BLACK WOMEN--HOW WE CONTRIBUTE TO THE CYCLE OF ABUSE

I know you probably read the title to this and rolled your eyes.  I know you're probably like--here we go again.  Another person ready to dog out the black woman!  Well, thanks for clicking anyway.  And if you continue reading you will see that although some of my words may sting a little bit but it is the sting of truth.

So, a little while ago I wrote about Intimate Partner Abuse.  As black people this is so prevalent in our relationships we don't even recognize it.  And no I'm not just talking about physical abuse, although this is a big deal.  I'm talking about verbal abuse, mental and emotional abuse and financial abuse.  Now, there may be a small population of women thinking to themselves, "I've never been abused" and you may be right but look around.  What about your friends, family members, co-workers, church members, and neighbors--I promise you won't have to look hard to find someone that has dealt with abuse on some level.

As I explained in my last post, "Why Don't You Just Leave Him?--Domestic Violence in the Black Community" When I was younger I used to watch those Lifetime movies all the time where the husband beat his wife, and I always asked myself "why don't she just leave him?".  As I got older and I begin to see some of my friends and peers be involved in abusive relationships I begin to ask the same question.  I really didn't understand.  It wasn't until I found myself involved with someone who I thought was PERFECT that I slowly started to understand the complicated dynamics of abusive relationships.

With Black women it is slightly different.  We see a lot more violence and abuse than other groups of women.  In fact, "statistics show that Black women are two and half more likely to be murdered by men than their white counterparts.  Black women also experience significantly higher rates of psychological abuse--including humiliation, insults, name-calling, and coercive control--than do women overall." It is because of this that in some cases we are more accepting of violence.

Being in an abusive relationship changes you.  I never realized how much it could change you until it was to late.  First of all let me say this: If you've been in an abusive relationship I suggest that you take the time to see a therapist.  A lot of times we as Black people go through major life changing traumatic events and never take the time to talk to anyone about it.  We end one abusive relationship only to enter another relationship without taking the time to check up on our mental health.

If you seek out help first before entering another relationship you can express things such as, how being in an abusive relationship changes your life.  It does--and we have to acknowledge that.  We cannot change what we don't take the time to acknowledge.

When I think about an abused person I'm reminded of how an abused dog behaves.  A dog that has been starved of affection, food, and beaten and yelled at, and berated-- is a changed dog.  Even if it gets a new owner it still doesn't change the fact that it was once abused.  A rescued dog is either timid or aggressive.

This is how we as women behave sometimes in new relationships if we were once abused and now

find ourselves with new partners, friends or boyfriends.  We're jumpy so every time the new flame makes a move that reminds us of the abusive partner we will either cower or become defensive.

Sometimes we can turn into the abusers.  Abuse comes in many forms--physical, emotional, financial and sexual.  Although women can most definitely fall into every last one of these categories I would like to especially talk about emotional abuse.

"Emotional abuse is an attempt to control, in just the same way that physical abuse is an attempt to control another person.  The only difference is that the emotional abuser does not use physical, hitting, kicking, pinching, grabbing, pushing, or other physical forms of harm.  Rather the perpetrator of emotional abuse uses emotion as his/her weapon of choice."

Most of the time, as women, we are not aware of how we can be emotionally abusive.  Sometimes our feelings of insecurity translates as cheating and then we may falsely accuse men of cheating, blame them for our own personal unhappiness, constantly check voice and text messages.  "The accusations, the blame, and the constant checking up are forms of emotional abuse."

It took me awhile to see and understand the ways in which we as women can play a role in the cycle of abuse.  I had to look very closely at my past actions after I left my abusive partner.  Things that I noticed was a lot of yelling (which is not technically abuse because everyone yells in the heat of an argument), "but screaming at someone hysterically in an emotional verbal assault is considered to be emotional abuse."

The danger in continuing in this destructive cycle is that it is never-ending.  Emotional abusers continue to berate, verbally bash, and criticize everyone they become romantically involved with.  But it doesn't just stop there--emotional abusers affect the lives of everyone around them--their children, friends, family members, co-workers...etc.

