Untitled Poem

My Rainbow

My rainbow begins and ends with blue.
But beneath my surface I can be green.
Green with envy of my other colors.
Like Yellow.
Sometimes I shine so bright.
But be careful because I burn.
I burn like a red fire.
It's hot in my soul.
My blues soothe others.
A reflection of my soul.
My rain comes with a bow.
It's a gift.

Finding the Strength to Seek Help: Reflections on My Journey with Depression

Finding the Strength to Seek Help

I've spent the past few days reflecting on the moments that led up to me getting help for depression.  I recently read a few articles on Michelle Williams (former Destiny's Child member) where she talked about dealing with depression herself.

She ended up checking herself into a clinic.  I thought that this was pretty amazing.  I also thought about how nice it must be to be able to do that.  I think a lot of us could use some time away from our environments--especially the toxic ones!   

I also admired her bravado. She openly expressed her situation with the world.  It's a lot of us out here scared and ashamed to tell our family, friends, and pastors that we are secretly dealing with depression and other mental health issues.  She chose to tell the entire world and I can't help but have respect for her.  That is NOT an easy thing to do!

But, reading about her situation triggered thoughts of my own and I won't lie--at first, I got really depressed!  I was sad and I just couldn't shake it for nothing!  The moments leading up to you wanting to get help are the hardest moments because you keep telling yourself that you can get through it.  You lie to yourself and say, "you're okay" and you lie to others as well.  

I recognize that I waited so long to get help because I didn't know I needed it.  I wasn't aware of how serious your mental health is.  Now that I know I really can't shut up about it.  Your mental health affects everything you do.  You can't really be in a healthy relationship with anyone (family, friends, spouse...etc.) with a mental illness--and not receive any help.  There will always be problems.

For the past two weeks I've talked about mental health and relationships.  I even discussed it with my son's father who also deals with mental health issues.  We both recognized that we could never really love each other until we loved ourselves enough to get help.   

CLICK HERE TO READ MENTAL HEALTH AND RELATIONSHIPS

It's really sad that many of us don't even get the help.  A lot of people we go to work with, sit right next to in schools, praise the Lord with at church on Sundays and even in our families are walking around ill--mentally.  And that's really sad to me.

What's good though is that you don't have to stay that way.  There's help.  There are options.  It may take some time digging into resources available, but you are WORTH the time and effort.  Your mental health is worth the time!  

START with a call to your insurance or doctor.  Make a call and see what services are available.  If you don't have insurance there are services available that are free, or they may make you sign up for free health insurance through Medicaid.

TALK to someone.  Talk to someone that is willing to listen and HELP.  Some people (especially black people) don't really believe in going to therapy or counseling for several reasons, but you can't worry about them or what they have to say.  Talk to someone you know will understand--even if they are not a person of color.  

SUPPORT.  Find support.  Build a team a network a tribe a fortress--whatever you wanna call it!  You are going to need a team of people.  For depressed people this seems like the worst thing ever, but it is very necessary.  And it may take some time because sometimes people want to help but they may not be able to.  You need people that love you--yes!  But you also need people that understand what you are going through.  They have to understand or be willing to learn and understand your mental illness.

CONTINUE.  When the doctor prescribes medication, they always advise you to take the full prescription.  Even when you think you're better keep following the instructions of your therapist, counselor, or spiritual adviser.  If you've been prescribed physical fitness such as running, swimming, tennis, art, prayer, medication or meditation...do it!  And don't stop.  

Healing from Church Hurt: My Journey to a Genuine Relationship with God.

Healing from Church Hurt: My Journey to a Genuine Relationship with God. 

Now, everyone's church hurt is different but there are a few key ingredients.  The main one being that the hurt involves people from the church.  I think that the most hurt occurs when it involves an authority figure within the church such as a pastor, preacher, apostle, bishop, first lady or someone with a title.

It hurts when someone in authority does something that hurts you but doesn't handle the situation the way the Bible says to handle it.  (Matthew 5:23-24) When people in authority abuse their power and no one calls them out on it because of their title--it hurts.  And it especially hurts when that person in authority decides that they won't be challenged or addressed because of their title--yea that hurts!

It hurts to attend a church every Sunday, invest your time into the people and they become like family and then when issues arise as they always do and the authority chooses the side of the most popular people in the church or the church family when they clearly see the wrong.  They never address it and everyone just goes on and makes you feel as if you don't really matter.  That hurts.  A lot of times people feel swindled when they receive such a warm welcome into the church and then later discover the cliques, politics, jealousy, backstabbing, and gossiping that happens.  It can be very difficult to deal with.  Some things go unaddressed for decades or are never addressed but this is the opposite of what is preached.

It hurts when people in authority have their own issues but they hide and cover them up, but stand up and boldly and loudly call you out on your issues.  And then when God reveals to everyone their issues they never address it just, but go on with life as if nothing is wrong.  And then when you try to ask them about it they rebuke you and distance themselves from you.  That hurts.  Especially when you thought you actually had a real true friendship and not just like some professional business arrangement wrapped up in a spiritual blanket.  Yea that hurts.

