On Depression

On DEPRESSIOIN…

It’s a force to be reckoned with.  It is always around me.  It’s an energy that I feel like a warm blanket.  It’s never not there even when a smile is on my face.  It lingers.  I don’t always know what it is but I always know it’s there.  It’s a voice so loud that it’s silent.  A deafening noise that screams every hurtful and mean thought I’ve ever had over and over louder and louder until that’s all I hear.  And on the rare occasion that I get a chance to hear something nice, or sweet or positive it’s Spanish.  It’s foreign.  It’s unbelievable.  It’s new. It’s fresh.  It’s a vacation.  But vacations don’t last.  That’s why they’re called vacations.  It’s a break from the norm.  That’s what positivity is to me.  It’s a vacation.  It’s not real life.  Real life is cold, tiresome, hard, frustrating.  It’s mostly losses instead of wins, its more tears and a lot less smiles.  It’s more anger.  It’s a lot of phoniness and exhausting pretending. 

That’s why I wanna sleep all day.  To dream about what life should be like.  To remember the days when I wasn’t so tired and I didn’t need a jump from some other positive energy source.  I was my own positive energy source.  I had so much positive energy I could jump start anybody.  Your battery could have been dead for ten years but ten minutes with me and you’d be back on the road.  I miss her.

I miss her energy.  I miss her life.  I miss her smile.  I miss her sincere, head all the way back, stomach hurt, almost about to pee in her clothes laugh.  It’s rare.  It’s an endangered species.

I miss me.