I hear Black women being described as loud, aggressive, over-bearing, not really good listeners and the list goes on and on, but when you think about all of the things we have to endure.  We are constantly criticized for everything.  We are criticized for things other races are praised for--it's unfair but it's facts!  I can honestly say that this may be where a lot of frustration comes from with Black women.

The problem with this is sometimes when you have a lot of anger or frustration stored up it comes up and out at the wrong time and the wrong place.  It's like the wounded and abused dog example--the dog may end up getting a better and loving owner who may get attacked just for helping.  This happens a lot of times when we leave one abusive relationship and then get into another one.  That new person has every intention of treating us better but because we've been hurt, mistreated and yes abused we may come off as abusive ourselves. 

The moral of the story is this: we each have to evaluate ourselves and ask ourselves why "we" ended up in abusive relationships, and why did we stay? 

Staying Connected when Depressed is EVERYTHING!!!

Stay Connected!

Stay Connected!  I know, it's so easy to say but when you're depressed it can be the hardest thing to accomplish.  I know this all to well now, but there was a time when I didn't know what was wrong with me.  Why were there times when I could easily be the life of the party and a social butterfly but then other times I was withdrawn, anti-social and someone that couldn't even get out of bed?

According to the American Psychiatric Association, depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.  Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed.  It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person's ability to function at work and at home.


When you are facing depression the most natural thing to do is stay to yourself.  It is also the most dangerous thing that you can do.  Some signs of depression include:

• Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
• Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
• Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
• Loss of energy or increased fatigue
• Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., hand-wringing or pacing) or slowed movements and speech (actions observable by others)
• Feeling worthless or guilty
• Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
• Thoughts of death or suicide

Being in a depression is like being in a heavy fog.  You can't see or think clearly.  There have been times where I missed important appointments and deadlines.  It's important that you have someone in your life that you can turn to during these times.  This is not the job for everyone.  I know that in these situations we generally turn to family and close friends and if they are willing you can try it out but I definitely suggest that you really give it some thought and consider the following.

1. Does this person understand what Depression is and the signs of it?
    Having someone in your life that understands what depression is and the signs of it keeps you      from having to explain it to them all the time.  And sometimes when you're going through a depressive episode you may not even recognize it so it's good to have someone who is familiar with your "normal" behavior so that they can see when you've changed.

2. Have they experienced Depression before or currently dealing with Depression?
    It's good to have someone in your corner that understands what depression is and that                recognizes the signs, however, it may not be the best decision to have your go-to person        someone who deals with depression.  You may find yourself in need of some help but you're partner may be in need of help themselves.  And you don't really wanna see two people depressed--it's soooo depressing (j/k)!!!!!!

3. Are they judgey (judemental)?
I'm sorry but you have to consider this.  Do you get comments like--maybe you just need to get out and meet someone... or are you sure you're depressed or is it that "time of the month"?  I can go on and on.  If the person your considering to be your go-to person--think again!  During this time you really don't need someone that just "don't get it"  you need someone that will be empathetic but not enable you.

4. Are they willing?
This is an emergency situation.  This is no time for a flaker.  The person has to be willing to listen, to talk at all sorts of inconvenient hours, to show up and be prepared for a fight--because of course you're not going to want to get out of bed, brush your teeth, and bathe willingly!

I've personally found that when I force myself to get up and get out of the house--even if it's to the grocery store I immediately feel better.  It doesn't mean that I don't crawl right back in bed the moment I get home but you really have to pick your battles.  I try not to let a day go by without me at least getting out of the house.

I also will only pick up the phone for certain people.  These people I know that when I talk to them they will pray for me, make me smile or laugh, come drag me out the house or encourage me in some way to start making moves.  These people are important because they help sometimes help the fog clear faster or at least guide you through it.



References:
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression

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"GOD, LOVE, SEX, AND DRUGS" A poem written by guest poet Tonisha N.

