Why Don't You Just Leave Him?
I used to ask this question all the time. I would be home in the safety and comfort of my living room or bedroom watching a good ole Lifetime channel movie. I know you've seen at least one! They're all just about the same. A man meets a women, she falls head over heels for him. She thinks he's her knight in shinning armor only to discover that he has this deep dark side. He's controlling, he's manipulative, he's mean and he's abusive.
At the first signs of abuse I'm yelling at the T.V. like "why won't you just leaveeeeee????" After the first punch I'm throwing shows like yelling at her like, "girl, you stupid. " I used to get so frustrated. By the end of the movie I'm crying thanking God she made it out but I never really understood why do women stay in abusive relationships.
I never understood until I was in one myself. The funny thing is, it took me awhile to even realize, I was one of those Lifetime movie women. I was the one making excuses. I was the one hiding bruises and scars. I was lying to friends and family. I was covering for him and pretending everything was good when behind closed doors there was a war going on and I was losing.
Domestic Violence also known as Intimate Partner Violence is affecting many women of color. Intimate Partner violence is defined as "physical violence, sexual violence, stalking and psychological aggression (including coercive acts) by a current or former intimate partner.
Many women equate domestic violence or intimate partner violence to just physical abuse but it goes much much deeper than this. Often times the abuse starts earlier with verbal insults and intimidation. Your self-esteem and self-worth is attacked daily. "You'll never be anything without me" "Nobody will ever want to be with you" "I'm the only one who will ever really love you" Sound familiar?
A lot of women are not aware of financial abuse. In my opinion financial is one of the worst forms of abuse. If you ask most abused women why they stayed so long it generally boils down to money. Where will they go? How will they survive? And what about the kids?
Men who abuse know this so they look to control women with money. In most cases they are the controllers of the bank accounts, bank statements, debit cards. They are also usually the main financial supporters--meaning they bring in the big bucks. Women in these situations usually have to ask or beg or account for every dime that they spend.
A lot of women are in abusive relationships but never have bruises. They are abused in
many ways psychologically. They feel trapped and abandoned. Abusers are great manipulators. They will have your family fooled. Everyone loves him or her. They can do no wrong. If ever you try to mention something you are usually shushed or not believed.
Many women cover for their abusers. They wear make-up, they tell lies, they stop hanging out with friends, and they avoid family--all because they don't want anyone to know they are being abused. They don't want anyone to know because they don't want to make things worse. They feel like they cannot change the situation so they adapt. They normalize the abuse. This is very dangerous.
Physical and verbal abuse is very normal in the Black community. Women are often called bitches, and hoes on an every day basis. We hear this is music and we see it on TV. So many young girls are raised hearing their mothers, aunts, sisters, cousins and other females being called out of their name daily. It's so normal that we are not shocked. We sometimes call each other by the same names.
Seeing other women being abused is the norm in some environments and communities as well. It's so normal that women that are in relationships with men that don't abuse them will pick fights or leave the healthy relationship for an abusive one. It's sad but it is the TRUTH. I've held so many conversations with women over the course of my adult life where they are abused regularly and yet they continue to stay with their abusers.
Most women know that it is wrong. Most women want to leave. They want better but they just don't know how to escape the cycle of abuse. The cycle of abuse goes like this: first, there's the "tension-building phase" and this is different for many people. This is the build up phase--bills are piling up, loved ones have to come and stay with you, the car breaks down, someone loses a job or becomes ill, children presents problems anything that basically causes strain on the relationship.
The "tension-building" phase leads to the "Crisis Phase" where the violence breaks out in the form of verbal or physical abuse. "During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate their partner (survivor) with the use of domestic violence."
The final phase is the "Calm or Honeymoon" phase in which the abuser will try to reconcile with the abused. They will offer gifts, apologize, agree to go to counseling, say they will change, agree to go to church. And yes, they are convincing and they will sometimes make steps towards this but then something will happen and the cycle will repeat itself all over again.
One thing I want to include in this calm and honeymoon phase is that sometimes the abuser will do nothing. They will totally ignore what has happened or how they threatened or blew up at the kids or ran off for days. They will just carry on with life without an apology or recognition of their wrong. This is not okay!
