions. He'd try to belittle her and called her several demeaning names. But Ella was 'gracious' and tried to live to please Simeon by meeting his 'standards'. She wanted peace.

She felt he needed to be shown more love and constant reassurance and that she was always going to be there for him. She began to live by his rules and she felt by doing these, it would please him and make him less angry.

She was wrong!.

She wouldn't communicate with her male colleagues at work because Simeon thought they were all going to date her. She stopped hanging out with her friends except Simeon approved and he would bombard her with questions over the phone afterwards or when ever next they see, on every detail of the outing. She was literally walking on eggshells. He imagined every man out there was there to flirt with or date her. She made excuses for his behaviors because she felt he was in love.

Ella was hardly a social butterfly but Simeon would question her every move. He was jealous and possessive and would demand to know (and give approval) before she goes anywhere. He wasn't only distrustful of Ella but also distrustful of others in general including himself. He was always suspicious of people's intent and thought everyone out there wanted to take advantage of him.

She was in constant battle to please him. He was beginning to shrink and pressure her to live the way he wants. And she was unknowingly encouraging that by changing herself to suit his selfish demands regardless of how it made her feel. No, it's not because he doesn't like the way Ella looks, but because he doesn't want other people to like the way she looks so he'd try to control her by asking her to change her clothes, complain about her wearing makeup, etc. He wanted to make her look the way he thinks she should look.

Amidst these, he was also caring and very affectionate and would often act in a way that suggests Ella was his entire world. He'd often use emotional blackmail and guilt- trip moves to try to control Ella. It was as if he was in constant fear that he may lose her. She got manipulated to think she wasn't good enough, and he blamed her for  everything. EVERYTHING!!! The more she tried to impress him, the more she lost herself and the more depressed she became. He was insatiable and was never going to change. He was an insecure man in love.

Wait!

 You see, there's absolutely no wrong in feeling a bit of occasional jealousy with a partner. But when it becomes a constant that it begins to emotionally drain you, watch it! Men who are insecure are usually abusive.

They may appear all sweet and romantic and caring and all that jazz until it gradually begins to turn to sweet obsession.

            6 SIGNS OF AN INSECURE MAN

1. At first, he dotes you with so much compliments on your looks and appearance. He believes it's exotic. But as time goes by, he would begin to dictate how you dress.

 "You don't need to wear lipsticks"..."you don't need to wear figure-hugging dresses"...Etc. In his mind, he strongly believes you're trying to dress up to attract other men. Even though you love him with all your heart, he constantly doubts your integrity.

Please note: It's not your fault that he feels insecure. He's probably been ever that way long before he met you. A man who loves you will trust you without trying to change you. He'd always want his partner to look best in her appearance not for the sake of other men but to feel happy and confident from the inside.

2. They constantly guilt-trip or try to blackmail you emotionally.

He'd accuse you of having an affair with literally everyone you come across with, including co-workers or business partners, just to coerce you and keep you ' in check'. This is due to their low self esteem. Somehow, somewhere in their minds, they believe they're not fit for you and that you're busy in search of a better partner.

Please note: INSECURE men are vulnerable in their thoughts and play a lot of mind games. Be ready to explain and explain and explain some more for nothing!

3. They're possessive and overly protective. 

They can cut you out from making new friends or even hanging out with your old friends. This is because they get jealous that you can be having fun without them. They always want to be a part of everything you do. They always want to cling to you and would sometimes even make you to cancel on work or other important appointments just to be with them. Whenever you're apart, they believe you're trying to cheat on them.

Please note: Obsessions turn into emotional abuse which is a serious sign of insecurity.(red flag)

4. They usually become stalkers. 

They'd stalk your social media, keep an eye on your cell phone, and sometimes follow you around without your knowledge. They'd badge into your office or home uninvited and unannounced just to 'check' on you.

Please note: There's something creepy about being stalked. It is even a criminal offense in most developed countries.

5. Their moods largely depend on their partners. 

I admit it's okay to be sensitive about the mood of your partner. Atleast to know how s/he feels and try to make them feel better. With an insecure partner, it largely depends on you. If you're happy and loving towards him or her, s/he's happy and in a good mood too. However, if you aren't all lovey-dovey to validate your affection for him or her, s/he becomes sad and depressed and this puts pressure on you to always try to put yourself in a good mood in order to make him or her happy.

Please note: Happiness is an inside job. It shouldn't depend on things or anyone.

6. They don't take criticisms too well. 

No one loves to be criticized I know! But constructive criticism isn't something really bad. If you decide to discuss some traits about him which you don't like, it rarely ends well and he would use it against you. Instead of listening to the concerns you've raised and reflect inwardly, he turns it around on you. He never takes the blame and you're always at fault.

A little space of your own every now and then is required if you find yourself in any such situation. You can also seek professional assistance. Just ask yourself... Is this love or insecurity? You are not responsible for anyone's insecurity. Just know that insecurity can be overcome only when a person recognizes they're insecure and consciously take steps to do something about it.

What are your thoughts? Don't forget to follow me on IG: @jessicahugoinspire and twitter: @jessyaijay.

Jessica Hugo.

Bio: Jessica Hugo is a writer and a published author, she's the founder of http://jessicahugoinspire.com , a blog centered on personal development. 

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"WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE HIM?" Domestic Violence in the Black Community

Why Don't You Just Leave Him?

