Exert from "Openly Broken"

“So, how are you feeling today?”  She calmly asked slowly enunciating each word.

My eyes immediately filled with tears.  I hate it when people ask me questions like that.  It made me realize that even on my happiest day there is always something wrong.  Some unspoken, unrealized sadness that sits in the corner of my mind that I have chosen (for that day) to not give my full attention to.  This at least allows me a temporary relief. 

I saw a post the other day on Facebook from one of my friends.  I have a lot of Facebook friends so no I don't know them all personally.  I usually just quickly scroll through and I honestly only really stop for funny meme's or videos or inspirational posts but as I was scrolling I stopped on one woman's post.

Her first words were: "I am not superwoman."  She stated her name and announced that she had been secretly dealing with depression.  She also stated that as of today she would be seeking help and asked humbly for prayers from her Facebook friends.

I sat and stared at her post for awhile.  I was comforted by it and I thought to myself: this is how it should be.  Why did it take a huge declaration to get someone to say that?  So many people I have come to realize at some point deal with depression.  Why are we not more forthcoming about this?

We don't care about announcing to anyone that hey I have the worst headache ever?  But we cant announce, not even to our closest friends and family if we're dealing with depression without feeling some kinda way about it.

Her first words echo in my head over and over " I am not superwoman."  I think that as black women we have to first realize this about ourselves and then slowly make everyone else see this as well. This whole "superwoman", "independent", "long as I got king Jesus" mentality has us often times exhausted, frustrated, unhappy, unhealthy and just plain out miserable.

We are often times portrayed in such extreme measures that it's almost nonhuman and definitely not realistic.  Black women are on one side of the coin: lazy, big-mouthed, overbearing, uneducated, oversexed, ghetto...and the list goes on and on.  But on the flip side we are said to be so strong, independent, nurturing, motherly, faithful...etc.  There's no middle ground and these words are so strong.  We are not allowed room to be vulnerable. We don't allow ourselves to freedom to be vulnerable and we definitely don't allow this from each other.  We are always expected to have it together, suck it up, look our best and so on.

This little blog doesn't do this subject justice which is why I am working on the second part to Openly Broken which will be more of a research project on the subject of depression and African American women and how it affects us mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well as how it effects us social in regards to our families and communities.

I'm looking for women that will come forward and be very open and honest on the subject and bring forth a fresh look.

This is a huge undertaking!  It's still in the planning and research stage.  I'm acquiring funding for this.  I'm hoping for a full year to devote to this project so hopefully it can be released by 2017.
My gofundme account will be up and running very soon and I've applied for some grants.  This is a very exciting and scary time in my life but I am definitly praying for the best.

I am looking for women and men to come forward and volunteer.  If you would like to be apart of my team or be interviewed and share your story you can email me openly.broken@gmail.com.  You can also donate to this movement by using my paypal @ phatabulous09@yahoo.com.

Donate button coming soon!  And don't forget to purchase your copy of Openly Broken for just $5.00.

Stay tuned for more information and future blog posts.

Candace

Tampa Florida "My Journey to Exodus" and "Openly Broken" Book Review! September 5th 2015

On Saturday September 5th 2015 I held my first book reading and review.  It's always gut-wrenching doing things for the first time.  It took a lot of time and planning and of course there were a few bumps in the road but such is life.  I enjoyed every second of it.

We started at exactly 5pm with a welcome by yours truly.  After that the Creator of The Exodus Project and "My Journey to Exodus: How my pain produced promise" Xaviera "Zay" Bell

took the front to talk about how she got started with the project, her reason for inviting others and the future. 

Next up was author Latoya Perry another Exodus Pioneer.  She was a little nervous (we all were) but she quickly warmed up and began to speak about her story and what it entails. 

I'm sorry but there will be no spoilers.  If you want to know more you will have to buy and then read your own copy! LOL!

Last but not least it was my turn.  I must admit I had been nervous the entire week leading up to the event.  It's something about knowing you have to stand in front of a crowd.  I felt butterflies every time I thought about it.  But you know what, when my time came the words just flowed.

After we all had spoken we enjoyed a great dance by one of my fellow church members at Kingdom Bible Christian Church.  This young lady is very talented and blessed by God.  The first time I saw her dance on Easter Sunday I was in tears.  I was very glad to run into her again a few Sunday's ago and very pleased she decided she would dance for this event.  She did an awesome job to Jessica Reedy's "Better". 

There is so much more to come.  Right now, an event is in the works for St. Petersburg, Fl. and Jacksonville, Fl. dates to be announced.  If you have any questions or would like me to come speak at your event please email me at openly.broken@gmail.com or if you would like to learn more about The Exodus Project you can reach Xaviera Zay Bell at exodus_project@outlook.com.  You can find links on this page to purchase your book.

A New Year's Revelation

The new year always brings new hope for me.  I know everyone is ranting and raving about not doing the whole "new year new me" thing.  But why not?  Why not make a dedication to do things differently and better? This is the perfect time to examine your life and look for ways to improve things in it.

