The Strong Black Woman

I used to love Alicia Keys' song, "Superwoman".  There was a part of that song that goes like this:

"...even when I'm a mess

 I still put on a vest

 With an S on my chest

 Oh yes

 I'm a superwoman"

Hearing those words sung in Alicia's down to earth sultry voice made my chest swell and my head rise a little higher.  I agreed with Alicia that even when I'm a mess, I still manage to pull it together smile and make a way.

The problem was, things always seemed to be a mess and I was finding myself being Superwoman more than I got the chance to just be Candace.

Even Superman got the opportunity to just be Clark Kent every once in awhile.  The problem with being a super hero is the lack of appreciation of the great lengths you go to, to make sure that everything and everyone is okay.

The fact is Superman and Superwoman are ficticious characters.  They're not real and they don't exist.  We may feel like superwomen but we are not.

So what is being a Superwoman in the context that Alicia Keys sings about?  What are the qualifications?  The song seems to suggest that even though situations are not so great I can still pull it together some how and be great within myself.  That sounds so good.

But what happens when this becomes expected of you.  African American women have always been identified as strong and we've relished in that fact.  But somewhere along the line this strength became a requirement and expected of us.

I was watching a very popular show the other day called "Empire" the other night and I felt so bad for one of the main characters "Cookie".  Her character is played by Taraji P. Henson, a very good African American actress who is the mother of a few of the main characters on the show.  But one thing I realized about Cookie's character is that she continues to go through so much.  She is often complimented by her sons and sons father about being "strong".

I watched last nights episode and I felt so sorry for her.  Needless to say she had to endure a situation that shouldn't be asked of anyone for the sake of anything.  But of course she was expected to just "grin and bare it" to keep the family together.

I'm hoping to use this blog as a platform to express the serious needs for changes in the way we--African American woman look at ourselves and what we expect from ourselves.  If we don't change the way we treat ourselves and stand up for ourselves and say "this is too much" or "I don't want to put up with this" then we can never expect for our image to change.

It sounds good to hear someone say how strong you are and how great it is that you've persevered through so many challenges in your life, but it just isn't realistic that we can go on carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders.  Nor should we expect our daughters to grow up feeling like they have to bear the past in these present circumstances.

Candace

Be anxious for nothing!

HONEST MOMENT!

I was having a very serious conversation with a lady that has become a very important person in my life.  She's my spiritual counselor.  When I first learned that I was dealing with depression it was a little hard to accept.  Being an African American woman there wasn't much talk on the subject.  I'm actually trying to think about it now when had I ever had a legitimate conversation with another Black woman about Depression.  It seemed like something "other" people dealt with.  Not the women in my circle and definitely not me.

When I decided to move from my home town and get a fresh start I moved in with this lady who I never met.  We'd actually only talked over the phone a few times but I desperately needed help.  She took me and my boys in and counseled me almost daily for the few months that I lived with her.

Well even though I'm much better now occasionally we talk.  Our talks are usually right before I feel like I'm about to have a mini breakdown.  One of our last talks she said something to me that I haven't been able to let go of.

I was telling her how I knew I needed to have a conversation with someone but I'd been putting it off. She immediately stopped me and said that I needed to handle that situation as soon as possible because knowing this was created anxiety within me and giving me feelings of depression.

I honestly couldn't argue with anything she said.  I realized that this basically summed up my whole experience with depression.   I don't know when it became okay and acceptable for me to not be able to express my thoughts and feelings to people.  I don't know when I began to feel like my thoughts and feelings weren't worthy enough to heard.

I wish I could say that I immediately began to make changes.  I did at that time but of course there's always something! One thing I can say is this: I now realize that I am the source of my pain, but I have the power at any time to alleviate it.

I AM...A Strong Black Woman!

I am a strong black woman.
I don't want to be.
Don't believe the hype.
I need to be.
I have to be in order to survive in this world.
If I'm not I will be gobbled up and then  regurgitated, my remains a visual aid used as an example to others that will come after me.


I am a strong black woman.
I don't choose to be.
I don't want to be.
I have to be,

I don't claim the title with pride.
I don't shout it with arrogance.
I don't say it so you'll tremble with fear.
It's not a strike against the black man's manhood.

I wasn't strong until I had to be.
This is about survival.

They don't love me.
They don't love this strong black woman,
The men don't.
The sons don't.
The daughters don't.
The others won't.