I wanna lay up in between sheets

I wanna smoke this pain away

I’m hurting inside

And I feel as if I’m just fading away

No one understands how it feels

Doctors only know how to prescribe pills

And not how to actually heal

So you find other ways to heal

Smoking weed

Drinking vodka

Misusing pills

Sleeping with a man

To feel as if you’re still in control

But it starts talking a toll

Next thing you know

You’re no longer bitter

Now you’re mad as hell

And no one can tell you how you got here

They say talk to god but he was never there

No one wants to die they just want the pain to be still

God

Love

Sex

And

Drugs

Heal my pain so I won’t hurt anymore...

Tonisha N. is a writer and poet.

Love or Insecurity? by guest blogger Jessica Hugo

"Hi, my name is Simeon" he said, moving over to Ella's table as he pulled out a seat opposite her, in a restaurant. "May I sit with you please"? he asked smiling sheepishly, showing off his slightly yellow and well-arranged dentition. 

She paused for a moment, lifting her face slowly from the floor to his shoes, to his well-tailored trouser and shirt and then she looked up and caught his smile. She was smitten.

Ella was a beautiful young lady who worked as an administrative officer, in a small company opposite the restaurant. She usually went there for lunch when the office assistant was too busy to get her food in time. She had just graduated from the university and was hoping to get into a serious relationship, while equally building her career.

As she gazed at the good looking, well-dressed young man standing tall opposite her, she couldn't hesitate to accept. "Oh..yes please" she said wittingly, urging him on. She was curious to meet this handsome dude who walked boldly to her table, to sit with her.

Few minutes later, she was giggling, they were both laughing out loud as they enjoyed their lunch together. He ordered for the exact meal, she was eating.

Simeon was a new engineer transferred from a branch of his company in Nice, France to the head-office in Paris which was just beside Ella's office in Champs Elyseè's street, Paris. He was relatively new and was yet to make new friends. Spotting a beautiful young lady as he walked into the restaurant eating quietly alone that day, he decided to take his chance. It worked as he was certain Ella would fall for his advances. He watched her laugh hysterically to his every joke and noded with wide smiles.

They hung out more often, shared life experiences and goals, and a month later, became an item.

"I love you Ella", He proclaimed every now and then and would often shower her with lots of expensive gifts and attention. He'd take her on various baecation treats in different cities and never hesitated to call her, his. It was all romantic and ooey-goey. He packed on a lot of PDAs. He seemed calm and caring, She loved him genuinely and enjoyed every moment spent with him. He was a quiet gentleman, who was in love.

Three months down the line, things began to change. Simeon always found fault in Ella. From the way she dressed, to the way she said 'hi', to the way she loves to express herself. It first started as a mild criticism, then to sarcasm and heavy anger explosions. He'd try to belittle her and called her several demeaning names. But Ella was 'gracious' and tried to live to please Simeon by meeting his 'standards'. She wanted peace.

She felt he needed to be shown more love and constant reassurance and that she was always going to be there for him. She began to live by his rules and she felt by doing these, it would please him and make him less angry.

She was wrong!.

She wouldn't communicate with her male colleagues at work because Simeon thought they were all going to date her. She stopped hanging out with her friends except Simeon approved and he would bombard her with questions over the phone afterwards or when ever next they see, on every detail of the outing. She was literally walking on eggshells. He imagined every man out there was there to flirt with or date her. She made excuses for his behaviors because she felt he was in love.

Ella was hardly a social butterfly but Simeon would question her every move. He was jealous and possessive and would demand to know (and give approval) before she goes anywhere. He wasn't only distrustful of Ella but also distrustful of others in general including himself. He was always suspicious of people's intent and thought everyone out there wanted to take advantage of him.

She was in constant battle to please him. He was beginning to shrink and pressure her to live the way he wants. And she was unknowingly encouraging that by changing herself to suit his selfish demands regardless of how it made her feel. No, it's not because he doesn't like the way Ella looks, but because he doesn't want other people to like the way she looks so he'd try to control her by asking her to change her clothes, complain about her wearing makeup, etc. He wanted to make her look the way he thinks she should look.

