The other day I was an emotional wreck. I was so frustrated by a conversation that I had with someone very close to me. I hung up the phone in a completely different mood than when I first answered it. Don't you just hate it when that happens? Don't you just hate it when you finally wake up on the "right" side of the bed and you're feeling good and actually getting something done only to have it ruined by a phone call.
I'll be honest, some days the phone rings and I look at my caller ID and continue to let it ring. I only do it when I know the person calling is calling with a bunch of negative energy--ready to unleash it on me. I have to prepare "mentally" and "emotionally" for those types of phone calls. I pray and put on the whole entire "armor of God."
Read: Love is Not Proud
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But this particular day I got tricked. I was feeling so good, without thinking I answered and before I knew it I was sucked into a conversation I hadn't planned or prepared for. I started the conversation comfortably in my chair but by the end of it I was on my feet pacing the room, adrenaline rushing and heart racing. My voice was scratchy and horsed from being raised.
I hung up the phone and plopped back down in my chair exhausted and feeling like I had literally been in a physical fight. I had so much energy and anger and honestly I wasn't finished saying everything I wanted to say so I picked up the phone to dial a friend that I knew would listen and be understanding.
I almost couldn't wait to get my good friend on the phone. We all have that one friend that is willing and ready to listen to us pour out the latest gossip, frustration, anger or tears. I'm one of those friends. I will grab me a glass of wine, a snack and settle in like it's a movie!
As I was scrolling to find their number, mind racing with all of the things I planned to say I abruptly put my phone down. I didn't really want to do this because I knew where it would lead me. You see this was my cycle--my routine--I get upset I call someone to vent. I talk for hours saying all of the things I really wanted to say and planned on saying to the actual person but honestly it never got done--and I was tired of it.
READ: FAKE LOVE
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Stop venting and not correcting. Venting is a temporary fix. Sometimes venting causes more
problems then they solve. There's nothing wrong with venting to a close friend or confidant but we have to be very careful that we don't use it as a crutch to avoid dealing with the actual situation.
A venting moment is suppose to be just that--a moment! It's suppose to be an opportunity to give you a chance to calm down. Let out all of your emotional stuff--anger, sadness, tears--and give you the chance to talk it out and find a way to express your feelings to the actual person you have a problem with correctly.
Venting is not meant to be an excuse to talk about somebody behind their back but never address the actual issue with the actual person you've offended or are offended by! We form cliques, friendships, and unhealthy bonds and alliances with people out of frustrated moments.
Social psychologist Brad J. Bushman, who teaches at Ohio State University and has researched aggression and coping said that "Research clearly shows that venting increases rather than decreases stress... People say that venting feels good, but the good feeling doesn't last, and it only reinforces aggressive impulses."
So instead of calling someone to vent I decided to take a brisk walk. I used this time to think about the entire conversation, but instead of just focusing on my side and my thoughts and my feelings I made myself be objective and actually try to understand the other person's point of view. Let me just say this--it was not easy!
In the end I recognized where the other person did have some valid points. I waited another day just to be sure that I was completely calmed down and I called the person back. I apologized for raising my voice and not really listening and then I brought up the points they made that really did make sense but I was too upset to listen to. I also brought up the points they made that didn't make sense to me or that I was totally against and I finally got the chance to explain them and why. This made a big difference! I felt heard and so did the other person.
READ: "BLAME"
WATCH: "STOP TRYING TO PLEASE PEOPLE"
In the end, none of us was 100% right but our relationship is better because we talked it out and came to a compromise and now we have a better way of communicating. When I think about all of the relationships that have been ruined by the lack of communications I get a sick feeling in my stomach. It's happened too many times in my life and I'm really tired of it.
But I'm learning that difference of opinions doesn't have to be the reason for an argument, tension, and frustration if its addressed and worked through. I know that we all have moments where we are so frustrated and filled with emotions that we just gotta vent--and that's okay. It only becomes a problem when we use these moments to talk about someone behind their back without ever addressing the actual issue.
The next time you find yourself in a moment of frustration or whatever and you feel like you need to vent try this first:
1. Go for a brisk walk
2. Write about the situation in a journal
3. Pray or meditate
REFLECTION TIME: Now, once you've calmed down re-play the situation. DON'T do this if you're still angry. Do this only after you've calmed down. Actually think about the situation and think about what the other person said. Be honest with yourself and then really examine how you feel.
ADDRESS THE ISSUE: If the relationship is worth the time and effort call them back or agree to meet in person (in a public place if needed) and invite a mutual friend, someone who will stay objective and wants the best for both of you. Addressing the issue is the most important thing to do. Unresolved issues will often leave residue. Stress, anxiety and even panic attacks are a result of unresolved issues--they haunt you and eat up your time and mental space. Addressing the issue will lesson if not alleviate those symptoms.
I know that venting may seem like the most natural thing to do but it just may not be the best thing to do in every case. Also be careful who you vent to. Make sure that person is going to advise you to do the right thing and not stir up more trouble.
