Stay Positive!

"Finally brethern, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy meditate on these things."

-Philippians 4:8

I realize that some of my reader's may not be spiritual and even if you are you might not share in my faith but during my morning devotion time I ran across a familiar passage of scripture in the Bible which basically says, stay positive.  Focus on the good things in life.  I don't care how small it is, magnify it and hold on to it for dear life.

Honestly, sometimes this is all I have to get me through the day.  When I walk outside and feel the sun shining bright on my face I embrace it and take time to realize that I didn't have to be alive to have this moment.  When I'm scrolling through Facebook and run across a funny video or meme I laugh my best and loudest laugh.  I'll even think about it throughout the day just to keep laughing. And when it's no longer funny to me I smile at the fact that I just had a great laugh because just last year I couldn't find one reason to smile, laugh or be happy.

And even though I am no longer that Candace I realize that it doesn't take much to get back there so if I have just a glimmer of hope or something good to focus on I hold on to it for dear life.  Now, I don't want to be unrealistic and act like bad things and bad feelings don't surface because they do all the time everyday but I'm learning to spend less time meditating on those things and more time embracing the good ones.

The Fight Is Never Over--Video Blog Post!

The fight is never over!

Everyday the sun rises and my eyes flicker open there is a tiny feeling of dread that rushes over me. It's a new day.  This used to make me smile.  The thought of a new day brought hope.  For a brief moment every day the thought of a new day makes my stomach spin.  Why?  I honestly don't know and I wont pretend I do.  I wish I could go back to being hopeful and happy for no reason at all, but I'm realizing everyday that I don't get that opportunity to just go back.  I have to evolve.  I have to find a new happy and a new normal.  I have to accept things that have happened and the things that are happening now and find peace in that.

Appearances can sometimes be our worst enemy.  I've had so much practice pretending to be happy...you know smiling, laughing, responding to the words that come out of other people's mouths, but the moment I'm alone I feel exhausted and it's only then that I realize it was all a charade. It takes great effort to break a habit. You first of all have to realize that you have a bad habit.  Once you realize that you have a habit you then have to find the will to "want" to break that habit.  Just because you know something is bad for you doesn't mean that you immediately want to stop doing it. Sometimes you've done something for so long that you don't even realize when you're practicing a bad habit.

I was comfortable with hiding my hurt.  I didn't realize I did this until I was severly depressed.  Now that I know I do this I don't just magically do what's right and what's best. Everyday is a fight.  It's a fight to express when I'm really hurting.  It's a fight to not smile when I'm hurting.  It's a fight admit to someone that they've hurt my feelings or let me down in some way.  I still feel the need to let everyone think that I am stronger than what I truly am.

Exert from "Openly Broken"

“So, how are you feeling today?”  She calmly asked slowly enunciating each word.

My eyes immediately filled with tears.  I hate it when people ask me questions like that.  It made me realize that even on my happiest day there is always something wrong.  Some unspoken, unrealized sadness that sits in the corner of my mind that I have chosen (for that day) to not give my full attention to.  This at least allows me a temporary relief. 

I saw a post the other day on Facebook from one of my friends.  I have a lot of Facebook friends so no I don't know them all personally.  I usually just quickly scroll through and I honestly only really stop for funny meme's or videos or inspirational posts but as I was scrolling I stopped on one woman's post.

Her first words were: "I am not superwoman."  She stated her name and announced that she had been secretly dealing with depression.  She also stated that as of today she would be seeking help and asked humbly for prayers from her Facebook friends.

I sat and stared at her post for awhile.  I was comforted by it and I thought to myself: this is how it should be.  Why did it take a huge declaration to get someone to say that?  So many people I have come to realize at some point deal with depression.  Why are we not more forthcoming about this?

We don't care about announcing to anyone that hey I have the worst headache ever?  But we cant announce, not even to our closest friends and family if we're dealing with depression without feeling some kinda way about it.

Her first words echo in my head over and over " I am not superwoman."  I think that as black women we have to first realize this about ourselves and then slowly make everyone else see this as well. This whole "superwoman", "independent", "long as I got king Jesus" mentality has us often times exhausted, frustrated, unhappy, unhealthy and just plain out miserable.