Most days I don't.
I can't love pain. And my pain has produced strength.

Untitled Poem by Candace Smith

We us…all of us women.

 We make up one woman, with one voice.

 We are one. 

One shape.

  One color.

 Black. 

Our individual shades and curves make up one body. 

Just as the body has many curves and grooves with fades of shades of a pallet of brown.

We are different.

 We each serve a purpose.

 But we are one.

We have one plight. 

One cry.

 One voice. 

Are we heard. 

We are confused because we each say something different.

No one has to kill us because we kill ourselves.

 Our body (because we are one body) fight each other. 

The cells that were created to protect turn on each other and attack. 

We, if united would be very strong. 

But we are not.

Anger's Wrath

I woke up angry today!

But it wasn't an anger from today.

I planned my anger for today...yesterday.

I was so ready to be angry today that I prepared for it yesterday.

I thought about how I would feel tomorrow and I meditated on those feelings all night.

I simmered in my angry juices.

When I woke up this morning I forgot to notice all of the things I had to be thankful for because of that one thing that made me angry yesterday.

Unfortunately, the anger didn't come alone.

With it came sadness, a heaviness that weighted me down longer than I wanted, a gray cloud that hung over my head and fogged my vision preventing me from seeing, thinking and feeling clearly.

I wrote these words the other day when I realized that I'd wasted an entire day being angry about something.  It doesn't matter what it was or who caused it.  I'm only responsible for my thoughts and my actions.  

Anger is a natural emotion.  When something happens to me that I don't like I have the option of several emotions, one of them being: anger. This emotion however should not be a lasting one.  It is not an emotion worth holding on to for very long.  Happiness is an emotion worth investing in. Happiness should be planned out, purposeful, meditated on and fought for.  Not anger.  

I'm starting to realize that every emotion travels with a few companions.  Anger hangs out with sadness and a heaviness.  It's hard to be angry for an extended period of times because no one wants to be angry.  It is very easy to become angry but it takes great effort to remain in that state of mind.  

In order to do so you would have to constantly remind yourself over and over why you are angry. You have to relive the instance that brought about that emotion.  

I did this.  I purposefully re-played an image, a conversation and certain action in my mind over and over again and when I realized that I wasn't doing this I put energy and effort into making sure that every available moment I had be used visualizing this.

When I reflected back on my actions I was astonished by my own behavior.  I did not realized that  I was capable of doing this.  I truly feel that this is another piece of the puzzle.  This is just one of the contributing factors to my depression.  My own ability to allow myself to focus on a negative occurrence in my life for an extended period of time.  

Another thing I noticed was that even when something happened that made me feel a little better, such as seeing a funny meme on Facebook or watching commercial on T.V, or hearing a song that lightened my mood, I would not allow it to manifest itself.  I didn't want it to make me laugh or alter my angry mood.

I was determined to be angry.  

The one thing that this has taught me is that if I can be determined to be angry.  I can be determined to be happy.

I waited a few days before initially posting about this just so that I could do a little experiment.  I wanted to see if it happened again, (me getting angry) just to see if I could do things a little different.

Now when I say angry I don't just simply mean something like being cut off in traffic or getting your order wrong at a restaurant or something like that.  I mean when someone does something so infuriating that you think you will never forgive them, that's the type of anger I'm talking about.

I didn't know how long I would have to wait I just knew I would at least test this on a situation that upset me or made me mad.  But I did run into a situation that I was very angry and little more so hurt. 

Initially, I didn't even think about this.  I was so angry, of course the only thing I could think about was the offense.  But as time went on I realized that I was doing the same thing.  I kept re-living the situation causing me to keep getting more angry and for an extended period of time.

After days went by I was exhausted and ready to give up.  I was frustrated because of this on-going hopeless feeling I had but I knew I wasn't hopeless and neither was my situation.  It was in that moment that I decided to stop being angry and get back to living.  So I did.

I've decided that I will do my best to try and put this into practice each and every time because my happiness is so precious and it is worth the fight.  It is worth remembering the good things over the bad always.  I want to spend as much time being happy...NO MATTER WHAT!

Stay Positive!

"Finally brethern, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy meditate on these things."

-Philippians 4:8

I realize that some of my reader's may not be spiritual and even if you are you might not share in my faith but during my morning devotion time I ran across a familiar passage of scripture in the Bible which basically says, stay positive.  Focus on the good things in life.  I don't care how small it is, magnify it and hold on to it for dear life.