This time last year was probably the first year that I did not feel hopeful.  I can't even remember what I did last New Year's that's how insignificant it was to me.  I had never experienced that before last year.  I wonder if going through depression had anything to do with that?

Depression rocked me to my very core.  It made me an entirely different person.  I was unrecognizable and I don't ever want to be that person again.  This is why I have made it my business to bring awareness to it.  Because I wasn't myself during this time it effected everyone around me including my kids.  They suffered too.  They didn't get the Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year's they deserved because of what I was going through.  I don't want that for them ever again.

I don't really have a New Year's Resolution but I have made some decisions.  I've decided to enjoy life no matter what!  I used to feel like I had to always have it together and everything had to be a certain way in order for me to be happy.  I am so happy that I don't feel this way anymore.  Things can be crazy in my life and it be okay.

This is more than a resolution its a revelation.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Upcoming Events & Announcements

Happy New Year!!! I am so excited about everything that is in store for Openly Broken for 2016.  Please stay tuned because there is so much more to come.  You can now view my video blog or vlog on YouTube.  Just type "Openly Broken" or you can go to Phatmag09.  You can also go to my Facebook page for all video's and other posts.

OPENLY BROKEN PROMO VIDEO

The Thin Line Between: Faith & Fear Part 1

Part 1

For so long my life has been an emotional roller-coaster for what I thought was a lot of different reasons.  But during this time in my life of self-examination I have come to discover that it has all boiled down to the fight in my life with my faith vs. my fear.

At times I realize my faith can be so high and at others my fear levels peak.  This has created a somewhat bi-polar type lifestyle and attitude that has left me drained and often times very confused.  One example that comes to mind are the times that I have gone to church and heard a great word of encouragement given by the pastor.  I leave church feeling so excited about life and ready to take on any and every challenge that may come my way.  But by mid-week I am like a totally different person.  I realize that like the body that can be on a sugar-high so can my mind and my spirit.  But like all sugar highs you can and will come crashing down.  It is only with a well-balanced and nutritious  diet that you avoid these highs and lows.  

So how do I avoid these highs and lows of experiencing extreme fear and faith?  I can honestly say that I am still in search of this answer, but lately I've noticed a difference in my life.  Even recognizing that I experience these highs and lows has somewhat helped.  It's impossible to fix a problem when you don't even recognize that you have one.  So, the first step in solving this problem has been in just recognizing that I have an issue.  

The next thing I noticed is the things that trigger the highs and the lows.  I noticed that there are certain things that happen in my life consistently that gives me a high feeling and that is "expectation".  For example when someone new walks into my life promising to be this or do that I am filled with so much hope for whatever they are promising I don't even allow myself to recognize that I could get disappointed.  So when I am disappointed the disappointment is so great I am extremely low.

So, how do I avoid this?  Well, I have come to recognize that NO ONE can be my "all" or fulfill my "all" in my life.  Recognizing this or the fact that they are human and can disappoint me helps me not to be so disappointed if they do let me down.

The one thing I never want to do is lose hope. I love being and feeling hopeful.  I cannot imagine life without hope.  But I have noticed that life and certain disappointments has a way of sucking the hope right out of you.  I'm trying to find a balance these days between remaining hopeful and being cautious.  

I want to keep my faith and I don't want to allow fear to stop me from doing this.

Putting On

I thought that this picture would be a cool way to illustrate my point very well.

I think we all have those days where we don't feel our best physically and mentally and we find ourselves "putting on" a smile when we want to frown and laughing when we want to cry. The difference is when this becomes a habit.  When we find ourselves doing this everyday.  When
"putting on" becomes the norm.

I think for me I found myself doing this so much and with so many people until I really couldn't tell who was who.  Who was the real me?

The sad part is, is that it got to where I didn't even know when I was doing it.  Sometimes I actually felt like I was being myself but I really wasn't.  I lost track of my true feelings.

There were moments when I felt okay enough to share a little bit of my true self but the truth was so far beyond my own recognition.  I couldn't even recognize that I was depressed or that something was wrong.  Putting on and then feeling sad because an every day thing.  It was my life.

What happens when WRONG=RIGHT?

Depression became the normal.  When I would come home I took that Candace off and felt exhausted.  In the morning when I put that Candace on I hated it.  I hated being "happy" and smiling because of how it made me feel afterwards, but sadly I didn't know why.  I just felt like this is what I had to do to get through the day.  This was what was expected of me.

How to show the real me?  The real me.  The real me was non-existent.  She had disappeared one day without my realizing it and was replaced with this false person.  This unrealistic person.

One thing for sure is that you cannot "put on" the same clothes and wear them day after day without some wear and tear showing up.  Eventually holes appear, stains, wrinkles, they even began to smell.  The holes eventually showed what I tried to cover.  The stains and wrinkles revealed my true self.  I began to not be able to hide the real Candace anymore and that created a problem.  So when I couldn't hide myself in public anymore I just never wanted to show my face.

Openly Broken

Exert

 "I realized that I’d had my whole life to practice how to smile when I wanted to cry, laugh when I wanted to scream and just cover up my true feelings.  I realized that the face I showed the world and even myself was a facade, an imitation of what I wished I was."