I used to ask this question all the time.  I would be home in the safety and comfort of my living room or bedroom watching a good ole Lifetime channel movie.  I know you've seen at least one!  They're all just about the same.  A man meets a women, she falls head over heels for him.  She thinks he's her knight in shinning armor only to discover that he has this deep dark side.  He's controlling, he's manipulative, he's mean and he's abusive.  

At the first signs of abuse I'm yelling at the T.V. like "why won't you just leaveeeeee????"  After the first punch I'm throwing shows like yelling at her like, "girl, you stupid. "  I used to get so frustrated.  By the end of the movie I'm crying thanking God she made it out but I never really understood why do women stay in abusive relationships.  

I never understood until I was in one myself.  The funny thing is, it took me awhile to even realize, I was one of those Lifetime movie women.  I was the one making excuses.  I was the one hiding bruises and scars.  I was lying to friends and family.  I was covering for him and pretending everything was good when behind closed doors there was a war going on and I was losing.

Domestic Violence also known as Intimate Partner Violence is affecting many women of color.  Intimate Partner violence is defined as "physical violence, sexual violence, stalking and psychological aggression (including coercive acts) by a current or former intimate partner.

Many women equate domestic violence or intimate partner violence to just physical abuse but it goes much much deeper than this.  Often times the abuse starts earlier with verbal insults and intimidation.  Your self-esteem and self-worth is attacked daily.  "You'll never be anything without me"  "Nobody will ever want to be with you" "I'm the only one who will ever really love you"  Sound familiar?

A lot of women are not aware of financial abuse.  In my opinion financial is one of the worst forms of abuse.  If you ask most abused women why they stayed so long it generally boils down to money.  Where will they go?  How will they survive?  And what about the kids?

Men who abuse know this so they look to control women with money.  In most cases they are the controllers of the bank accounts, bank statements, debit cards.  They are also usually the main financial supporters--meaning they bring in the big bucks.  Women in these situations usually have to ask or beg or account for every dime that they spend.  

A lot of women are in abusive relationships but never have bruises.  They are abused in

many ways psychologically.  They feel trapped and abandoned.  Abusers are great manipulators.  They will have your family fooled.  Everyone loves him or her.  They can do no wrong.  If ever you try to mention something you are usually shushed or not believed.

Many women cover for their abusers.  They wear make-up, they tell lies, they stop hanging out with friends, and they avoid family--all because they don't want anyone to know they are being abused.  They don't want anyone to know because they don't want to make things worse.  They feel like they cannot change the situation so they adapt.  They normalize the abuse.  This is very dangerous.

Physical and verbal abuse is very normal in the Black community.  Women are often called bitches, and hoes on an every day basis.  We hear this is music and we see it on TV.  So many young girls are raised hearing their mothers, aunts, sisters, cousins and other females being called out of their name daily.  It's so normal that we are not shocked.  We sometimes call each other by the same names.

Seeing other women being abused is the norm in some environments and communities as well.  It's so normal that women that are in relationships with men that don't abuse them will pick fights or leave the healthy relationship for an abusive one.  It's sad but it is the TRUTH.  I've held so many conversations with women over the course of my adult life where they are abused regularly and yet they continue to stay with their abusers.  

Most women know that it is wrong.  Most women want to leave.  They want better but they just don't know how to escape the cycle of abuse.  The cycle of abuse goes like this: first, there's the "tension-building phase" and this is different for many people.  This is the build up phase--bills are piling up, loved ones have to come and stay with you, the car breaks down, someone loses a job or becomes ill, children presents problems anything that basically causes strain on the relationship.  

The "tension-building" phase leads to the "Crisis Phase" where the violence breaks out in the form of verbal or physical abuse.  "During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate their partner (survivor) with the use of domestic violence."

The final phase is the "Calm or Honeymoon" phase in which the abuser will try to reconcile with the abused.  They will offer gifts, apologize, agree to go to counseling, say they will change, agree to go to church.  And yes, they are convincing and they will sometimes make steps towards this but then something will happen and the cycle will repeat itself all over again. 

One thing I want to include in this calm and honeymoon phase is that sometimes the abuser will do nothing.  They will totally ignore what has happened or how they threatened or blew up at the kids or ran off for days.  They will just carry on with life without an apology or recognition of their wrong.  This is not okay!  

Being in an abusive relationship is something that should be taken seriously at all times.  It should never be viewed lightly.  There are so many aspects of abuse to consider.  We don't know why people chose to abuse others, maybe they were abused maybe they have mental issues or anger issues.  It doesn't matter.  Get out of it.  Please don't make excuses for that person.  There are so many horror stories and tragedies that happen all around us every day but we have normalized this behavior.  

Statistics show that Black women are "two and a half more likely to be murdered by men than their White counterparts.  Black women also experience significantly higher rates of psychological abuse--including humiliation, insults, name-calling, and coercive control--than do women overall."

If you are currently in an abusive relationship please seek help.  I know that it may feel like there is no way out but there is.  It does not matter if you are financially able to take care of yourself because there are agencies and advocates trained to help you navigate through this time and help you get on your feet.  Please take action.  Your life is too precious and you are too valuable to live a life full of fear.

Here are a few articles and numbers that may help:

1. Financial Abuse: 6 Signs and What You Can Do About It

2. Violence Against Black Women: Many Types Far-reaching Affects

3. Intimate Partner Violence-Definitions

4. Cycle of Abuse

5. The National Domestic Violence Hotline