People are often ostracized within the church because they speak the truth and call out people in authority that want to abuse their power.  That hurts.  But you wanna know what I learned--the hard way?  Hurt is hurt.  It is our views that cause us to feel that this is a different kind of hurt.

I had to recognize something for myself--I idolized people in the church.  So therefore when they fell short of the grandiose way I viewed them--I was hurt.  In fact, my foundation of the Church and Christianity was built around this idea of people with titles and positions that they are somehow God-like.  They are not!  They are human beings just like you and me.

When I recognized this my whole outlook on church changed.  I felt like I owed them an apology for holding them so high on a pedestal.  My salvation and my relationship with God is mine and how dare I put that precious and intimate item in the hands of anyone else! The people I had put high up on a pedestal had fell down far and hard in my eyes when in reality they didn't fall any harder or lower than I ever fell.  And I've never fallen to low or to hard that I couldn't get back up.

But when we are looking at people through these "you are larger then life" glasses our view becomes distorted.  And yes, sometimes people of the church do like to try to build themselves up higher than what they are.  This is why their fall is so hard for them as well--because we all fall!  No one is the exception to that rule!  I don't care who you are or who you think you are!

It's a very hard pill to swallow when you recognize that what you thought was real is actually not!  I used to view church as this great place that I could come to and lay all my burdens and then return home and not really have a relationship with God.  My relationship was more so with the church and that's a problem!

Sometimes when we experience church hurt we can behave as if we've just broken off a relationship with a guy or a girl.  That's what this entire situation with Leandria Johnson reminds me of.  When I've ended relationships in the past and they didn't end well I can remember saying some real ungodly things either to myself about the person or to them!  It's so crazy how I can remember being so angry at different churches.  It would always shock me and catch me off guard when terrible things would happen in the church.  

I had this idea that nothing bad was suppose to happen there--FALSE!  The church is the people.  The people = The church.  You can't get one without the other.  Church hurt is really hurt cause by people just like you.  But when you magnify the idea of church and make it magical and mystical you feel like it's a different kind of hurt.

I'm so glad that my church hurt happened.  It crumbled my false ideas of the church and the people that made up the church.  Now, my main focus is my relationship with God and I don't need a membership for that.  I know that people like to encourage you to go to church but I want to encourage you to have a relationship with God no matter what church you find yourself in.  

I've been a member of a few churches.  The people are always changing.  The pastors even change.  But God always remain the same --faithful, loving, forgiving-- always there to heal all hurt--including #churchhurt!

Untitled Poem by guest poet Chiquita Hyche

I’m broken n i don’t know how to heal myself.

I cry to myself every night.

Like i really want the pain to go away but i know I’m hurting for a reason .

When will it stop tho.

I have learned so much from this pain but y is it still hurting so much .

The older i get the deeper the wound gets.

What am i doing wrong.

I just want it to go away.

Rejection has become apart of me n the feeling is indescribable.

I feel like I’m not wanted.

My daddy put a spell on me.

Every nigga i meet reminds me of him.

They want me then they leave me.

Like i don’t know how much of this i wanna take.

I’m looking for love in all the wrong places but i don’t know how the right places look.

I’m using so many outlets to numb the pain but it just won’t go away.

I just want it to go away.

Even if it doesn’t go away give me something that’s worth going through the pain.

Right now i just don’t know.

But its Gods plan right??

Chiquita Hyche is a good friend, poet, and nail tech.

Untitled poem by Chiquita Hyche

You say it's selfish of me to take my own life
Well I think it's selfish of you to want me in pain
I don't think you really understand how bad I just want the pain to go away
I'm tired of feeling like this
Every time I close my eyes
I relive every moment that put me in pain in the first place
My mind be playing these games with me
It's telling me to leave
It's telling me to stay
But if I stay the pain won't go away
I often question myself--What's the purpose?
Why am I here?
Am I here to endure more pain?
I keep battling with these demons that I just want to get away from
I pray
I cry
I pray
I cry
The drinking only makes me forget my pain momentarily
I really don't know if things are getting better
or am I just use to it
I just want it to go away
Why me???
I mean it is...
but hey who else is living my life?
Me...
but these are just my thoughts from a broken soul

Chiquita Hyche is a poet, nail tech, and a long time friend. Follow her on Instagram @naildbyjuicy

Blogger Sunshine Award 2018

The Sunshine Blogger Award is peer recognition for bloggers that inspire positivity and joy in their writing.

My blog "Openly Broken" was nominated by Beauty, Christ, Relationships blogger Teliah Nashonia. In her blog she writes about her struggles with depression and anxiety, but also how her relationship with Christ has helped her make it through tough times.  

I enjoy reading her blog because she is very uplifting and encouraging as well as down-to-earth and relate-able.  She also v-logs on her YouTube channel offering her viewers make up tips and tutorials.  