Amidst these, he was also caring and very affectionate and would often act in a way that suggests Ella was his entire world. He'd often use emotional blackmail and guilt- trip moves to try to control Ella. It was as if he was in constant fear that he may lose her. She got manipulated to think she wasn't good enough, and he blamed her for  everything. EVERYTHING!!! The more she tried to impress him, the more she lost herself and the more depressed she became. He was insatiable and was never going to change. He was an insecure man in love.

Wait!

 You see, there's absolutely no wrong in feeling a bit of occasional jealousy with a partner. But when it becomes a constant that it begins to emotionally drain you, watch it! Men who are insecure are usually abusive.

They may appear all sweet and romantic and caring and all that jazz until it gradually begins to turn to sweet obsession.

            6 SIGNS OF AN INSECURE MAN

1. At first, he dotes you with so much compliments on your looks and appearance. He believes it's exotic. But as time goes by, he would begin to dictate how you dress.

 "You don't need to wear lipsticks"..."you don't need to wear figure-hugging dresses"...Etc. In his mind, he strongly believes you're trying to dress up to attract other men. Even though you love him with all your heart, he constantly doubts your integrity.

Please note: It's not your fault that he feels insecure. He's probably been ever that way long before he met you. A man who loves you will trust you without trying to change you. He'd always want his partner to look best in her appearance not for the sake of other men but to feel happy and confident from the inside.

2. They constantly guilt-trip or try to blackmail you emotionally.

He'd accuse you of having an affair with literally everyone you come across with, including co-workers or business partners, just to coerce you and keep you ' in check'. This is due to their low self esteem. Somehow, somewhere in their minds, they believe they're not fit for you and that you're busy in search of a better partner.

Please note: INSECURE men are vulnerable in their thoughts and play a lot of mind games. Be ready to explain and explain and explain some more for nothing!

3. They're possessive and overly protective. 

They can cut you out from making new friends or even hanging out with your old friends. This is because they get jealous that you can be having fun without them. They always want to be a part of everything you do. They always want to cling to you and would sometimes even make you to cancel on work or other important appointments just to be with them. Whenever you're apart, they believe you're trying to cheat on them.

Please note: Obsessions turn into emotional abuse which is a serious sign of insecurity.(red flag)

4. They usually become stalkers. 

They'd stalk your social media, keep an eye on your cell phone, and sometimes follow you around without your knowledge. They'd badge into your office or home uninvited and unannounced just to 'check' on you.

Please note: There's something creepy about being stalked. It is even a criminal offense in most developed countries.

5. Their moods largely depend on their partners. 

I admit it's okay to be sensitive about the mood of your partner. Atleast to know how s/he feels and try to make them feel better. With an insecure partner, it largely depends on you. If you're happy and loving towards him or her, s/he's happy and in a good mood too. However, if you aren't all lovey-dovey to validate your affection for him or her, s/he becomes sad and depressed and this puts pressure on you to always try to put yourself in a good mood in order to make him or her happy.

Please note: Happiness is an inside job. It shouldn't depend on things or anyone.

6. They don't take criticisms too well. 

No one loves to be criticized I know! But constructive criticism isn't something really bad. If you decide to discuss some traits about him which you don't like, it rarely ends well and he would use it against you. Instead of listening to the concerns you've raised and reflect inwardly, he turns it around on you. He never takes the blame and you're always at fault.

A little space of your own every now and then is required if you find yourself in any such situation. You can also seek professional assistance. Just ask yourself... Is this love or insecurity? You are not responsible for anyone's insecurity. Just know that insecurity can be overcome only when a person recognizes they're insecure and consciously take steps to do something about it.

What are your thoughts? Don't forget to follow me on IG: @jessicahugoinspire and twitter: @jessyaijay.

Jessica Hugo.

Bio: Jessica Hugo is a writer and a published author, she's the founder of http://jessicahugoinspire.com , a blog centered on personal development. 

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"WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE HIM?" Domestic Violence in the Black Community

Why Don't You Just Leave Him?

