The Strong Black Woman

I used to love Alicia Keys' song, "Superwoman".  There was a part of that song that goes like this:

"...even when I'm a mess

 I still put on a vest

 With an S on my chest

 Oh yes

 I'm a superwoman"

Hearing those words sung in Alicia's down to earth sultry voice made my chest swell and my head rise a little higher.  I agreed with Alicia that even when I'm a mess, I still manage to pull it together smile and make a way.

The problem was, things always seemed to be a mess and I was finding myself being Superwoman more than I got the chance to just be Candace.

Even Superman got the opportunity to just be Clark Kent every once in awhile.  The problem with being a super hero is the lack of appreciation of the great lengths you go to, to make sure that everything and everyone is okay.

The fact is Superman and Superwoman are ficticious characters.  They're not real and they don't exist.  We may feel like superwomen but we are not.

So what is being a Superwoman in the context that Alicia Keys sings about?  What are the qualifications?  The song seems to suggest that even though situations are not so great I can still pull it together some how and be great within myself.  That sounds so good.

But what happens when this becomes expected of you.  African American women have always been identified as strong and we've relished in that fact.  But somewhere along the line this strength became a requirement and expected of us.

I was watching a very popular show the other day called "Empire" the other night and I felt so bad for one of the main characters "Cookie".  Her character is played by Taraji P. Henson, a very good African American actress who is the mother of a few of the main characters on the show.  But one thing I realized about Cookie's character is that she continues to go through so much.  She is often complimented by her sons and sons father about being "strong".

I watched last nights episode and I felt so sorry for her.  Needless to say she had to endure a situation that shouldn't be asked of anyone for the sake of anything.  But of course she was expected to just "grin and bare it" to keep the family together.

I'm hoping to use this blog as a platform to express the serious needs for changes in the way we--African American woman look at ourselves and what we expect from ourselves.  If we don't change the way we treat ourselves and stand up for ourselves and say "this is too much" or "I don't want to put up with this" then we can never expect for our image to change.

It sounds good to hear someone say how strong you are and how great it is that you've persevered through so many challenges in your life, but it just isn't realistic that we can go on carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders.  Nor should we expect our daughters to grow up feeling like they have to bear the past in these present circumstances.

Candace

Be anxious for nothing!

HONEST MOMENT!

I was having a very serious conversation with a lady that has become a very important person in my life.  She's my spiritual counselor.  When I first learned that I was dealing with depression it was a little hard to accept.  Being an African American woman there wasn't much talk on the subject.  I'm actually trying to think about it now when had I ever had a legitimate conversation with another Black woman about Depression.  It seemed like something "other" people dealt with.  Not the women in my circle and definitely not me.

When I decided to move from my home town and get a fresh start I moved in with this lady who I never met.  We'd actually only talked over the phone a few times but I desperately needed help.  She took me and my boys in and counseled me almost daily for the few months that I lived with her.

Well even though I'm much better now occasionally we talk.  Our talks are usually right before I feel like I'm about to have a mini breakdown.  One of our last talks she said something to me that I haven't been able to let go of.

I was telling her how I knew I needed to have a conversation with someone but I'd been putting it off. She immediately stopped me and said that I needed to handle that situation as soon as possible because knowing this was created anxiety within me and giving me feelings of depression.

I honestly couldn't argue with anything she said.  I realized that this basically summed up my whole experience with depression.   I don't know when it became okay and acceptable for me to not be able to express my thoughts and feelings to people.  I don't know when I began to feel like my thoughts and feelings weren't worthy enough to heard.

I wish I could say that I immediately began to make changes.  I did at that time but of course there's always something! One thing I can say is this: I now realize that I am the source of my pain, but I have the power at any time to alleviate it.

I AM...A Strong Black Woman!

I am a strong black woman.
I don't want to be.
Don't believe the hype.
I need to be.
I have to be in order to survive in this world.
If I'm not I will be gobbled up and then  regurgitated, my remains a visual aid used as an example to others that will come after me.


I am a strong black woman.
I don't choose to be.
I don't want to be.
I have to be,

I don't claim the title with pride.
I don't shout it with arrogance.
I don't say it so you'll tremble with fear.
It's not a strike against the black man's manhood.

I wasn't strong until I had to be.
This is about survival.

They don't love me.
They don't love this strong black woman,
The men don't.
The sons don't.
The daughters don't.
The others won't.

Most days I don't.
I can't love pain. And my pain has produced strength.

Untitled Poem by Candace Smith

We us…all of us women.

 We make up one woman, with one voice.

 We are one. 

One shape.

  One color.

 Black. 

Our individual shades and curves make up one body. 

Just as the body has many curves and grooves with fades of shades of a pallet of brown.

We are different.

 We each serve a purpose.

 But we are one.

We have one plight. 

One cry.

 One voice. 