We are often times portrayed in such extreme measures that it's almost nonhuman and definitely not realistic.  Black women are on one side of the coin: lazy, big-mouthed, overbearing, uneducated, oversexed, ghetto...and the list goes on and on.  But on the flip side we are said to be so strong, independent, nurturing, motherly, faithful...etc.  There's no middle ground and these words are so strong.  We are not allowed room to be vulnerable. We don't allow ourselves to freedom to be vulnerable and we definitely don't allow this from each other.  We are always expected to have it together, suck it up, look our best and so on.

This little blog doesn't do this subject justice which is why I am working on the second part to Openly Broken which will be more of a research project on the subject of depression and African American women and how it affects us mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well as how it effects us social in regards to our families and communities.

I'm looking for women that will come forward and be very open and honest on the subject and bring forth a fresh look.

This is a huge undertaking!  It's still in the planning and research stage.  I'm acquiring funding for this.  I'm hoping for a full year to devote to this project so hopefully it can be released by 2017.
My gofundme account will be up and running very soon and I've applied for some grants.  This is a very exciting and scary time in my life but I am definitly praying for the best.

I am looking for women and men to come forward and volunteer.  If you would like to be apart of my team or be interviewed and share your story you can email me openly.broken@gmail.com.  You can also donate to this movement by using my paypal @ phatabulous09@yahoo.com.

Donate button coming soon!  And don't forget to purchase your copy of Openly Broken for just $5.00.

Stay tuned for more information and future blog posts.

Candace

Tampa Florida "My Journey to Exodus" and "Openly Broken" Book Review! September 5th 2015

On Saturday September 5th 2015 I held my first book reading and review.  It's always gut-wrenching doing things for the first time.  It took a lot of time and planning and of course there were a few bumps in the road but such is life.  I enjoyed every second of it.

We started at exactly 5pm with a welcome by yours truly.  After that the Creator of The Exodus Project and "My Journey to Exodus: How my pain produced promise" Xaviera "Zay" Bell

took the front to talk about how she got started with the project, her reason for inviting others and the future. 

Next up was author Latoya Perry another Exodus Pioneer.  She was a little nervous (we all were) but she quickly warmed up and began to speak about her story and what it entails. 

I'm sorry but there will be no spoilers.  If you want to know more you will have to buy and then read your own copy! LOL!

Last but not least it was my turn.  I must admit I had been nervous the entire week leading up to the event.  It's something about knowing you have to stand in front of a crowd.  I felt butterflies every time I thought about it.  But you know what, when my time came the words just flowed.

After we all had spoken we enjoyed a great dance by one of my fellow church members at Kingdom Bible Christian Church.  This young lady is very talented and blessed by God.  The first time I saw her dance on Easter Sunday I was in tears.  I was very glad to run into her again a few Sunday's ago and very pleased she decided she would dance for this event.  She did an awesome job to Jessica Reedy's "Better". 

There is so much more to come.  Right now, an event is in the works for St. Petersburg, Fl. and Jacksonville, Fl. dates to be announced.  If you have any questions or would like me to come speak at your event please email me at openly.broken@gmail.com or if you would like to learn more about The Exodus Project you can reach Xaviera Zay Bell at exodus_project@outlook.com.  You can find links on this page to purchase your book.

A New Year's Revelation

The new year always brings new hope for me.  I know everyone is ranting and raving about not doing the whole "new year new me" thing.  But why not?  Why not make a dedication to do things differently and better? This is the perfect time to examine your life and look for ways to improve things in it.

This time last year was probably the first year that I did not feel hopeful.  I can't even remember what I did last New Year's that's how insignificant it was to me.  I had never experienced that before last year.  I wonder if going through depression had anything to do with that?

Depression rocked me to my very core.  It made me an entirely different person.  I was unrecognizable and I don't ever want to be that person again.  This is why I have made it my business to bring awareness to it.  Because I wasn't myself during this time it effected everyone around me including my kids.  They suffered too.  They didn't get the Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year's they deserved because of what I was going through.  I don't want that for them ever again.

I don't really have a New Year's Resolution but I have made some decisions.  I've decided to enjoy life no matter what!  I used to feel like I had to always have it together and everything had to be a certain way in order for me to be happy.  I am so happy that I don't feel this way anymore.  Things can be crazy in my life and it be okay.

This is more than a resolution its a revelation.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Upcoming Events & Announcements

Happy New Year!!! I am so excited about everything that is in store for Openly Broken for 2016.  Please stay tuned because there is so much more to come.  You can now view my video blog or vlog on YouTube.  Just type "Openly Broken" or you can go to Phatmag09.  You can also go to my Facebook page for all video's and other posts.

OPENLY BROKEN PROMO VIDEO