I used to ask this question all the time.  I would be home in the safety and comfort of my living room or bedroom watching a good ole Lifetime channel movie.  I know you've seen at least one!  They're all just about the same.  A man meets a women, she falls head over heels for him.  She thinks he's her knight in shinning armor only to discover that he has this deep dark side.  He's controlling, he's manipulative, he's mean and he's abusive.  

At the first signs of abuse I'm yelling at the T.V. like "why won't you just leaveeeeee????"  After the first punch I'm throwing shows like yelling at her like, "girl, you stupid. "  I used to get so frustrated.  By the end of the movie I'm crying thanking God she made it out but I never really understood why do women stay in abusive relationships.  

I never understood until I was in one myself.  The funny thing is, it took me awhile to even realize, I was one of those Lifetime movie women.  I was the one making excuses.  I was the one hiding bruises and scars.  I was lying to friends and family.  I was covering for him and pretending everything was good when behind closed doors there was a war going on and I was losing.

Domestic Violence also known as Intimate Partner Violence is affecting many women of color.  Intimate Partner violence is defined as "physical violence, sexual violence, stalking and psychological aggression (including coercive acts) by a current or former intimate partner.

Many women equate domestic violence or intimate partner violence to just physical abuse but it goes much much deeper than this.  Often times the abuse starts earlier with verbal insults and intimidation.  Your self-esteem and self-worth is attacked daily.  "You'll never be anything without me"  "Nobody will ever want to be with you" "I'm the only one who will ever really love you"  Sound familiar?

A lot of women are not aware of financial abuse.  In my opinion financial is one of the worst forms of abuse.  If you ask most abused women why they stayed so long it generally boils down to money.  Where will they go?  How will they survive?  And what about the kids?

Men who abuse know this so they look to control women with money.  In most cases they are the controllers of the bank accounts, bank statements, debit cards.  They are also usually the main financial supporters--meaning they bring in the big bucks.  Women in these situations usually have to ask or beg or account for every dime that they spend.  

A lot of women are in abusive relationships but never have bruises.  They are abused in

many ways psychologically.  They feel trapped and abandoned.  Abusers are great manipulators.  They will have your family fooled.  Everyone loves him or her.  They can do no wrong.  If ever you try to mention something you are usually shushed or not believed.

Many women cover for their abusers.  They wear make-up, they tell lies, they stop hanging out with friends, and they avoid family--all because they don't want anyone to know they are being abused.  They don't want anyone to know because they don't want to make things worse.  They feel like they cannot change the situation so they adapt.  They normalize the abuse.  This is very dangerous.

Physical and verbal abuse is very normal in the Black community.  Women are often called bitches, and hoes on an every day basis.  We hear this is music and we see it on TV.  So many young girls are raised hearing their mothers, aunts, sisters, cousins and other females being called out of their name daily.  It's so normal that we are not shocked.  We sometimes call each other by the same names.

Seeing other women being abused is the norm in some environments and communities as well.  It's so normal that women that are in relationships with men that don't abuse them will pick fights or leave the healthy relationship for an abusive one.  It's sad but it is the TRUTH.  I've held so many conversations with women over the course of my adult life where they are abused regularly and yet they continue to stay with their abusers.  

Most women know that it is wrong.  Most women want to leave.  They want better but they just don't know how to escape the cycle of abuse.  The cycle of abuse goes like this: first, there's the "tension-building phase" and this is different for many people.  This is the build up phase--bills are piling up, loved ones have to come and stay with you, the car breaks down, someone loses a job or becomes ill, children presents problems anything that basically causes strain on the relationship.  

The "tension-building" phase leads to the "Crisis Phase" where the violence breaks out in the form of verbal or physical abuse.  "During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate their partner (survivor) with the use of domestic violence."

The final phase is the "Calm or Honeymoon" phase in which the abuser will try to reconcile with the abused.  They will offer gifts, apologize, agree to go to counseling, say they will change, agree to go to church.  And yes, they are convincing and they will sometimes make steps towards this but then something will happen and the cycle will repeat itself all over again. 