Honestly, sometimes this is all I have to get me through the day.  When I walk outside and feel the sun shining bright on my face I embrace it and take time to realize that I didn't have to be alive to have this moment.  When I'm scrolling through Facebook and run across a funny video or meme I laugh my best and loudest laugh.  I'll even think about it throughout the day just to keep laughing. And when it's no longer funny to me I smile at the fact that I just had a great laugh because just last year I couldn't find one reason to smile, laugh or be happy.

And even though I am no longer that Candace I realize that it doesn't take much to get back there so if I have just a glimmer of hope or something good to focus on I hold on to it for dear life.  Now, I don't want to be unrealistic and act like bad things and bad feelings don't surface because they do all the time everyday but I'm learning to spend less time meditating on those things and more time embracing the good ones.

The Fight Is Never Over--Video Blog Post!

The fight is never over!

Everyday the sun rises and my eyes flicker open there is a tiny feeling of dread that rushes over me. It's a new day.  This used to make me smile.  The thought of a new day brought hope.  For a brief moment every day the thought of a new day makes my stomach spin.  Why?  I honestly don't know and I wont pretend I do.  I wish I could go back to being hopeful and happy for no reason at all, but I'm realizing everyday that I don't get that opportunity to just go back.  I have to evolve.  I have to find a new happy and a new normal.  I have to accept things that have happened and the things that are happening now and find peace in that.

Appearances can sometimes be our worst enemy.  I've had so much practice pretending to be happy...you know smiling, laughing, responding to the words that come out of other people's mouths, but the moment I'm alone I feel exhausted and it's only then that I realize it was all a charade. It takes great effort to break a habit. You first of all have to realize that you have a bad habit.  Once you realize that you have a habit you then have to find the will to "want" to break that habit.  Just because you know something is bad for you doesn't mean that you immediately want to stop doing it. Sometimes you've done something for so long that you don't even realize when you're practicing a bad habit.

I was comfortable with hiding my hurt.  I didn't realize I did this until I was severly depressed.  Now that I know I do this I don't just magically do what's right and what's best. Everyday is a fight.  It's a fight to express when I'm really hurting.  It's a fight to not smile when I'm hurting.  It's a fight admit to someone that they've hurt my feelings or let me down in some way.  I still feel the need to let everyone think that I am stronger than what I truly am.

Exert from "Openly Broken"

“So, how are you feeling today?”  She calmly asked slowly enunciating each word.

My eyes immediately filled with tears.  I hate it when people ask me questions like that.  It made me realize that even on my happiest day there is always something wrong.  Some unspoken, unrealized sadness that sits in the corner of my mind that I have chosen (for that day) to not give my full attention to.  This at least allows me a temporary relief. 

I saw a post the other day on Facebook from one of my friends.  I have a lot of Facebook friends so no I don't know them all personally.  I usually just quickly scroll through and I honestly only really stop for funny meme's or videos or inspirational posts but as I was scrolling I stopped on one woman's post.

Her first words were: "I am not superwoman."  She stated her name and announced that she had been secretly dealing with depression.  She also stated that as of today she would be seeking help and asked humbly for prayers from her Facebook friends.

I sat and stared at her post for awhile.  I was comforted by it and I thought to myself: this is how it should be.  Why did it take a huge declaration to get someone to say that?  So many people I have come to realize at some point deal with depression.  Why are we not more forthcoming about this?

We don't care about announcing to anyone that hey I have the worst headache ever?  But we cant announce, not even to our closest friends and family if we're dealing with depression without feeling some kinda way about it.

Her first words echo in my head over and over " I am not superwoman."  I think that as black women we have to first realize this about ourselves and then slowly make everyone else see this as well. This whole "superwoman", "independent", "long as I got king Jesus" mentality has us often times exhausted, frustrated, unhappy, unhealthy and just plain out miserable.

We are often times portrayed in such extreme measures that it's almost nonhuman and definitely not realistic.  Black women are on one side of the coin: lazy, big-mouthed, overbearing, uneducated, oversexed, ghetto...and the list goes on and on.  But on the flip side we are said to be so strong, independent, nurturing, motherly, faithful...etc.  There's no middle ground and these words are so strong.  We are not allowed room to be vulnerable. We don't allow ourselves to freedom to be vulnerable and we definitely don't allow this from each other.  We are always expected to have it together, suck it up, look our best and so on.