Teliah and I connected through blogging and we've been friends ever since.  I'm so happy to have met her because I've prayed for friends who are godly and share similar interests.  Meeting her has been an answered prayer.

Openly Broken was birthed out of a lot of pain.  I was going through the worst moments of my life.  I really thought that I lost myself because I barely recognized the person that I'd become.  Openly Broken has given me the opportunity to have a space to learn and grow spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.  I've learned so much about myself by evaluating my past and present, examining my faults and finally being totally honest about who I am and who I strive to be.


Although this has been a very excruciating process I've enjoyed sharing my experiences and getting feedback from people who share similar circumstances.  Receiving this nomination for this award has been very exciting and I hope to share that excitement with others.   I'm also going to nominate some of my fellow bloggers for this award.  I hope you can participate.  

These are my nominations:

1. Neci Dawson with Candied Y.A.M.S Makeup Artistry is my first nomination.  I met Neci while networking through social media.  I love love love her name because it makes me feel good every time I see it LOL.  She has an awesome blog filled with make-up tips and a YouTube filled with make up tutorials.  Every Sunday she goes live using her YouTube platform and shares her secret make up tips.  Her lives are full of laughs and you always learn a lot.  

2. My next nomination goes to Tashauna Hill @off-mute!  She is a very beautiful and talented blogger.  I got the opportunity to collaborate with her on a blog post that was very emotional for the both of us and it's called "Daddy Issues"---! I met @off-mute through social media interactions and she has since taken her blog to the next level.  I enjoy reading her blogs and I love her visuals. 

3.  My final nomination goes to @RIZM.  Rizm is a multi-talented writer, singer, performer and yes --my baby daddy! When I'm not feeling as confident in my writing I often go to him and he gives me a ton of support and I'm always very appreciative of that.  He's a very talented writer with an amazing story which he often writes about using his blog and in the lyrics of his music.





Congratulations to my fellow bloggers and nominees.  Good Luck! 

Can you tell me some of your strengths that really helped you in blogging?

I named my blog Openly Broken so that it can remind me to be just that--open about my brokenness.  I've found that my strength comes from being honest and open about depression and it's affects on my life. 

What type of networking do you think is better to enhance your traffic to the blog?

I think forming genuine and authentic relationships always work best. I enjoy networking because it gives you an opportunity to meet so many different people and connect with them in different ways.  I remind myself that its not just about business but forming and maintaining relationships.

How do you want to improve yourself in the next year?

I would like to improve my communication and writing skills. I would also like to improve physically and mentally.

What was your greatest failure and what did you learn from that?

My greatest failure in my eyes was dealing with depression.  I did not like who I had become.  But God has used my worst moments to grow me in other areas of my life and for that I'm grateful and thankful.

Who has impacted you most in blogging and how?

I honestly can't say that it's been just one person.  I am so glad that I got connected with so many bloggers through groups in Facebook and on Instagram.  Reading other blogs and being in contact with other bloggers I am always inspired by their topics, writing skills, and creativity.  

One fellow blogger that definitely stands out to me is Teliah Nashonia.  She has a faith-based blog dedicated to her love for Christ and Beauty (make-up) and I love how transparent and bold she is in her writing.  Seeing her posts encourages me even the more to write my truest and honest feelings without reservations.

What do you do in your spare time?

I have three kids so there is no such thing as "spare time" LOL.  When I do get some free time I do enjoy reading self-help books and magazines, and autobiographies baking, traveling (road trips), and watching documentaries.

Where would you like to be in blogging five years from now?

I would just like to see where this takes me.  I don't even know if I'll be blogging then. I do know that I will always write.

Have you met anyone interesting/famous on your blogging journey?

I've definitely met some interesting people during my blogging journey but I don't know about famous.

What are your favorite hobbies?

My three favorite hobbies are: reading, writing, and (I really don't have time for a third one because I can barely do the first two!)

What are 3 items you can not live without?

My phone, chocolate, and a journal!

What one thing do you wish your blog readers knew?

How much I appreciate them checking out my blog and sharing their thoughts.  This really means a lot to me because it let's me know that there are others out there who understand and share my views. 

Suggested rules for the award, should you choose to accept, (your option):

• Thank the blogger who nominated you for a blog post and links back to their blog.
• Answer the 11 questions the blogger asked you.
• Nominate 3-11 new or new to you blogs to receive the award, and write 11 questions for them.
• List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post and/or on your blog.

Here are my questions for my nominees, should you accept this award:

1. When and why did you start blogging?
2. What methods do you use to overcome writers-block?
3. What are your blogging goals for the next five years?
4. What is your inspiration for your blog?
5. Who inspires you and why?
6. What is one struggle area and your plan to overcome it?
7. List three great qualities you possess.
8. If today was the last day that you could post to your blog what would you write?
9. What would you love to write about but afraid to?
10. What is your dream job and why?
10. In your own words, define LOVE.