One thing I want to include in this calm and honeymoon phase is that sometimes the abuser will do nothing.  They will totally ignore what has happened or how they threatened or blew up at the kids or ran off for days.  They will just carry on with life without an apology or recognition of their wrong.  This is not okay!  

Being in an abusive relationship is something that should be taken seriously at all times.  It should never be viewed lightly.  There are so many aspects of abuse to consider.  We don't know why people chose to abuse others, maybe they were abused maybe they have mental issues or anger issues.  It doesn't matter.  Get out of it.  Please don't make excuses for that person.  There are so many horror stories and tragedies that happen all around us every day but we have normalized this behavior.  

Statistics show that Black women are "two and a half more likely to be murdered by men than their White counterparts.  Black women also experience significantly higher rates of psychological abuse--including humiliation, insults, name-calling, and coercive control--than do women overall."

If you are currently in an abusive relationship please seek help.  I know that it may feel like there is no way out but there is.  It does not matter if you are financially able to take care of yourself because there are agencies and advocates trained to help you navigate through this time and help you get on your feet.  Please take action.  Your life is too precious and you are too valuable to live a life full of fear.

Here are a few articles and numbers that may help:

1. Financial Abuse: 6 Signs and What You Can Do About It

2. Violence Against Black Women: Many Types Far-reaching Affects

3. Intimate Partner Violence-Definitions

4. Cycle of Abuse

5. The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Untitled Poem by guest poet Chiquita Hyche

I love you but I hate you

Sounds real cliché but it’s true

I try to stay away from you but it’s

Something about you that’s drawing me closer

We on two different pages but I’m trying to slow

Down so you can catch up

But time keeps passing

And I keep wondering

Will I ever have you…

Will I ever have those things that I wish for in you

It’s like I’m trying to make something a reality but its remaining a dream

I know you got your heart broke

Once and you keep trying to rewind time and go back

But I want you to move on

I want you to know that it’s more in life than heartbreak n unhappiness

I’m trying to give you something I never had

But I’m getting pushed away

I’ve given up on so much but

I won’t give up on you

I love you because I see the good in you

I see you trying

I see you being the perfect guy but you’re scared

I have so much high hopes for you

You deserve better but you stuck

I see you being the man you want to be

But do you see it

I love you but I hate you

I hate you because you me in a place where I don’t know what’s next

I don’t know if I should continue to love you

Or give up on you

I’m confused because the words you say suppress my feelings but your actions

Tend to hurt them

I hate you because I feel like you leading me on

N I’m continuing to follow

I hate you because I fell in love with you

I wasn’t trying to but it happened

So it’s me who gotta deal with it

Whatever comes next I’m willing to deal with it

I love you

But I hate you

I just hope at that end

It don’t hurt so much

Chiquita Hyche is a dear friend, poet,
and nail tech.
Follow her:
@chiquita

FORGIVE ME--by guest poet Tonisha N.

Locked windows

Closed doors

Painful thorns poking at my flesh

Who knew that a rose could thrive in the cold

Night skies

Reminiscing on the good times

Life laughs

Life dies

Life has so many unknown whys

Cries

Tears filling up my soul

But failing to fall out of my eyes

I can’t cry

It’s as if the devil himself is begging me to take this joyride

Through gratification

And wicked sins

To bring out the pain that I feel within

No one told me that it would easy

But they did say it would be worth it

Now I’m trying to figure out why the fuck this shit ain’t perfect

And where did I go wrong because shit hasn’t been right in long

Now I’m sitting here pretending

Talking others out of suicide while I’m the one needing the intervention

Ain’t that shit wicked

You’re saving them while your foot is on the ledge

With your heart beating fast

And your soul in cast

You’re battling demons that no one can seem to grasp

Lurking in the shadows

For you to give your last

And snatch you away fast

So I wait

And I listen

Hoping they’ll give me the answers to what it is that I’m feeling

Maybe I’m dreaming

But I see no reason in living

And maybe ending it all would make shit much simpler

Just forgive me when my eyes close and my light fades away

Your darkness will turn to day

So forgive me

But I couldn’t stay. . .