Being in an abusive relationship is something that should be taken seriously at all times. It should never be viewed lightly. There are so many aspects of abuse to consider. We don't know why people chose to abuse others, maybe they were abused maybe they have mental issues or anger issues. It doesn't matter. Get out of it. Please don't make excuses for that person. There are so many horror stories and tragedies that happen all around us every day but we have normalized this behavior.
Statistics show that Black women are "two and a half more likely to be murdered by men than their White counterparts. Black women also experience significantly higher rates of psychological abuse--including humiliation, insults, name-calling, and coercive control--than do women overall."
If you are currently in an abusive relationship please seek help. I know that it may feel like there is no way out but there is. It does not matter if you are financially able to take care of yourself because there are agencies and advocates trained to help you navigate through this time and help you get on your feet. Please take action. Your life is too precious and you are too valuable to live a life full of fear.
Here are a few articles and numbers that may help:
1. Financial Abuse: 6 Signs and What You Can Do About It
2. Violence Against Black Women: Many Types Far-reaching Affects
3. Intimate Partner Violence-Definitions
4. Cycle of Abuse
5. The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Many women equate domestic violence or intimate partner violence to just physical abuse but it goes much much deeper than this. Often times the abuse starts earlier with verbal insults and intimidation. Your self-esteem and self-worth is attacked daily. "You'll never be anything without me" "Nobody will ever want to be with you" "I'm the only one who will ever really love you" Sound familiar?
A lot of women are not aware of financial abuse. In my opinion financial is one of the worst forms of abuse. If you ask most abused women why they stayed so long it generally boils down to money. Where will they go? How will they survive? And what about the kids?
Men who abuse know this so they look to control women with money. In most cases they are the controllers of the bank accounts, bank statements, debit cards. They are also usually the main financial supporters--meaning they bring in the big bucks. Women in these situations usually have to ask or beg or account for every dime that they spend.
A lot of women are in abusive relationships but never have bruises. They are abused in
Many women cover for their abusers. They wear make-up, they tell lies, they stop hanging out with friends, and they avoid family--all because they don't want anyone to know they are being abused. They don't want anyone to know because they don't want to make things worse. They feel like they cannot change the situation so they adapt. They normalize the abuse. This is very dangerous.
Physical and verbal abuse is very normal in the Black community. Women are often called bitches, and hoes on an every day basis. We hear this is music and we see it on TV. So many young girls are raised hearing their mothers, aunts, sisters, cousins and other females being called out of their name daily. It's so normal that we are not shocked. We sometimes call each other by the same names.
Seeing other women being abused is the norm in some environments and communities as well. It's so normal that women that are in relationships with men that don't abuse them will pick fights or leave the healthy relationship for an abusive one. It's sad but it is the TRUTH. I've held so many conversations with women over the course of my adult life where they are abused regularly and yet they continue to stay with their abusers.
Most women know that it is wrong. Most women want to leave. They want better but they just don't know how to escape the cycle of abuse. The cycle of abuse goes like this: first, there's the "tension-building phase" and this is different for many people. This is the build up phase--bills are piling up, loved ones have to come and stay with you, the car breaks down, someone loses a job or becomes ill, children presents problems anything that basically causes strain on the relationship.
The "tension-building" phase leads to the "Crisis Phase" where the violence breaks out in the form of verbal or physical abuse. "During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate their partner (survivor) with the use of domestic violence."
The final phase is the "Calm or Honeymoon" phase in which the abuser will try to reconcile with the abused. They will offer gifts, apologize, agree to go to counseling, say they will change, agree to go to church. And yes, they are convincing and they will sometimes make steps towards this but then something will happen and the cycle will repeat itself all over again.
One thing I want to include in this calm and honeymoon phase is that sometimes the abuser will do nothing. They will totally ignore what has happened or how they threatened or blew up at the kids or ran off for days. They will just carry on with life without an apology or recognition of their wrong. This is not okay!
If you are currently in an abusive relationship please seek help. I know that it may feel like there is no way out but there is. It does not matter if you are financially able to take care of yourself because there are agencies and advocates trained to help you navigate through this time and help you get on your feet. Please take action. Your life is too precious and you are too valuable to live a life full of fear.
Here are a few articles and numbers that may help:
1. Financial Abuse: 6 Signs and What You Can Do About It
2. Violence Against Black Women: Many Types Far-reaching Affects
3. Intimate Partner Violence-Definitions
4. Cycle of Abuse
5. The National Domestic Violence Hotline
