"These Are My Confessions" (transparent moment)

Walking has become a big part of my daily routine. It gets me out in the fresh air, it helps me stay healthy and it gives me the opportunity to gather my thoughts. Some of my best ideas have come from having alone time and being able to clear my mind. Well, I decided to turn the camera on and just start talking and really expressing my true and honest thoughts. Be prepared...there are more to come!!

Nicki vs. Cardi | Why are y’all shocked???

Of course a lot of the talk and conversations regarding Cardi B and Nicki Minaj New York Fashion Week fight has died down but I found myself still thinking about some underlying similarities between these two women and myself. 

This past week every time I scrolled through my various social media platforms I found several posts regarding these two women.  The comments were deep and the conversations was heavy.  Some women were going in screaming I hate seeing Black women portrayed in this light.  While others were immersed in the drama screaming #teambardigang or #teambarbs, going hard for their favorite female rapper.

It seems as if Cardi B's gang can clearly see the sneaky barbs orchestrating cold and calculated moves to mess up her name and bag.  But the barbs feel as if Cardi hasn't paid her dues enough to even be in the same league as Nicki. 

I honestly could care less which side you fall on.  I don't necessarily have a side.  I enjoy some of both of their music however they don't represent my aesthetic. I share moments with their music that remind me of my past self  and the woman I look to hide from the world.

After reading and viewing some of the other first responders (blogs, news outlets, vlogs) and  scrolling through social media I feel like a lot of us has forgotten one very important thing.  And that is-- that these two women are human beings just like you and me.  Sometimes we are so busy judging others that we forget how we are exactly the same way. 

I will be honest and maybe even the first to admit this but sometimes it's hard to see your friend winning especially when you're not.  And, in most cases its not that you don't want to see them win.  No, it's not that.  It's just that seeing them win really shows you how much you're losing.  And that's okay too.  How you handle these particular set of feelings says a lot about who you are as a woman.

If you are a woman who responds to other women's success with jealousy, spitefulness, being vindictive and petty and picking her apart and pointing out every flaw--You have the problem, not her!

If you are a woman who responds to other women's success by not being able to acknowledge her success without pettiness and some way of making her look insignificant than--You are the problem not her.  Recognizing another woman's success does not take away from your own and I honestly feel like we forget that.  We shine the brightest when we shine together!

I really dislike it when people say things to me like, "Oh, yea I seen your lil blog!"  "Oh, I heard about your lil magazine" and "I see where you say you starting a little company"  Excuse You! I have decided that the next person that does this I will politely say thank you, but there's actually nothing (little) about anything that I do!  It's VERY big to me!

I think it's hard sometimes to be really good at something or very successful for a long time and then all of a sudden there's a new person.  A person whose younger, prettier, doing it just a little bit bigger, or getting a little bit more attention than you to come on the scene.  It's hard.  But it doesn't have to become something that is TOXIC.

When we harbor those feelings of jealousy, and resentment and we make moves that will ensure our success by taking down our rivals or competition we only hurt ourselves.  You will reap what you sew.  Whatever seeds of evil you plant for others will find its way sprouting up in your front or backyard.  And I say backyard because sometimes God don't allow everyone to see the Hell you secretly going through all because you've plotted against or talked against and down on someone. 

What if we all decided to just stay in our lanes and do the best with what we have and give it our best shot encouraging each other along the way.  I'm not saying we all have to work together side by side singing Kumbaya, my Lord.  No, but we can at least decide to respect one another.  Make a pact with ourselves and say I'm not going to speak ill of my sister, my friend, my co-worker, my church member or whoever we're working beside. 

These two women can decide that they don't ever wanna be on a track together.  There's nothing wrong with that.  It would be nice though but it would really have to be genuine because sometimes our best singers come together and they sound good and the video looks good but you can't really figure out why it's not as great as others and it really does have a lot to do with chemistry and how they vibe together.  If they are not getting along a lot of times you can easily tell, especially when you compare it to others where you can see the love.

Affirmations and Honesty part 2

Affirmations and Honesty!!! Part 1

Untitled Poem

My Rainbow

My rainbow begins and ends with blue.
But beneath my surface I can be green.
Green with envy of my other colors.
Like Yellow.
Sometimes I shine so bright.
But be careful because I burn.
I burn like a red fire.
It's hot in my soul.
My blues soothe others.
A reflection of my soul.
My rain comes with a bow.
It's a gift.

Finding the Strength to Seek Help: Reflections on My Journey with Depression

Finding the Strength to Seek Help

I've spent the past few days reflecting on the moments that led up to me getting help for depression.  I recently read a few articles on Michelle Williams (former Destiny's Child member) where she talked about dealing with depression herself.

She ended up checking herself into a clinic.  I thought that this was pretty amazing.  I also thought about how nice it must be to be able to do that.  I think a lot of us could use some time away from our environments--especially the toxic ones!   

I also admired her bravado. She openly expressed her situation with the world.  It's a lot of us out here scared and ashamed to tell our family, friends, and pastors that we are secretly dealing with depression and other mental health issues.  She chose to tell the entire world and I can't help but have respect for her.  That is NOT an easy thing to do!

But, reading about her situation triggered thoughts of my own and I won't lie--at first, I got really depressed!  I was sad and I just couldn't shake it for nothing!  The moments leading up to you wanting to get help are the hardest moments because you keep telling yourself that you can get through it.  You lie to yourself and say, "you're okay" and you lie to others as well.  

I recognize that I waited so long to get help because I didn't know I needed it.  I wasn't aware of how serious your mental health is.  Now that I know I really can't shut up about it.  Your mental health affects everything you do.  You can't really be in a healthy relationship with anyone (family, friends, spouse...etc.) with a mental illness--and not receive any help.  There will always be problems.

For the past two weeks I've talked about mental health and relationships.  I even discussed it with my son's father who also deals with mental health issues.  We both recognized that we could never really love each other until we loved ourselves enough to get help.   

CLICK HERE TO READ MENTAL HEALTH AND RELATIONSHIPS

It's really sad that many of us don't even get the help.  A lot of people we go to work with, sit right next to in schools, praise the Lord with at church on Sundays and even in our families are walking around ill--mentally.  And that's really sad to me.

What's good though is that you don't have to stay that way.  There's help.  There are options.  It may take some time digging into resources available, but you are WORTH the time and effort.  Your mental health is worth the time!  

START with a call to your insurance or doctor.  Make a call and see what services are available.  If you don't have insurance there are services available that are free, or they may make you sign up for free health insurance through Medicaid.

TALK to someone.  Talk to someone that is willing to listen and HELP.  Some people (especially black people) don't really believe in going to therapy or counseling for several reasons, but you can't worry about them or what they have to say.  Talk to someone you know will understand--even if they are not a person of color.  

SUPPORT.  Find support.  Build a team a network a tribe a fortress--whatever you wanna call it!  You are going to need a team of people.  For depressed people this seems like the worst thing ever, but it is very necessary.  And it may take some time because sometimes people want to help but they may not be able to.  You need people that love you--yes!  But you also need people that understand what you are going through.  They have to understand or be willing to learn and understand your mental illness.

CONTINUE.  When the doctor prescribes medication, they always advise you to take the full prescription.  Even when you think you're better keep following the instructions of your therapist, counselor, or spiritual adviser.  If you've been prescribed physical fitness such as running, swimming, tennis, art, prayer, medication or meditation...do it!  And don't stop.