This little blog doesn't do this subject justice which is why I am working on the second part to Openly Broken which will be more of a research project on the subject of depression and African American women and how it affects us mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well as how it effects us social in regards to our families and communities.

I'm looking for women that will come forward and be very open and honest on the subject and bring forth a fresh look.

This is a huge undertaking!  It's still in the planning and research stage.  I'm acquiring funding for this.  I'm hoping for a full year to devote to this project so hopefully it can be released by 2017.
My gofundme account will be up and running very soon and I've applied for some grants.  This is a very exciting and scary time in my life but I am definitly praying for the best.

I am looking for women and men to come forward and volunteer.  If you would like to be apart of my team or be interviewed and share your story you can email me openly.broken@gmail.com.  You can also donate to this movement by using my paypal @ phatabulous09@yahoo.com.

Donate button coming soon!  And don't forget to purchase your copy of Openly Broken for just $5.00.

Stay tuned for more information and future blog posts.

Candace

Tampa Florida "My Journey to Exodus" and "Openly Broken" Book Review! September 5th 2015

On Saturday September 5th 2015 I held my first book reading and review.  It's always gut-wrenching doing things for the first time.  It took a lot of time and planning and of course there were a few bumps in the road but such is life.  I enjoyed every second of it.

We started at exactly 5pm with a welcome by yours truly.  After that the Creator of The Exodus Project and "My Journey to Exodus: How my pain produced promise" Xaviera "Zay" Bell

took the front to talk about how she got started with the project, her reason for inviting others and the future. 

Next up was author Latoya Perry another Exodus Pioneer.  She was a little nervous (we all were) but she quickly warmed up and began to speak about her story and what it entails. 

I'm sorry but there will be no spoilers.  If you want to know more you will have to buy and then read your own copy! LOL!

Last but not least it was my turn.  I must admit I had been nervous the entire week leading up to the event.  It's something about knowing you have to stand in front of a crowd.  I felt butterflies every time I thought about it.  But you know what, when my time came the words just flowed.

After we all had spoken we enjoyed a great dance by one of my fellow church members at Kingdom Bible Christian Church.  This young lady is very talented and blessed by God.  The first time I saw her dance on Easter Sunday I was in tears.  I was very glad to run into her again a few Sunday's ago and very pleased she decided she would dance for this event.  She did an awesome job to Jessica Reedy's "Better". 

There is so much more to come.  Right now, an event is in the works for St. Petersburg, Fl. and Jacksonville, Fl. dates to be announced.  If you have any questions or would like me to come speak at your event please email me at openly.broken@gmail.com or if you would like to learn more about The Exodus Project you can reach Xaviera Zay Bell at exodus_project@outlook.com.  You can find links on this page to purchase your book.

A New Year's Revelation

The new year always brings new hope for me.  I know everyone is ranting and raving about not doing the whole "new year new me" thing.  But why not?  Why not make a dedication to do things differently and better? This is the perfect time to examine your life and look for ways to improve things in it.

This time last year was probably the first year that I did not feel hopeful.  I can't even remember what I did last New Year's that's how insignificant it was to me.  I had never experienced that before last year.  I wonder if going through depression had anything to do with that?

Depression rocked me to my very core.  It made me an entirely different person.  I was unrecognizable and I don't ever want to be that person again.  This is why I have made it my business to bring awareness to it.  Because I wasn't myself during this time it effected everyone around me including my kids.  They suffered too.  They didn't get the Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year's they deserved because of what I was going through.  I don't want that for them ever again.

I don't really have a New Year's Resolution but I have made some decisions.  I've decided to enjoy life no matter what!  I used to feel like I had to always have it together and everything had to be a certain way in order for me to be happy.  I am so happy that I don't feel this way anymore.  Things can be crazy in my life and it be okay.

This is more than a resolution its a revelation.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Upcoming Events & Announcements

Happy New Year!!! I am so excited about everything that is in store for Openly Broken for 2016.  Please stay tuned because there is so much more to come.  You can now view my video blog or vlog on YouTube.  Just type "Openly Broken" or you can go to Phatmag09.  You can also go to my Facebook page for all video's and other posts.

OPENLY BROKEN PROMO VIDEO