Are we heard. 

We are confused because we each say something different.

No one has to kill us because we kill ourselves.

 Our body (because we are one body) fight each other. 

The cells that were created to protect turn on each other and attack. 

We, if united would be very strong. 

But we are not.

Anger's Wrath

I woke up angry today!

But it wasn't an anger from today.

I planned my anger for today...yesterday.

I was so ready to be angry today that I prepared for it yesterday.

I thought about how I would feel tomorrow and I meditated on those feelings all night.

I simmered in my angry juices.

When I woke up this morning I forgot to notice all of the things I had to be thankful for because of that one thing that made me angry yesterday.

Unfortunately, the anger didn't come alone.

With it came sadness, a heaviness that weighted me down longer than I wanted, a gray cloud that hung over my head and fogged my vision preventing me from seeing, thinking and feeling clearly.

I wrote these words the other day when I realized that I'd wasted an entire day being angry about something.  It doesn't matter what it was or who caused it.  I'm only responsible for my thoughts and my actions.  

Anger is a natural emotion.  When something happens to me that I don't like I have the option of several emotions, one of them being: anger. This emotion however should not be a lasting one.  It is not an emotion worth holding on to for very long.  Happiness is an emotion worth investing in. Happiness should be planned out, purposeful, meditated on and fought for.  Not anger.  

I'm starting to realize that every emotion travels with a few companions.  Anger hangs out with sadness and a heaviness.  It's hard to be angry for an extended period of times because no one wants to be angry.  It is very easy to become angry but it takes great effort to remain in that state of mind.  

In order to do so you would have to constantly remind yourself over and over why you are angry. You have to relive the instance that brought about that emotion.  

I did this.  I purposefully re-played an image, a conversation and certain action in my mind over and over again and when I realized that I wasn't doing this I put energy and effort into making sure that every available moment I had be used visualizing this.

When I reflected back on my actions I was astonished by my own behavior.  I did not realized that  I was capable of doing this.  I truly feel that this is another piece of the puzzle.  This is just one of the contributing factors to my depression.  My own ability to allow myself to focus on a negative occurrence in my life for an extended period of time.  

Another thing I noticed was that even when something happened that made me feel a little better, such as seeing a funny meme on Facebook or watching commercial on T.V, or hearing a song that lightened my mood, I would not allow it to manifest itself.  I didn't want it to make me laugh or alter my angry mood.

I was determined to be angry.  

The one thing that this has taught me is that if I can be determined to be angry.  I can be determined to be happy.

I waited a few days before initially posting about this just so that I could do a little experiment.  I wanted to see if it happened again, (me getting angry) just to see if I could do things a little different.

Now when I say angry I don't just simply mean something like being cut off in traffic or getting your order wrong at a restaurant or something like that.  I mean when someone does something so infuriating that you think you will never forgive them, that's the type of anger I'm talking about.

I didn't know how long I would have to wait I just knew I would at least test this on a situation that upset me or made me mad.  But I did run into a situation that I was very angry and little more so hurt. 

Initially, I didn't even think about this.  I was so angry, of course the only thing I could think about was the offense.  But as time went on I realized that I was doing the same thing.  I kept re-living the situation causing me to keep getting more angry and for an extended period of time.

After days went by I was exhausted and ready to give up.  I was frustrated because of this on-going hopeless feeling I had but I knew I wasn't hopeless and neither was my situation.  It was in that moment that I decided to stop being angry and get back to living.  So I did.

I've decided that I will do my best to try and put this into practice each and every time because my happiness is so precious and it is worth the fight.  It is worth remembering the good things over the bad always.  I want to spend as much time being happy...NO MATTER WHAT!

Stay Positive!

"Finally brethern, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy meditate on these things."

-Philippians 4:8

I realize that some of my reader's may not be spiritual and even if you are you might not share in my faith but during my morning devotion time I ran across a familiar passage of scripture in the Bible which basically says, stay positive.  Focus on the good things in life.  I don't care how small it is, magnify it and hold on to it for dear life.

Honestly, sometimes this is all I have to get me through the day.  When I walk outside and feel the sun shining bright on my face I embrace it and take time to realize that I didn't have to be alive to have this moment.  When I'm scrolling through Facebook and run across a funny video or meme I laugh my best and loudest laugh.  I'll even think about it throughout the day just to keep laughing. And when it's no longer funny to me I smile at the fact that I just had a great laugh because just last year I couldn't find one reason to smile, laugh or be happy.

And even though I am no longer that Candace I realize that it doesn't take much to get back there so if I have just a glimmer of hope or something good to focus on I hold on to it for dear life.  Now, I don't want to be unrealistic and act like bad things and bad feelings don't surface because they do all the time everyday but I'm learning to spend less time meditating on those things and more time embracing the good ones.

The Fight Is Never Over--Video Blog Post!