Openly Broken: December 2017

Rejection- Why are we so angry?

Let’s face it as Black people we deal with a lot of rejection. It’s no secret, and unless you’ve been living under a rock it is very hard not to hear about or experience race related issues in some form living in America. And if you live in the South like I do you’ve probably experienced racism on a more direct level and definitely more than once or twice. Sometimes I truly feel rejected by my own country. It’s crazy!

Many African Americans have grown up in one parent households—it’s unfortunate that this is kinda becoming the norm. Many children grow into young men and women that have feelings of rejection that stem from the rejection from the parent that did not stick around. They may blame themselves and have feelings of worthlessness. I can count on my fingers and toes the number of women who grow up with a very strong feeling of rejection because their father was not in their life and they take it personally.

Many people underestimate the power of rejection. Although it is a natural part of life-rejection can have serious effects. “The word rejection became popular in psychology in 1931, when parental rejection was seen as a motivation of bad behavior in children.” A 2001 study by the Surgeon General showed that rejection among adolescent promoted violence more so than drugs, poverty, or gang membership.

Among adults rejection can often lead to dysfunctional relationships, abandonment issues, trust issues, as well as violence, suicide, depression and other mental illness. “Countless studies have demonstrated that even mild rejections lead people to take out their aggression on innocent bystanders. School shootings, violence against women, and fired workers going ‘postal’ are other examples of the strong link between rejection and aggression.”

Although there are people who turn their feelings of rejection in to outward expressions there are many others who turn inward. Often time’s people who have difficulty dealing with rejection will become fixated on pleasing others. They spend countless hours trying to figure out how they receive admiration and praises from others. This can be very exhausting and will cause a person to have an identity crisis. They will mold and mend themselves to fit what others want and expect them to be. “Often this becomes such a dominating goal that they forget what they actually wanted from their own lives. They are too busy making sure other people isn’t displeased with them.”

Many people who deal with the effects of constant rejection will eventually just give up and stop trying. Any indication of failure is often perceived as too painful. Rejection can seem so scary that even “bright, capable people will become slackers and do absolutely nothing with their lives because making any effort is so anxiety-provoking.”

Effects of Rejection

Intrusive, debilitating anxiety.
Chronic feelings of insecurity.
Chronic depression
Decreased self-esteen.
Feelings of loss of control over life
Self-depreciation.
Isolation
Obsessive thinking and intrusive thoughts about the abandonment.

Romantic rejection can lead to fault-finding, belittling of oneself, relationship-sabotage or its counterpart—clinging to a dysfunctional relationship. However, blaming and attacking your own self-worth “only deepens the emotional pain and makes it harder to recover emotionally.”

Because we are social animals and live and thrive in “tribes” feelings of rejection can often lead to isolation and dysfunction. “Social rejection increases anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy and sadness.” People who are routinely rejected or feel excluded can have physical effects as well. They may experience “poorer sleep quality and their immune systems don’t function as well as those people with strong social connections.”

Rejection can have the same effects as physical pain. A study conducted showed that people who experience rejection could take Tylenol (a pain reliever) and feel better. “Studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. This is why rejections hurts so much (neurologically speaking).”

We can re-live and re-experience social pain more vividly than we can physical pain. If you’ve ever had a broken bone—try reliving that pain. You may be able to remember it but you can’t actually feel it. Now try recalling a time when you felt extremely rejected—those thoughts could re trigger the hurt, anger and pain that you felt.

In some cases rejection can be treated. Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is an extreme emotional sensitivity and emotional pain triggered by the perception – not necessarily the reality – that a person has been rejected, teased, or criticized by important people in their life. RSD may also be triggered by a sense of failure, or falling short – failing to meet either their own high standards or others’ expectations.

So what can you do to fight feelings of rejection?

Look for positive connections—this could come from family, friends, co-workers, church members, sororities or other social groups. “Positive social interactions release opiods for a natural mood boost.” Sometimes it can be very easy to get caught up in wanting to be involved in a certain social circle and when that doesn’t happen it can be very easy to feel rejection and alone. But then, what about the people that we often overlook. Nurture those relationships.
Exercise- (insert eye roll) I know…I know. Is exercise the magical answer to everything? Uhm, possibly.

Exercise helps prevent and improve a number of health problems, including high blood pressure, diabetes and arthritis. Research on depression, anxiety and exercise shows that the psychological and physical benefits of exercise can also help improve mood and reduce anxiety.

References:

Rejection sets off alarms for folks with low self-Esteem.”Association for Psychological Science, www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/rejection-sets-off-alarms-for-folks-with-low-self-esteem.html.

Monitor on Psychology, American Psychological Association, www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection.aspx.

“How ADHD Ignites Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.”ADDitude, 14 Dec. 2017, www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-how-to-treat-it-alongside-adhd/.

“Rejection - Dictionary Definition.”Vocabulary.com, www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/rejection.

“Rejection sets off alarms for folks with low self-Esteem.”Association for Psychological Science, www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/rejection-sets-off-alarms-for-folks-with-low-self-esteem.html.